Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Disappointed over friend

(11 Posts)
Enkopkaffetak Sat 19-Nov-16 14:45:21

I have what I used to think of as a really close friend.

For 4 years I drove her 2 dds to school and back. She would usually come along too. We spent a lot of time together during those years too. Our 2 dds are very close friends.

Girls are now in year 8 they went to 2 different schools and it is my last child in primary where as she still has a younger child there. So still is in the midst of primary school stuff.

I know there is issues with where my dd went to school. (Church of E and only outstanding in the area and she would have liked her dd there too. She is not a church goer so was a no go - her dd is in a good with outstanding features and is thriving as is my dd in her school) I know this is a bit of airritation with her as she wanted her dd in the school where mine (and a 3rd friend) went..

Over the last year and a half the girls have still remained close friends. Daily texts lots of phone calls and they meet up every Friday (almost) at a youth club. DD still considers this girl a close friend and I know the girl does too.

However I have noticed I am being cooled off by friend. She is a bit hot and cold. Will often go on about how she misses me. However will not consider meeting up in the evening (I now work full time) and often will give me 2 hours notice she is meeting another friend do I want to come. Knowing I work shifts so likelyhood of my being able to ad hock like that are minimal. I will admit to feeling rather hurt over this but not a lot you can do.

Today is DD's birthday party. (Sleep over and movies) I spoke with my friend a while ago about this. Agreement was that her dd would join the sleep over late as her sister has a show on (dance classes they have one of these every half term) Yesterday I sent her a facebook message (we usually communicate this way and she is on it regular) asking if she wanted to drop her dd's sleep over stuff before they went to the dance show so it was all ready for when dd arrives.

No response from her.

Today I sent her a text asking the same.

No response

So I ask dd to text her friend. Friend responds almost straight away saying she is at her grandmas now and isnt coming tonight. (so going to grandmas and off to show - this often is how they do these things)

Later I get a text saying " sadly due to tiredness after all of this her dd wont come"

I feel so hurt. She basically avoided the issue and let me think her dd was coming. I feel very low in priory in her life (having for many years felt I was a close friend so high priority) I have responded that my dd is disappointed and for them to have a good day (dd is disappointed) I know this likely will mean she wont contact me for a good while. However I really do feel hurt. I suspect it is also because had it been the other way around I would not have taken the sibling to such a type of show.. Another friend is joining late too as she is at a big event today (football) with her dad and sister. then coming here after so she would not be the only one who was late (friend knows this)

Its difficult to work out how to do the friendships once your children leave primary. I have found several have dropped off the radar however I think with this one she was a woman where I really felt she wouldn't drop me. yet I think I am being dropped.

sofato5miles Sat 19-Nov-16 14:48:39

Yes you are hurt, rightly so. Cool it with her though, her poor manners will only hurt you as she is not treating you decently. Let the girls kerp their own relationship and sod her.

MatildaTheCat Sat 19-Nov-16 15:56:06

I wouldn't be able to leave this. She was YOUR friend, not just a school mum mate. I'd test her back saying you are feeling really sad that your dd is left disappointed at the last minute and also that you had thought you two were real friends. It's just possible she has other stuff going on so should be allowed a chance to tell you.

A coffee on neutral ground might be a starting point.

YANBU to feel let down.

Msqueen33 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:59:15

I'd probably leave the kids to it. It sounds like you're not high priority and she's not that keen to be friends. Even if she's busy doesn't mean she can't text/Facebook you and you the same. Sadly friendships change over time.

Enkopkaffetak Sat 19-Nov-16 16:33:53

I am going to leave the girls too it.

DD is fine With 2 other friends with a 3rd arriving later. Perfectly happy making cakes. 4th friend have had to pull out due to sickness but they have had a snapchat exchange and got plans for when friend is no longer puking..

I think it is me who is the most hurt. Hard to accept someone you care about doesn't really feel you are a priority anymore. No point in suggesting coffee as she wont go for it. "claims she has no money then wont come to mine as she has ironing but wont invite me to come to hers due to ironing making the house a mess" (her house is never a mess - mine often is) I have known for a while that she is slowly pushing me out just this is the last bit that shows me how irrelevant I have become.

Dozer Sat 19-Nov-16 16:36:58

Being cynical, is it possible that she made an effort before because you were driving her DD to school?

Enkopkaffetak Sat 19-Nov-16 16:46:44

It certainly looks that way Dozer.. Current best friend for her is the lady who now drives her last dd to school.

Cricrichan Sat 19-Nov-16 17:59:47

She's a user not a friend. You sound absolutely lovely op and don't need to waste your time with someone like her xx

notbothered12 Sat 19-Nov-16 18:07:47

Friendships change over time. That may be it here...trying to be uncynical. My DS2 had a very close friend he met at preschool and I became very good friends with his mum. Joint birthday parties for the boys, sharing New Year's Eve as families, coffees, shopping days, I took her to a spa for her 40th, dinner parties, helping each other out in emergencies etc.
My DSs went to a different school when DS2 was staring Year 4 (independent school) and the friendship became really hard work. After 2 years of feeling like I was dragging her out or being turned down time after time when asking to meet up for a quick coffee and chat I finally gave up asking.
I did feel really sad about it for quite a while but in the end I had to decide that it wasn't me just changing circumstances.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sat 19-Nov-16 20:23:50

I think there's spite in the way she handled that.
DON'T put yourself in the same situation again.
Personally, I would have text back with something along the lines of: what a shame DD and her friends are all having such a fantastic time etc - ie. definitely wouldn't let her know she'd upset me, and that it was her daughter who was missing out.
Seen how these mother's put the kibosh on things because of their own issues, and the poor DC miss out ;0(

Enkopkaffetak Sat 19-Nov-16 23:47:01

Thank you for all the responses..

DD is having a lovely party with friends..

I had a bit of a Awww on realising that another friend (the one who went to same to school as dd) has now been to 10 birthday parties with us (they met when 3)

I am not going to contact my friend, will let the girls sort out what they wish to do. If she contacts I will tell her I was upset and feel very low down her priorities. I suspect it wont do anything, however if by chance it actually isn't done purposely, then she can change that if she wishes. If nothing happen then I haven't lost anything .

Meanwhile next door 4 teenagers are watching cool runnings.... (A classic grin - got to get a bit of culture in them early on)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now