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Supporting friend through miscarriage - new baby of my own

(5 Posts)
YellowPirate Sun 20-Nov-16 09:03:41

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice. I've recently had my 2nd baby and my best friend has had two losses during my pregnancy - one at 6 weeks and the most recent just before her 12 week scan.

I'm gutted for her, she was a huge support throughout our fertility problems. But I understand I'm probably the last person she wants to talk to right now. I sent her the baby announcement before I knew about her 2nd miscarriage and a message saying we were thinking of her when I heard.

My instinct now is to leave it until she contacts me - is this the right thing to do? I want to support her but think that the best way to do this is to leave it until she's ready. I don't want her to think I'm ignoring it though. I have Christmas presents for her other kids, and was going to send them in the post if I don't hear from her.

Does anyone have any advice?

Yx

EndofSummerLooming Sun 20-Nov-16 09:08:13

As someone who had multiple miscarriages, how about you carry on with the usual friendship.

INeedNewShoes Sun 20-Nov-16 09:13:03

Hi Yellow

Congratulations on your baby smile

From the other side of this scenario, my good friend C and I were pregnant at the same time with her being a few weeks ahead of me with her second child. I had a missed miscarriage discovered at 11 weeks. C, like you, thought that I might not want to be around her and was very sensitive to the fact that her pregnancy was continuing and my hard-sought pregnancy had ended.

For me, the last thing I wanted was to avoid C! I never felt any bitterness about her pregnancy, more a sense of relief with every week that passed that she was ok. I've felt the same about other friends with young children - just so thankful that they haven't been through a MC.

I think, if I were you, that I would give her a call and let her know that you are there for her, but that equally you understand if it might hurt that your situations are so different. Ask her what the best way is for you to support her?

I can't ever imagine begrudging my friends a healthy baby. The closest I've come to it is feeling slightly miffed when yet another pregnancy is announced at work, but these are women (in different departments to me) that I don't know well.

For me the friends who have been most supportive are the ones who haven't avoided the subject of my MC, have asked how I am and have clearly been open to me talking about how I'm feeling.

For a few weeks after my MC I couldn't bring myself to hold other people's babies. It wasn't a strong emotional reaction, if that makes sense, just something subconscious stopped me from being quite so interactive with others' babies for a little while.

YellowPirate Sun 20-Nov-16 09:26:31

Thank you very much for the replies. I was scared i was getting it wrong and I think I will send her a message today. I just dont want to make things harder for her, It's only been a couple of weeks and it must be very raw for her still.

After her first she was in touch a lot more and we saw each other soon afterwards (initiated by her) but it has been different this time. I'll get in touch but understand if she doesn't feel like taking.

Yx

PIVOT Sun 20-Nov-16 09:28:03

It's hard isn't it because you don't want to ostracise her nor do you want to be insensitive.

I had a miscarriage when two of my friends were pregnant, one of the friendships has disintegrated, the other is going well. It was all in how they handled it.

Friend A was all - at least you can get pregnant, lots of women have miscarriages and get over it, you'll get pregnant again (I haven't) and how dare you not be able to see me and my children. She made it all about her being the victim and it was all my fault.

Friend B has been lovely. I saw her while she was pregnant and it was hard. She made it clear if ever I wasn't feeling up to it to just cancel. We had a text relationship for a while. I didn't see her for a little bit just before and after the birth. Bumped into her with her baby and I found that so hard but was comforted that she texted after and acknowledged that must have been hard for me but it was lovely to see me. We met up last week and it was really nice. I thought we would just skirt around it but instead she addressed it and said she can't know what I'm going through but that she loves me & has missed seeing me & she understood if it was hard for me at times.

You're obviously a really considerate person. I would contact her in your shoes, prepared for the fact that she may take a while to respond and be clear it's an open ended offer, that you'll be ready whenever she is. She may be totally cool but she may not be.

It is really sad how some friendships change when times are hard but I believe true friendships can weather these storms.

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