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Examples of minor laziness that do my swede in. AIBU to feel resentful?(84 Posts)
Some examples of DP's habits that, at best, irritate me. But on a bad day make me lose my shit:
Leaving rubbish on the kitchen sides instead of putting in the bin.
Leaving a floordrobe right next to the laundry basket. And/or stacking it on top of said laundry basket meaning I cannot put my laundry in there without knocking it all off back onto the floor. This would be clothing he might wear again (jeans etc) but he can't be bothered to put away or elsewhere.
Not doing as I've asked after each of us have a shower i.e. Using a blade over the shower glass and spraying with shower spray, which cuts down on the cleaning time later as limescale does not build up.
Putting teaspoons in the sink after making tea/coffee rather than in the dishwasher which, again, is right next to the sink
Other examples I could mention and most of them along those lines. I have asked many times for him to tidy after himself but it ends up with him getting angry almost immediately it is raised. So I tend to pick my battles with this issue
let it fester until we have a row about something and it all spews out in a massive rant
Am I just being a nag bag? Or is he taking the piss? In his defence he works longer hours than me (most of the time) so I accept doing the lion's share
all of the housework. What really sticks in my craw is him leaving things for me to do, under the banner of "I would have done it later in my own time" bullshit he would
Should I be more tolerant? I lived alone for over ten years so maybe I'm just set in my ways. He is a devoted partner who shows affection and love all the time, so am I being unreasonable letting this get to me? Prepared to be told I am and that this is what comprise in a relationship is all about. Been living together 3years BTW.
No you need to be less tolerant and shove his clothes in a bin bag, let him clean the shower, leave the teaspoon on the side and let him clear up his own shit.
I would agree with you if it didn't impact on me more than him. Because mess wouldn't/doesn't bother him. FFS.
Leaving dirty dishes on the side instead of in the dioshwasher is what happens here. Drives me mad!
No advice but thanks for the term 'floordrobe' which I will be using on DH tonight. His is on the rug at the end of the bed
I feel your pain!
My DP frequently says he 'forgot' or 'didn't notice' whatever needs done.
I really need to have a word with myself and stop being such a bloody pushover.
Don't sweat the small stuff. But thanks for the phrase "do my swede in" - presume that's not a typo?
My dh will make a mess whilst making breakfast and then make lunch around the breakfast mess...making even more mess. I ventured downstairs for the first time since Thursday evening having been ill and had a shit load of tidying up to do.
I wouldn't mind (figure of speech - I would really!) but he stomps around saying the house is a shit tip.
Yes dear. I've been upstairs for a day and this is what happens..?
He is being unreasonable and he's getting angry when you raise it as a way of shutting you up.
Is he unreasonable in other ways?
Not Dh but one of kids, I lost it after the 10th time of asking for a coat to be moved from the back of a dining room chair, it was then moved and left on the sofa. Just put the bloody coat away!!!!!
Most of things, yanbu. Teaspoons get used all day here before going in the dishwasher, using one for each cup seems wasteful.
Mine was bad enough for not putting things back in the kitchen cupboards before we put child locks on, now there's that little bit more effort required, the just get left on the work top above/below the cupboard they're supposed to go in.
If by some miracle they make it into the cupboard, they're in the wrong place - as he doesn't know where they go. It's strange that he doesn't have that problem when he wants to get something out!
Though I have the cold from hell, so he's looking after the DC single handed and has just been to the shop for Haagen Dazs and hone for me, so maybe he's not all bad
I am quite tidy and feel the same way as you re the leaving things around rather than just putting them away. Having said that, unfortunately where one spouse is tidier than the other, you do have to form some kind of compromise. My DH has always does this, but he will eventually tidy the things away, but he just won´t do it to quite the same timetable as I will. So we compromise. Teaspoons sitting around the sink when it´s right next to the dishwasher are annoying (I get this too!) but they won't kill anyone.
We had the laundry basket issue. Solved it by putting a chair next to the basket. He doesn´t have to faff about putting away clothes he´ll wear again in the next couple of days, I don´t have to move them all every time I want to get in to the basket: everyone wins.
Have to say that I am with your DH on the shower issue: I would be really irritated if I couldn´t have a shower without my DH nagging me to start spraying and squeegeeing it every time (even though I know some people do do this). It gets a thorough clean once a week with e-cloths and that is plenty.
My dh was a wonderful nurse to me too, Marmite (much better than I am with him)...but it would have been even better to not have to resurface to such a mess!
Why does he get angry when it is raised? Cheeky fucker.
Actually you've explained it yourself So I tend to pick my battles with this issue let it fester until we have a row about something and it all spews out in a massive rant
If he gets angry your response is to STFU and clean up his shit for him, apart from the occasional rant at him that changes nothing.
Does he always care more about making his own lift easier, even at your expense?
Thanks for the feedback so far. I suspect I AB slightly U because it feels to me like an old fashioned way of thinking - i.e. It is women's work to fuss about such things and "look after" her man (whilst grumbling about bloody untidy men). I will not subscribe to that, but I think i let it go too much at the beginning because I'd been in abusive relationships and he was so caring. Maybe I'm just shit at relationships as I either put up with too much crap OR I don't tolerate anything FFS!
And, for the record, "doing my swede in" was not a typo. It is comes from my collection of favourite words and phrases 👌
Keep two or three teaspoons hidden secretly away - ignore the teaspoons left on the side/in the sink - when he runs out say oh sorry we've got no more , you need to put the ones you use in the dishwasher.
With the clothes. Leave them there. When he rocks up on Monday (assuming you do your laundry on a weekend - you might not!!) and says where's me shirts? You say oh, crikey, didn't you put them in the laundry basket - sorry, if they weren't in there then they wouldn't have gone in the wash. Stick 'em in the basket and I'll do them next week. If it's clothing he'll likely get another wear out of just walk all over it/stand on it - when he says oi I'm gonna wear those jeans again say oh dear sorry, I thought they must in the 'ready for the laundry basket' pile - if you're wearing them again please do hang them up/fold them and put them in the drawer....
My dp is guilty of point 1+2
He also does the following which do my Swede in (I use this often!)
Leave his socks all over the show
Leave tissues all over the show
Leave shoes all over the show
(See a pattern)
Leave newspapers in the bathroom
Leave coffee cups in the bathroom
I have started to crack the washing issue as I no longer wash anything that isn't in the basket, I also no longer tidy his side of the bed (it gets grim and then he's like look at the fucking state! realizing his own trampiness)
I don't think any of those examples are worth getting angry over.
It is his house too surely? If he stacks dw in the end, or does laundry sometimes, or wipes down bathroom sometimes, does it matter if he doesn't do it exactly when you want him to?
I have never ever heard of anyone wiping down the shower each time
Fwiw, I have two large teenage sons and a very large husband leaving mess everywhere and I do not expect to clean up after them. I expect them to clean after themselves, eventually, but not to my "tune". I've stopped cleaning ds1's room or arguing with him about it.
Dh does most of the dw stuff in this house and his fair share of laundry.
Getting angry about these things is a sign that there a lot of other unresolved issues about control and territory. It is NOT the law that people should put their teaspoons in the dw, IMMEDIATELY. I can remember my mum getting angry with all of us about these things and just feeling, it was not the things themselves that made her angry but a feeling of general powerlessness and frustration at having large family/lack of attention paid to her by my father on some level (although he was a lovely husband in many ways) It was a control issue to compensate for other issues going on her life. I try not to let housekeeping follow same pattern here. Does it matter that much????
It's a melon scratcher, alright. Ah, what are you gonna do.?
Oh I've thought of another one
Everytime he cooks he covers the Hob in food and leaves it there
The truth is I am quite untidy myself, and if my husband was to be as "exact" or tidy as you are, I would consider him to be incredibly controlling. After all, it is half my house and my territory, and if it makes me feel at home to leave my cups on the side or my clothes on the bathroom floor, why should he have the right to tell me that I'm not allowed to? Unless you mutually agree rules (and it sounds as if he definitely hasn't agreed to your rules) why do you have the RIGHT to boss him around over this? Sometimes tidying things can be an expression of caring for someone, and self respect, sometimes they can be an aggressive way of asserting control or an obsessional desire to self regulate. If he is leaving things untidy in a disrespectful way that is quite different from leaving things that way because he is just isn't that bothered and is planning to do them after he has done something else equally important [to him]
knittingwithnettles I agree with you that the irritation is likely connected to a deeper issue. However, he does not do laundry or any other housework save for loading the dishwasher after dinner and making Sunday breakfast. Now I don't have a problem doing the majority of the housework (as I said previously) because my job means I have more time at home. It's a ft job but I have quite a bit of flexibility.
So I need to work out if I am BU because this is just how it is when living with a partner. After all, not one person is perfect and it's a matter of working out the flaws we can live with. But...I struggle with the feeling of being taken for granted. On one occasion I went out to an appointment and did not unload/reload the dishwasher before I left. Was in a hurry due to own fault/procrastination. I was driving when he called me, raging at me as he'd arrived home from work to find that I'd "left it for him to do" and "you are taking the fucking piss as you probably sat on your arse all morning ". Now here's the thing. Guilty as charged of leaving it due to idleness, BUT...I did not leave it for him as he never usually sorts it anyway, apart from the after dinner dishwasher load.
That example still eats at me because he never accepted he was out of order. When I argued that I did the vast majority of housework his response was that "you are at home more than me". Which is fair enough but how dare he lose his shit on the only occasion I left the house without sorting the dishwasher.
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