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Darling Nephew just came out

(16 Posts)
Mrsmadevans Sun 20-Nov-16 08:56:05

To my dds . I/ WE have all known deep down for years and we dont give a jot. He very loved and a lovely kid . I don't know what to do re telling my ds and dm . My ds will want to know to be supportive to him but he has not told her yet , he hasnt told me just my dds , they are very close. I just cant bear the thought of him not being supported by his family. I know it is up to him to let us know I suppose I have answered my own question . I am struggling bc I know and my ds doesnt and I know she should know deep down iyswim .

MrsBertBibby Sun 20-Nov-16 08:57:59

Don't you dare out him! And make sure your daughter doesn't either. Don't betray the trust he has placed in you.

6demandingchildren Sun 20-Nov-16 08:59:23

When my son came out it was a happy occasion as he could finally be the person he is iyswim
We held a little coming out party, it's want to say here I am I'm gay as most people knew before my son did, it was too celebrate the new chapter of his life.

Cookingongas Sun 20-Nov-16 09:00:15

She shouldn't know and nor should you. The only time you or your da "should" know is when he is ready to tell you.

Losgunna Sun 20-Nov-16 09:03:10

Absolutely don't out him! It will shatter the trust he's placed in you says the voice of experience

Just be supportive, and do your best to back him up if /when he decides to come out to the rest of the family.

Yea they might be a bit pissed off that you didn't tell them but it's not your secret to tell and if they aren't total cockwombles they WILL understand

And well done to him. It's a brave thing to do even in this day and age. It's bloody scary coming out.

wobblywonderwoman Sun 20-Nov-16 09:03:36

If he hasn't told you himself, you can't do anything. It is not your place. But you could give him a big hug and he will likely say it to you.

It is his place to tell people. Once everyone knows then you can step in and help him get accepted by other memmbers of the family if that is the case

6demandingchildren Sun 20-Nov-16 09:20:14

If a family member (straight) told you in confidence that they liked anal would you feel the need to tell other people? Probably not
Being gay lesbian bi or trans should not ever be an issue or a conversion this is someone's life and they should be free to live it how they please.

Mrsmadevans Sun 20-Nov-16 09:28:34

Yes thank you for the replies . I would never out him to anyone I just feel bad my ds doesnt know and I do . Its a bit of a burden tbh I wish my dds hadnt told me I don't like to think of him being alone with this and yes he is very brave . I only want what is best for him and I want him to be happy . Thank you all again I won't do anything I just hope he will be ok . I am going to get my dds to talk to him and keep an eye on him . I think this is the best I can do atm thank you so much

ForalltheSaints Sun 20-Nov-16 11:38:10

Outing an other person, family or not, is only to my mind acceptable if they have recently been homophobic in public statements (such as an MP). As this is not the case I am glad you are going to respond in the way you indicate.

OurBlanche Sun 20-Nov-16 12:58:03

You can't tell anyone.

SIL came out to me and asked me to tell her family. I agreed to tell her DBs but she had to tell her mum. We agreed a day and while she was having a heart to heart with MIL I was with nowDH, BIL and PoisonouSIL.

NowDH nodded, said that he had wondered. BIL stod stock still, PoisonousSIL slapped me and screamed at me for spreading such disgusting lies. Apparently I should have been ashamed of myself, I was wicked and NowOutSIL would never forgive me for trying to ruin her life with my evil lies.

BIL told nowDH that he needed to 'get control of me before someone got hurt'

Guess who NowOutSIL remains best friends with?

Best advice from someone who got burned? Talk to him. Tell him you understand his not finding it easy to come out, that you will be there for him, will support him at all times and will follow his lead, not say anything until he does. He has to be in control.

MatildaTheCat Sun 20-Nov-16 15:50:48

My DN is gay or bisexual. My db told me and dh. All fine. Then dh got drunk and mentioned it to another aunt of mine which annoyed me but we reiterated that my parents didn't know and she shouldn't mention it to anyone at all.

You can probably guess where this is going sad. Aunt 'accidentally' mentioned it to my parents who were somewhat surprised to hear this about their grandson from their SIL by marriage. She did a kind of 'Oops, me and my big mouth ' sort of thing. I'm furious with her but of course dh is partly to blame.

My parents are just fine about it even if DF does think DN will probably change his mind as gets older hmm. Db has no idea mum and dad know. I've no idea why he told us but not them.

What a bloody mess. If at all possible mention to DN that these things do have a way of getting out and the easiest way to prevent any gossip etc is to open from the start.

Mrsmadevans Sun 20-Nov-16 15:58:37

Yes I think you are right I will tell my dds to explain ,it is better for him to tell the family bc it will get out, thank you all for replying much appreciated. I am not going to do anything with this so dont worry I wouldnt dream of upsetting him hes a lovely young man .

Themanfrommancc Sun 20-Nov-16 17:13:07

Why do they have to come out? why dont they just get on with their lives? I dont want anyone to announce their sexuality to me.

JennyHolzersGhost Sun 20-Nov-16 17:21:31

You aren't meant to know. If he finds out that you know that could ruin his trust in his cousins (your dds) and since it sounds like they're the people he is closest to and draws support from then that would be really awful.
So don't interfere, keep it zipped and don't tell your daughters to do anything other than support him and be there for him.
Sometimes not doing anything is the hardest thing to do. But it's also the right thing to do. Sit on your hands every time you feel the urge to intervene.

mudandmayhem01 Sun 20-Nov-16 17:23:31

Theman, do you hide your sexualilty? Only mention your partner/ spouse with gender neutral pronouns and never bring them to a family or work social occasion. Never make a comment on the attractiveness of a film star when chatting with a friend. If this isn't the case you are announcing your sexuality on a regular basis.

6demandingchildren Sun 20-Nov-16 18:40:10

I think theman is saying that "straight" people don't turn around to their parents and ask them to sit down and tell them that they like the opposite sex.
I personally can't wait for a time where people don't have to come out as loving whatever sex is acceptable.

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