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help me get through the next few weeks and prepare my exit

(5 Posts)
puggedoff Fri 18-Nov-16 13:43:48

i've been married for almost 10 yrs, relationship for 12 and after our family holiday in september I've realised I'm done.

dh is a good man, good dad but I've been kidding myself for the past 3-4 years that that is good enough though.

he's very laid back and one of earth's plodders - does no housework, cooking, cleaning or diy or anything really other than his paid work.

i have a son from a previous 17yr and we have 2 dd together 10 & 4 - he also has 2 ds 19 & 16 from a previous who come over every other weekend.

i am fed up of living in a shit hole (i'm done with trying to keep on top of it), fed up of cooking meals for everyone (i hate cooking) i do all the shopping, cleaning, school runs, xmas organising and everything in between. i'm working christmas day and boxing day which to be honest I'm glad as i'm fed up of spending the day just us 5 with me doing absolutely everything.

after coming back from holiday at the end of sept we had a chat and i voiced some concerns and said lets see how it goes which i would have thought would have triggered something.

i'm positive now that things can't be salvaged and am just waiting to get xmas over so we can get on and get through the crappy time ahead.
i'm not looking forward to trying to get the house or the palaver of trying to sort childcare whilst i work long days but something has to be done as i am dying inside with the state of everything around me.

how do i get through the next few weeks without having a meltdown or a walkout and what can i busy myself with in preparation of calling it a day??

sorry for the verbal vomit - i have no pals in rl i can talk to

ofudginghell Fri 18-Nov-16 13:51:53

Sorry to hear your in this situation.
Have you sat him down and actually properly told him that your considering separation over his lack of help/support and family involvement?
Having a chat isn't always firm enough for them to realise your serious enough.
What was his response to the chat?what did he actually say when you told him?

After a really rough spell with my dh of 12 years back in the summer and a temporary break from each other we both decided we loved each other and needed to work on things.
I reminded him we were BOTH unhappy and that there were things I needed him to change and was well aware he probably felt the same but we just kept rubbing along getting more and more distant and defensive until we got to your stage.

Maybe suggest if he can't take what your saying on board then a temporary split so you can have some space each could be the next step?

All I can say is whilst at the stage you are at I threw myself into swimming a lot and busied myself with things with the kids and work and literally took each day at a time. You need to give him the chance to change and if your not coming across as serious he's going to be on the defensive and it will feel very tit for tat.
Put the kids to bed tonight and then sit him down and calmly calmly calmly explain everything and what your seeing as the future of things stay the way they are.
Give him. Couple of days to process it and then ask him again if he's wanting to change things or if he's made the decision not to in which case that will tell you

puggedoff Fri 18-Nov-16 14:48:25

ofudging - thank you for your reply, these issues we've had are long term and I've had many many conversations about the lack of help which have even included me moving out for 12 mths back in 2011. the past 3 years i've focused on my degree so probably didn't have time to keep nagging him, i just let it go but now i'm qualified and i'm in a good secure well paid job - i'm realising that i want more.

i have ambitions to do with my job which will involve a move in 2 years (I moved to be with him so have no friends or family near by - my world has revolved around him and the kids for 12 years) but he's not fussed and has no ambition. he goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, watches tv, goes to bed repeat ad infinitum.

a couple of things have put the final nail in the coffin:
we've been home from holiday since 30/9 I've asked him 3 times to put the suitcase in the loft - theyre still in the bedroom being a trip hazard.

it was our dd4's birthday party at the weekend - i went over board obvs preparing food, party bags, games etc and asked just 2 things of him - to watch the pass the parcel game and make sure the kids only take one wrapping off (did a boys parcel and a girls parcel) a girl ended up with the boy present and i asked him to take photos - ive got gorgeous photos of the room, food, cake etc prior to the kids coming in then nothing else. he asked me if i had taken any?? how when i was sorting out food, greeting kids, organising games and making sure everything ran smoothly while he stood around. no memories of a special day sad

we havent had sex since august time and prior to that it was always done as a chore - bad is it might seem but i cant be affectionate and sexy with someone who doesnt pull their weight - ive said this before to him and he says using sex as a reward for him doing what i want him to do is terrible.

if i do have the conversation again, it will be the end and then life over the next few weeks will be even more awkward and create an atmosphere with the kids.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 18-Nov-16 15:42:57

Well you've been plodding for 3 years so keep the end goal in sight.
Let things ride over you and just get on with it through gritted teeth until you can finally tell him it's over and move on with your life!
I'm glad you've realised you deserve better than this life.

DiegeticMuch Fri 18-Nov-16 18:48:48

See a solicitor so that you know where you stand legally, before you talk to DH.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes when you speak to him.

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