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Need to hear success stories from those who have stayed with their DH after an affair

(23 Posts)
Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 12:34:42

I've been with my DH for 17 years, married for 10 and have 2 kids (5 and 2).

Things haven't been great with us this year. We've lost our emotional connection. We haven't had sex since last November and although we've briefly talked about it we never resolved it. The kids were grinding me down ( I'm at sahm), I'd put on weight since the kids and I know I kept pushing him away. He became more distant.

My husband travels sometimes with work and it was when traveling he met someone in another office.

4 months ago he was acting odd. Not on his phone a lot but always keeping it near him. I looked at his phone and saw messages from a woman and it was obvious he was having an affair.

I confronted him and he admitted it had lasted 3 weeks and they had sex twice.

He immediately text her saying it was over and agreed to counselling which we are still going to.

We haven't had sex yet and I'm finding each day really hard. I go from thinking what am I doing, why haven't I chucked him out to I want us to work this out!

My head is all messed up. He's answering all my questions, consoling me when I'm upset and appears to be doing everything right.

It's only been 4 months and I know it's early days.

Please assure me it gets easier if you have stayed with your partner after an affair.

Please tell me we will have sex again!

Please tell me it will be ok!

Or am I being foolish to think it will!

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 12:36:44

Why do you think you should have chucked him out?

It doesn't sound like you want to.

Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 12:52:01

Doinitfine I guess it's because it's the default answer isn't it, to chuck him out.
If you'd have asked me last year if I would stay with him after an affair I would have said No!
However when it actually happens to you the reality is very different.
I do love him but keep wondering am I being a mug after what he did.

wundringnow Fri 18-Nov-16 13:09:17

You aren't being a mug. This is your life and your choice. You're doing the right thing getting counselling. For what it's worth, an affair wouldn't be a deal breaker for me either. People are complex and they do dumb things. A pattern of affairs and dishonesty would be cause for me to leave though.

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 13:19:05

It's a weird default answer though, isn't it?

"Yes, if something that I've never experienced happened to me, I know for sure what I'd do."

Well year ago you didn't know what she was on about.

So you don't need to listen to her.

You are not a mug for making a decision based on what you know now.

Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 13:29:15

Thanks ladies think I'm just having a wobble.

I've lurked on this board since I found out trying to find the answer.

The last 4 months have been horrific. He's broken my heart into a million pieces and I'm slowly trying to piece them back again .

Thanks again

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 13:37:05

Wobble away.

You've had your whole world torn asunder.

flowers

Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 14:44:02

Thank you

Joysmum Fri 18-Nov-16 14:58:17

What would you class as a success story?

Those that stayed together?

Or those that stayed together and have the trust back as it was and the marriage is a good and happy one as it used to be?

Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 15:13:00

Definitely the latter Joysmum

I don't want to stay together just for the kids. I want us to stay together because we make each other happy and the trust is back.

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 15:18:55

Why do you think things were bad between you before the affair?

Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 15:39:31

Doinitfine we were basically just co parenting. We haven't had sex since last November. We weren't arguing just coasting along with neither or us admitting there was a problem.

About a week before he started the affair I told him I was unhappy with our relationship but it was a very one sided conversation with him not saying much. He mumbled the word counselling but was as far as it went.

I wish I could turn back the clock and we could have fixed things sooner. We should have spoken to each other and been honest.

6demandingchildren Fri 18-Nov-16 15:50:22

Marriage isn't a house share it's hard work and commitment. You are just now having to work harder.
Me and hubby have just celebrated 20 years of marriage, 17 years ago her had an affair and I felt very much like you, things have not been perfect and it took many many years of trusting him and not getting that horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach.
But we worked through it and he is the love of my life and we talked so much and still do, imo talking is more important than sex.

Vagabond Fri 18-Nov-16 16:00:16

If he's genuinely sorry, I think you can work it out. My parents both had affairs and they've been married for 60 years and still going strong. I know many married couples who have both cheated, still going happily along.

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 16:01:28

Well he should have spoken to you and been honest.

You did speak to him and he didn't respond.

Had he already decided to have the affair at that point?

Why did you stop having sex?

Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 16:10:26

6demandingchildren - that's lovely to hear that you managed to work through it and are still together. You are right this is a tough time and will take hard work. We are both trying so fingers crossed.

Vagabond - yes he does seem remorseful and sorry but I just keep thinking what if I hadn't found out......

Doinitfine - he said he didn't plan it and it just happened! Hard one to believe and accept. He said he was missing the closeness we had and that's why he did it.
I kept pushing him away when he initiated sex as I had put weight on after the kids and didn't feel very confident in myself, I then initiated about March time and he turned me down which did wonders for my self esteem!

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 16:22:35

Well it certainly didn't "just happen".

He chose to do it.

When did he make that decision?

Why did he knock you back in March after 5 months of no sex if he was missing your closeness?

When did he meet the OW?

Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 16:34:38

Doinitfine
She works for the same company as him but not in the same office. He claims he can't remember knocking me back as I never up on it at the time - I know! We weren't communicating very well back then.
He claims it just happened when they were all out one night with work.

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 16:48:27

It didn't "just happen".

At some point he gave himsrlf permission to flirt with her, kiss her, have sex with her.

When?

Why?

When did he meet her for the first time?

If they had/have an ongoing work relationship, this was in the post before they slept together.

Is he still travelling?

Working with her?

Mk4 Fri 18-Nov-16 17:02:07

She started working there in August 2015 so met her then. He said he was friends with her first!
I've tried to explore the emotional connection he must have shared with her before they had sex but he doesn't seem to be able to articulate it.
Do I push it so that he tells me more?
He is still traveling but not as much and yes he still does see her. He says they only speak about work and are never alone together.
He's looking for a new job

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 19:57:02

He met her in August 2015 and you stopped having sex in November?

He said he was friends with her first!

Of course he was. That's when the affair started. At some point between August 2015 and the end of last year.

Do I push it so that he tells me more?

Yes. And also that he stops lying about not realising that he knocked you back.

I don't think your lack of sex life is the 3 cause of his affair. (Which blames you.)

I think you weren't having sex because he had his eye on someone at work and withdrew from you.

Why did you start to feel too fat for sex last year?

DoinItFine Fri 18-Nov-16 19:57:43

Why aren't you having sex now?

Cherylene Fri 18-Nov-16 20:21:39

I do know a couple who stayed together.

They had a bad thing happen, which they dealt with separately and which lead to one of them having an affair and they split up because this person wanted to leave the marriage.

It very quickly didn't work out, the person having the affair admitted their own responsibility in this and did not want to blame the circumstances. They had loads of counselling and worked out why they got together in the first place and where they wanted to go. Then they did it.

Over many years, they got through much worse together. If anything, they are better than ever.

I have no doubt that there has been a lot of hard work on both sides though.

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