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estranged alcoholic mum, dreading xmas...advice?

(6 Posts)
user1479460531 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:30:47

In March this year, after 42 years of emotional turmoil at the hands of an alcoholic mother, I finally cut ties with her after a particularly excruciating humiliation on holiday. I mistakenly took her away for a week, I should have known better I know, but she did her usual, got blind drunk, humiliated me, blamed it all on'll know the drill.
There has been no contact since, she even missed my daughter's 21st birthday this year, of course I'll get the blame for that I suppose.
The thing is, with xmas coming up I'm starting to get really anxious. I'm guilt ridden, worried about her, determined to stand my ground but at the same time just feel desperately SAD. How do I get through this, it feels like a major milestone, like if I go through xmas without contact that will be it forever. I'm so confused. Anyone experienced this? TIA.

wotoodoo Fri 18-Nov-16 09:45:56

I think you know how very toxic she is on your mental health. You are constantly feeling guilty about her, constantly want to do the right thing, and are emotionally torn when your good will towards her ends in your humiliation and hurt.

So you have 2 options. Carry on seeing her knowing what she is like and having low expectations that you will end up feeling good after being kind.

Or do what others do when faced with such toxicity, go no to low contact and accept that the mother you wish for doesn't exist.

For me, the dawning realisation that my mother would never change left me in mourning for about 5 years. I was mourning the loss of a caring, loving,kind mother who loved me.

Now I am much more emotionally detached, as she is dead and gone in my eyes. This helps. I still see her now and then and can pretend and smile but I never engage.

It seems to suit all round as there is no animosity, my dc get to see her, we can put a good facade for once or twice a year.

I rhink if anyone has experienced the true love of a wonderful mother, no matter how short a time they had with her, is worth every moment and worth more than a long relationship that is hell, hurtful and damaging.

Imagining she is dead already helped me move on, stopped me trying to make her a person she wasn't or could never be to me and I have blossomed in every way since without her negativity and poison in my life.

It is extreme I know but works for me x

user1479460531 Fri 18-Nov-16 10:11:44

Thank you for that wootoodoo, that's very helpful. Strangely, recently I had been thinking that this would be easier if she were dead. That sounds vile but my feelings about my mother are so mixed up and irrational that it feels almost that death would be an easier way to deal with not seeing her. The taboo of estrangement is playing on my mind a lot too. I haven't told many people, I've been avoiding the issue. I'm a classic child of an alcoholic, very few close relationships so it's been easy. My few friends all have warm, happy relationships with their mothers and I fear they'd be aghast that we are estranged now. They don't really know about our relationship. I suppose I'm ashamed.
At this point it will just be me, DP and DD at xmas, I feel I should relax and enjoy the first one without the pressure of her presence but I'm riddled with guilt and anxiety about it. It seems even with her out of my life her poison is still seeping in.

SeaEagleFeather Fri 18-Nov-16 10:22:36

The grief after a loving mother dies is a lot less complicated ime. When you're landed with a destructive mother, you're always wanting that unconditional love that a mother should give, and you look for it ... we're programmed to from the moment you're born.

It's hard to acknowledge how destructive they can be because of that programming. If you don't get that love, I don't think you ever quite stop searching for it and trying to find it in the woman who gave birth to you. But when the time comes that you can no longer pretend that she loves you, then you have to accept the loss of hope for a loving mother and face the reality of who she actually is.

Give yourself time to grieve and be sad. Take a long look at her as if she was just another adult instead of your mother. If it helps, write down a list of her good points and bad points, and also what is likely to happen at christmas if you invite her. Read it back three days later.

If you look on the Stately Homes thread here in Relationships, there might be some helpful stuff there.

alwayshappy101 Fri 18-Nov-16 11:08:11

My alcoholic mother and I have had the most awful on-off relationship since my ds was born 6 years ago.

She was always an irresponsible alcoholic,but I thought she'd change once my ds was born.when I was overdue I had a bleed and went to hospital.I called her to keep her informed,but I could tell she was drunk,so I told her not to come to the hospital.

I had my legs spread wide and the midwife having a good old gander down there,and my mum came falling through the door stinking of alcohol slurring her words saying "aww youre going to be a mummy" (i was worried i was losing the baby!)

Once I had my ds by emcs,the day after I got home she invited me and ds to her house.I explained that I was in no fit state to go anywhere at that point,also that I wouldn't go round with my ds anyway as her dp heavily chain smokes in her house and I don't want my baby breathing in second hand smoke.

I told her she was always welcome around mine,but she didn't want to do that as she wanted to be at home and able to drink alcohol whenever she wanted.

She thinks I'm being selfish but she really can't see that she is the selfish one.putting alcohol before her dgc's.

We have had such a rocky relationship,gone ages without is upsetting at first.but you do get used to it.

Your mum needs to change.

You should perhaps write her a letter saying you don't want your dc growing up thinking that alcohol abuse is love her,and when she gets help you will be there for her.but until she gets the help she needs you don't want to see her.

Christmas will be hard for you and your mum with nc,but maybe that will be the wake up call she needs?

In my experience alcoholics won't get help unless they want to change.

flowers for you.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 18-Nov-16 11:50:52

Could you try Al-Anon for support for you?
You may find it very helpful?

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