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Should I go behind DH back and tell MIL

(31 Posts)
Onsera3 Sat 19-Nov-16 21:41:32

We have a financial issue and DH is having a genuine breakdown about it.

We had a house move which coincided with DH changing workplaces with resulting pay decrease. I was worried we wouldn't manage but he assured me we would. He wasn't honest with parents about pay decrease.

All the money for move was borrowed from DCs savings accounts- money FIL has given them.

We have no way to pay back the money from his pay check so DH has been trying to do 'matched betting' to make it back. (Matched betting makes use of bookmakers’ free bet offers to gain a risk-free qualifying bet by making two bets where the odds cancel each other out so that you make a profit regardless of outcome.) It's time consuming but it all adds up. However, in desperation he has twice gambled the money he's slogged away at and lost it. Causing him further despair.

He's stressed and not eating or sleeping well. He's depressed with our situation and feels like a failure.

I wish I could help but me working wouldn't cover the cost of childcare for two young DC.

I think he should tell his parents but he refuses as can't face the guilt and lecture.

I feel he needs to let them know the situation and how awful he is feeling about it.

Im really worried about him and am considering going directly to MIL and explaining it all.

Is that the right thing to do or would it be too much of a breach of trust?

Lovepancakes Sat 19-Nov-16 21:55:59

Firstly I'm sorry as it sounds difficult.

I don't get why your ILs come into it though? Suggesting he needs to tell his parents when he has a pay decrease is surely up to him as he's standing on his own two feet / no longer a child?

And by telling them it could rightly or wrongly give the impression you want them to help and personally I understand your DH trying to sort it out himself though he sounds like he needs help.
Could you work say at the weekend when he's having time off? And more importantly I'm worried he thinks gambling is in any way ok; I wonder if someone else can help you who knows about debt management or support to point you towards that as it sounds like he badly needs help and professional advice

Lovepancakes Sat 19-Nov-16 21:59:45

Ps I didn't fully take on board the breakdown bit. If it would be in your husbands interests to have his family's support, you may be right in quietly telling them he's overwhelmed as the more understanding and support presumably might be important. It doesn't sound straightforward though as I get what you're saying about betraying his confidence but if you're really worried maybe quietly ask his parents' advice?

notnowbernadette Sat 19-Nov-16 22:01:18

This sounds like a tricky situation but I'm not sure what you hope to gain by telling your MiL other than loosing dh's trust. As the DC are young does he not have some time to pay back this money? I would encourage him to seek medical help for the depression and try to get him to stay clear of gambling as he's highly unlikely to improve the situation that way. Do you think you can persuade him to seek help from someone neutral who won't judge him?

Cucumber5 Sat 19-Nov-16 22:01:22

How much did he take from the savings your FIL put aside for kids?

DillyDilly Sat 19-Nov-16 22:02:46

It sounds like your DH has a gambling addiction and needs to get help for it. Then you need to look for weekend work, if possible.

What is the hurry in paying back the money you both have taken from your chikdren's accounts? Can you not make regular small repayments rather than stressing over repayments?

Why are you so keen on the,king his parents - are you hoping they'd help you out financially ?

stiffstink Sat 19-Nov-16 22:03:48

Is there any imminent need for the DCs accounts to be replenished that would require your DH to keep gambling like this?

Does he have a gambling problem (separate from the use of your DCs money to fund your house move)?

Cucumber5 Sat 19-Nov-16 22:03:56

How old are the DC? You won't always be at home and can replace the cash when you start working. Or maybe you could do something on the side to bring in enough cash

happypoobum Sat 19-Nov-16 22:08:58

I agree with PP - It sounds like the gambling problem is an issue here - saying it's to replenish the DC savings accounts is probably a smokescreen as they can't need the money right now surely?

Why would you tell MIL? If you mean because you are concerned about DH mental health, then yes, possibly, if you think she will be a really positive influence.

However, the tone of the OP makes me think you are telling ILS in the hope of being bailed out? I wouldn't do that.

Onsera3 Sat 19-Nov-16 22:40:26

We don't need money from the ILs. We can manage month to month. But there will not be money to pay back into the DC savings for a while.

I was hoping that talking to MIL she might relieve him of the emotional debt he's taken on from borrowing from DC. And also to scare him out of the gambling.

He never gambled before this year. He's only lost what he won but I'm scared about him not seeming in control of it.

DD is 1 and DS 3. Next September things would be easier as DS will start school. I'd hoped to get into childminding as needed in our area. But I've struggled massively since having DD with colic and DS behaviour after her arrival. I can't see how I could manage another.

We borrowed 10K from the children. I think it can wait but DH can't handle it. He wants to take out a loan which we'd pay interest on and plus the repayment would still be difficult. We spent the money to move into the house which has already increased in value £150k since we bought it. (According to estate agent who just sold identical one next door- they are new build) So an investment for DC future.

I tried to get him to get help for depression before he left the higher paying position. He was stressed over new boss there wanting to change his role and pressure of helping me struggling with new baby. He went to GP but has followed through on nothing- counselling, meds. (I also think he has Aspergers. He has OCD which he can admit but never gets any help)

I don't have any real support network in this country. I am worried about him and I guess I'm hoping MIL will help me get him to see things with a different perspective. And tell him not to stress about the 10k.

Pestilence13610 Sat 19-Nov-16 22:49:17

you make a profit regardless of outcome PMSL
No, the bookies make a living and they make the profit.

STOP the betting and pay back into the DCs accounts very slowly, £10 a time is a good start. If he really thinks betting is a get rich quick scheme, it may be a good idea to grass his up to his DParents

Sparlklesilverglitter Sat 19-Nov-16 22:52:29

Why do his parents need to know? His an adult and is up to him if he wants there support or not

Also if his suffering with depression I think going behind his back to tell his parents will not help

EatTheCake Sat 19-Nov-16 22:56:04

As an adult his parents Have no right to know something he doesn't wish them too. If and when he wants support from them he will ask for it.

You say his depressed, I wouldn't recommend going behind the back of someone that is suffering with depression.

My DH suffered terribly with depression and had a break down a few years ago now for a verity of reasons and he could talk to me openly but was too embrassed to talk to his parents for a long time. They know now as he decided to tell them onc he was on the road to recovery

gillybeanz Sat 19-Nov-16 22:58:20

Oh love, you never see a bookie on a bike.
They don't lose money, they take it off you.
Why are you allowing him to gamble your children's savings. They aren't yours or dh's.
I can't see what involving mil will achieve, it's time your dh stood on his own two feet and supported his family. it is neither her nor your job to get him the help he needs, it's up to him.
If he isn't prepared to do this then nothing your or mil can do or say will make any difference to your situation.

baconandeggies Sun 20-Nov-16 01:22:08

The number 1 rule with matched betting is you don't go near it if you're tempted to place non-matched bets. He needs to stop.

Charlesroi Sun 20-Nov-16 07:05:33

You can make a decent amount out of matched betting, but you've really got to dislike gambling. It doesn't sound like OP's DH is cut out for it so he should stop.

I don't really see the problem with spending the kids money at this stage - you've spent it on rehousing them, after all. You can pay it back when they're older and need it for uni or something.

Amelle Sun 20-Nov-16 07:15:45

Your DCs money is invested in the house which has already increased in value. Looking at current interest rates if you had left this in the bank it would not have increased by anything like that amount.

When you sell/remortgage you can take their £10k plus an amount to reflect what it has increased by and put it back into savings. Sounds like your OH is being unnecessarily harsh on himself and should give himself a break and a pat on the back for making a great investment for the family.

holeinmyheart Sun 20-Nov-16 07:20:23

As a parent of grown up children who is contributing to grandchildren savings plan every month, please do not tell his parents. If I knew my DCs had gambled the money away that I had given specifically to them for my GC then it would make me feel horrible. Why cause them pain?
Just pay it back.
Are his parents going to give you another £10,000 to replace it ? Very unlikely.
Unfortunately it is difficult to put money in a saving scheme for your GCs avoiding their parents. I just hope my DCs are not spending the cash that I am giving for my GCs education, as I would be really annoyed.

Amelle Sun 20-Nov-16 07:24:13

Just to add: can't see why you would tell MIL about how you chose to use the £10k but if your OH is really struggling and is on the verge of a breakdown you are in all likelihood going to have to speak to her to support him with that. If the £10k issue comes out it comes out (I personally wouldn't have an issue with it being used in that way) but, whether your MIL finds out or not and does/doesn't take issue with how you've used the money, the priority for me would be supporting DH, dealing with how he is feeling and the gambling. The money can be repaid but mental health is fragile.

MoMandaS Sun 20-Nov-16 07:32:19

If he does have Asperger's and/or OCD, I don't think involving more people would help really; it might just add to his sense of pressure. You need to lay it out logically as PP have suggested, that investing it in property is making it grow. Could you draw up a formal IOU agreement saying that you've borrowed this amount from DC and will pay it back by certain date (e.g. 18th birthdays)? Get it all on a more official-feeling footing for him.

Angelitron Sun 20-Nov-16 07:33:43

They gave you 10k for the children and you borrowed it!?

That's just wrong on all levels. You bought a house using their savings??

IF it had been money that you have saved then fair enough, but this was never your money, it was entrusted to you. You have stolen from them.

You should remortgage the house and pay back the money.

MoMandaS Sun 20-Nov-16 07:38:06

holeinmyheart both sets of our DC grandparents save for their grandchildren without us having access to it. One set uses building society accounts in DC names and the other uses investment trust child savings plans, held in their own name but expressly allocated to each GC. I suppose technically, when they die, we would have access to the money, but not before (not that we would spend it ourselves anyway!). So maybe something to consider if you should ever have concerns about what's happening to your money!

SallyGinnamon Sun 20-Nov-16 07:50:05

Very difficult situation. I wouldn't go behind his back, no. That would undermine him.

I assume the house move was to accommodate two children. So the borrowing is for their longer term benefit. And the self-demotion was for your DH's sanity - again, a happier DF should be better for the DC. Both are fair enough decisions. I wish your DH could see it that way and stop beating himself up about it. You've years ahead to replace the money before it is needed.

I understand why you want to get his parents onside, as they could give 'forgiveness' for borrowing the money and take some pressure off your DH. And I'm hoping they understand his personality - do they know that he gets depression/suffers from stress, or does he try to hide that from them?

Can you try gently to persuade him to talk to his parents himself, or at least give you permission to.

Thinkingblonde Sun 20-Nov-16 07:51:51

You can't tell your MIL, he'd never trust you again.
Instead of thinking he that it's gone forever, look at it as an investment. Your children don't need the money to be repaid right now, it can be paid back from the equity when you eventually sell your house.
Gambling is a mugs game, he'd have to be exceedingly lucky to make it back via betting.

Mrsmadevans Sun 20-Nov-16 08:50:59

Tell them you need help to manage this hugs my dear you were right to use the dc money it is for their future and you will be leaving it all to them

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