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I cheated

(231 Posts)
SweetPeaPods Sat 19-Nov-16 14:30:11

I cheated last night. I was away for a work conference. I really don't know how I feel about it. I can't tell dh it would break him.
We have been married nearly 7 years and I have never done anything like this. Never had a ONS in my life.
Part of me is flattered that this guy found me attractive when I feel fat and frumpy. We have 2 DC under 3. Things haven't been great between me and DH but I never thought of cheating or leaving him etc. I know that's not an excuse, but we hardly see each other and very little quality time together.
I keep going from thinking WTF have I done to thinking why don't I care more and why am I not more upset. I don't really know why I'm posting tbh. I know I've done wrong, please be gentle with me. I would be absolutely devastated if it was the other way round so feel like such a heartless cow

timelytess Sat 19-Nov-16 14:38:06

Not sure about how you should feel. I hope you were protected. But I can tell you this about conferences - some people go there with the main intention of getting laid. I've been shocked again and again to see how perfectly 'respectable' people behave at work conferences. So don't be too hard on yourself - you might have been the victim of someone who was totally determined to get sex!

LouisvilleLlama Sat 19-Nov-16 14:39:56

Oh come on first reply " oh you're actually the victim not your DH who you cheated on" from the OP there's nothing to suggest she was an unwilling participant

LouisvilleLlama Sat 19-Nov-16 14:44:58

OP I don't condone cheating and think it's awful, but I do think it's telling that you don't care and I'd reflect on why that is. As for telling your DH I believe you should, I believe most will say not to. If you were to keep it a secret and want to still be married I would consider if there's a connection between the guy you slept with or anyone who possibly knows and your DH, as it could come out and that will be worse for your DH than from you

sofato5miles Sat 19-Nov-16 14:45:35

A girlfriend of mine did something similar earlier this year. She went insane for about a month then said she felt gradually felt less and less. We ( two of her closest friends) told her to keep quiet. The last couple of months she hasn't mentioned it.

Keep calm and keep quiet and try to improve your relationship after you feel a bit stronger.

Bob19702 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:48:23

Unbelievable replies , you cheated on your 7 year marriage and feel no guilt .. Tell your husband and let him decide whether he can be with you ...

Msqueen33 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:48:30

I suppose the first question is do you want to fix your marriage? Because it seems like something is majorly wrong there. If you want to fix it I'm not sure what telling him you've cheated will gain. I know my dh would kill me and I'm not sure we could ever fix things. I'm not in any way saying cheating is acceptable as it's a huge breech of trust. But what's done is done and you need to decide whether you want your marriage.

Bluntness100 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:49:26

Are you going to see him again? Is there any contact between uou? And I mean see him in general as in at work or something? Do uou want a relationship with the man? An affair? Did uou know him before hand? Or did uou just meet?

I think the context here is important, did uou shag a random stranger who you will never meet again, or someone who is a friend and a colleague kind of thing.

Bob19702 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:50:56

So if a man'shags' a random stranger at a work conference when married would that be ok ?

Msqueen33 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:54:02

Gender isn't the issue here. If the man felt remorse and said he wanted to stay married and he'd been stupid I would say the same. I've said to my dh that should he ever cheat by having ons or kiss but realised he'd made a mistake I wouldn't want to know unless he's leaving as I couldn't take the breech of trust. For me I couldn't ever trust him again.

If a woman came on and said she had numerous ons's and she didn't feel guilty I'd tell her she should leave her dh as it isn't fair.

Gender hasn't anything to do with it.

Whisperingeye1 Sat 19-Nov-16 14:58:09

He has the right to know and make his own decisions about your future. You made a choice that impacts both of you. Now he should get to choose if he wants to live with the consequences of your mistakes.

LouisvilleLlama Sat 19-Nov-16 14:58:36

Msqueen I disagree and agree with bob, i really think that if a man had wrote the OP the first reply would be " you may actually be the victim of somebody determined to have sex!" And more it was your choice to stick your dick in another woman,

Mrsemcgregor Sat 19-Nov-16 15:17:50

Don't have sex with your DH again until you have had a std check, even if you used a condom.

Think long and hard about your next move. I think he should be told but only you know what is right in your relationship.

If you choose not to tell him you need to make damn sure it doesn't get back to him any other way.

SailingThroughTime Sat 19-Nov-16 15:24:36

You definitely need to get tested before you have sex.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay Sat 19-Nov-16 15:30:03

I actually agree with msqueen and sofa.

If this was a mistake, never to be repeated, a moment of madness, then keep quiet. Telling DH would alleviate your guilt but it would also blow his world apart. Does he deserve that?

The guilt is the price you pay for doing this I'm afraid.

Bob19702 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:37:15

Does the DH deserve to be cheated on then lied to , doesn't the line 'once a cheater always a cheater ' get used on MN many times? ...he deserves to know then HE can decide whether to carry on with the marriage .

0phelia Sat 19-Nov-16 15:37:31

A one off is forgivable. If you carried on seeing a bit-on-the-side it'd be more problematic.

Bob19702 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:46:26

A one off or ONS wouldn't be forgivable for me , I guess we all have different standards and expectations.

Vagabond Sat 19-Nov-16 15:46:30

The big question is: how do you feel now?

Guilty and remorseful? Or Guilty and damn, that was good?

Will you see this guy again? Any plans to do so?

LouisvilleLlama Sat 19-Nov-16 15:53:32

A ONS can still have consequences, she could still get pregnant, does she tell the DH then? Does he get the choice whether or not to raise someone else's biological child, or does the child right for a father trump the DH right to know and make judgements over his own life?

nobodyputsbabyinthecornor Sat 19-Nov-16 15:54:25

Double standards! If the roles had of been reversed you would all be shouting LTB. You cheated on your husband and he deserves to know the truth. In regards to feeling flattered that this guy showed you some attention, I wouldn't be too flattered if I was you. He probably would of had sex with anyone that was willing, you happened to be the first willing person he came across .

Bluntness100 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:54:47

Ah, don't tell him, it would do no good.

TheNaze73 Sat 19-Nov-16 15:55:14

A one off is forgivable??? WTAF?!

You're a cheat, you are not the victim of someone trying to get sex & you chose to fuck another man.

Get tested ASAP & tell your DH as soon as possible.

JustCallMeKate Sat 19-Nov-16 16:01:38

Double standards! If the roles had of been reversed you would all be shouting LTB

Exactly this.

There is no way I would forgive a ONS, he'd be put the door and not coming back. I agree you need to tell him OP and let him decide if he wants to stay or go.

Prettypaticularperson Sat 19-Nov-16 16:12:27

I'm sorry but you need to tell him..
He needs to decide whether you are sorry or not he is living with a liar and he doesn't deserve that.. Roles reversed I'd say the same.
Cheating In what form is wrong.
This is one of the worst things you could do to hurt someone.
I don't think anyone ever really gets over being cheated on.
I wouldn't. It's such an intimate thing it's awful to be breached..
If I'm honest my heart breaks for him right now! sad

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