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Is my boyfriend gay/bisexual

(13 Posts)
Janmam123 Sat 19-Nov-16 18:38:54

Hi everyone,

I'm desperate for some advice on how to confront my partner with my suspicions surrounding his sexuality.

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend, for a couple of years. We were very serious and committed very quickly. So much so that I moved in with him after a short amount of time. He is my best friend and I adore him. He is kind and supportive and I love him with all my heart. He saved my life from depression and is always understanding. I knew within weeks of meeting him that he was special and that we had a future and had began planning our lives together by saving to buy our first home together. A year into our relationship I began having problems with my contraception and stopped taking my pill. I was simply waiting for my next weeks rota from work to go and see the nurse when I miscalculated my dates, had sex with Iain once and fell pregnant! Although shocked we were both very happy and excited about the news. I am now heavily pregnant and we're going to be moving into our family home very soon.

Although he seems perfect in every way, (and he almost is) our sex life has been a reoccurring problem from around 6 months in, possibly sooner. He has practically no interest in having sex with me (pregnant or not.) Although in the very beginning our sex life was perfect. It was intimate and passionate. Now we tend do go around 3 to 4 weeks without sleeping together on average but it has gone as long as around 8 weeks. I try to get him in the mood by setting a romantic atmosphere, booking weekends away, buying lingerie and just by suggesting sex when we're in bed. 9 times out of 10 he says no and it breaks my heart. He doesn't cuddle me or kiss me passionately any more either, only something's during sex. When we do have sex it's often all about him getting his fix. He doesn't really touch me. It's mostly focused on me giving him oral. More recently I've noticed that he loses his erection when we do have intercourse. He mostly enjoys anal play and that's what our sex life revolves around when we do actually get down to it and I'm starting to wonder if all these signs are pointing towards a desire for men.

Last night we were watching something on the TV which involved a man who had been in a gay relationship in the past but now only liked women. I said to my boyfriend that I probably wouldn't be comfortable with that if I was a potential girlfriend of his. He went very quiet and didn't respond to my comment so I asked him what his stance was on situations like that. He simply said "Everyone has a past."

Although he is a bit 'camp' and is in touch with his feminine side, I always put it down to what he had told me in that his upbringing had been surrounded by women, despite having an older brother and dad who are anything but camp! But because I trusted him I always believed that he was being truthful and only had eyes for women.

The lack of sex and physical attention upsets me hugely and I have brought this to his attention many times. He tries to make more of an effort for about 2 weeks then it goes away again. If I try to give him physical attention he complains. He won't kiss me passionately and rarely cuddles me in bed. He says that I should be happy and feel content with our relationship because he has made financial commitments to me in the form of buying a house and telling me he wants to raise our family together and get married. He also parades me on social media declaring his love and appreciation for me which is lovely and I do appreciate that but I feel that actions would speak louder than words on the internet.

I only used to initiate sex about once every 2 weeks but the constant rejection leaves me feeling absolutely mortified and devastated. It makes me cry. I have stopped trying to initiate sex now as it's too upsetting to be turned down by him. When I explain to him how this makes me feel he tells me that he feels that he's never good enough and that I'm looking for problems as this is my issue not his. Everyone I've spoken to just can't get their heads around it as they believe he is punching above his weight with me and have all said that he's incredibly lucky to have me. I always reassure him that I love him and that I think he's absolutely gorgeous and that we're a perfect match. Nothing seems to help the situation though and I'm fighting a losing battle.

Please help

passwordprotectednews Sat 19-Nov-16 18:41:49

What happened to your other thread? Did I dream it?!

Janmam123 Sat 19-Nov-16 18:47:24

It was removed as I'd included some personal details. Still learning!! smile

passwordprotectednews Sat 19-Nov-16 18:50:24

Ah okay thanks. You had some great advice there as you will get it here as well.

Janmam123 Sat 19-Nov-16 18:52:36

Sod's law!!! sad

Motherfuckers Sat 19-Nov-16 18:52:57

I think the sex problems point more towards porn tbh.

GrabtharsHammer Sat 19-Nov-16 18:54:13

You've posted his name in the OP.

I think it's very likely he's had sex with men before, but I'm not sure why that bothers you.

He might be bisexual. He might even be gay. He might just not have much of a sex drive.

Talk to him!

NotTheFordType Sat 19-Nov-16 18:54:27

It's irrelevant whether he's bi, gay or asexual - he doesn't find you sexually attractive. I know that sounds horrible and harsh, but it's the reality. You cannot stay with this man.

(Having said that, I do suspect that you're his beard, though)

O2BBesideTheSea Sat 19-Nov-16 18:59:03

I don't have any advice but think you have included your DPs name in the second paragraph. You can report it to mnhq and they'll edit it if you want it changed

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 19-Nov-16 19:07:41

What would be the outcome of confronting him about his sexuality?

You got trapped into a long term relationship by pregnancy. With not much sex life, you probably would have split up if you hadn't got pregnant. So, the sexuality doesn't really matter. You are he are going to have a child, you could co-parent pretty well together without being in a sexual relationship.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Sat 19-Nov-16 19:08:29

My husband is bisexual. Not camp at all, so it's no indicator. Nor is liking anal sex. You'll need to figure out your own stance first - I know my husband has had sex with men. I'm not fussed. Some women don't feel the same way.

Then you'll need to talk to him. I can say when our sex life was suffering it was more to do with porn use and a rough patch.

scaryclown Sat 19-Nov-16 19:10:53

I agree poss too much porn, and some weirdness about the pregnant you and sex with a baby inside. and possibly the quiet ness re tv is because some porn has been a bit bi or penetration on men. Or he kissed or more with a man once. none of the things you mention prove gayness.. nor does not doing them prove heteroness. a homophobic guy would be scared to even hint that he might not be weirded out by a guy on tv being gay..but not being dramatically weirded out doesnt mean you are gay.

I suspect the cooling of sexual aspects are lying on the side of pregnancy feeling odd, and so he can cope with being nice, but is not instinctively turned on.. I would say make clear how comfortable you are about gayness and try to ask maybe?

SarcasmMode Sat 19-Nov-16 19:12:48

It sounds tough.

It could be that he has a porn problem and that is why he doesn't want sex.

Or it could be he is attracted to men.

Do you know much about his exes?

Don't answer this question if you don't want to but does he want to have sex from behind when you do actually have sex?

I ESD its hard to know.

Greatest sympathies OP

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