Walking away from getting married

[LostandConfused5]

I have got myself into rather a mess. Been with OH for 6 years, we are engaged with wedding planned for next year. But now I am starting to question everything.

I sometimes work away from home and while on a trip I started talking to a colleague, we found we had a lot in common. a few weeks later the work trip was over an we were all travelling back, and we were drunk and me and said colleague did things we shouldn't have. He has a wife and kids.
We then went on a second work trip away and spent every night together, and have fallen in love.
Even during the work trip I told him that we would never be together, as he has kids and I couldn't do that to his family. He says he has an OK marriage, and I thought (I think now I was papering over cracks in my head) that I had a fine relationship.

Since coming back from the second trip when we said at the end of trip it was over between us our feelings have not changed. and now I just don't know what to do anymore.

part of me says I need to answer 2 questions in a clear order

1. do I want to be with my fiancé and marry him?
   
2. if the above is no, do I want to be with the other guy.
   
   my heart knows what it wants, it wants the other man. my head is struggling.
   I can't seem to answer the questions in the right order.
   
   right now I want to say to the other guy that I want to be with him, then I would break up with fiancé and take the risk that me and other man doesn't work out.
   but if I say to the other man that I want to do it and he says no, I don't know if I would break up with fiancé.
   
   that is where I get confused.
   
   my relationship with my fiancé is "ok" but not perfect, he really struggles to communicate, getting to know his feelings is like getting blood out of a stone. and the other big thing is that we have very different attitudes to life, I am a "go get" person, he is a "if it happens, it happens" person and I am scared that this is just too different to be together for ever, which is what decision I feel I have to take if we get married (no one walks into a marriage thinking it might not work-surely?)
   
   so now everything is spinning in my head. I have told fiancé that I am freaking out about the wedding and that I am scared that we wont work out, and have told him about my thoughts on communication and attitude to life, and he says he wants to be with me, and wants me to think that he is the one for me again.
   
   I am now on a work trip again, other man is not here, and I just don't know what to do, or think anymore.
   
   help!

[Rosetime]

Hi, OP.
I know that right now it would be hard to do but I think you really need to separate the two issues.

If you had come to the realisation that actually your relationship with your fiance is not 'fine' as you thought through another means and not through meeting someone else, would you still want to go ahead with the marriage?

I understand your concerns about getting married to your fiance re: communication, attitudes to life etc. Coupled with the doubts you are having, I don't think your fiance is the one. In my experience, problems/issues/difficulties only get worse with marriage. In a happy marriage, good communication is essential. Communication shouldn't be a struggle..certainly not as hard as squeezing blood/water from stone.

If you separate the two issues, you could know if you should walk away knowing that the relationship wasn't right for both you and your fiance anyway irrespective of what happens with this new guy.

[sorryoldwoman]

I think most woman on here would say it sounds like you need to be on your own for awhile to just be you. Figure out if either one of these men are really for you. You might just be happier with your own company.

[LostandConfused5]

Thanks Rosetime for your response.
I have been trying really hard to separate the issues as I agree with you that that is the best thing to do. But it is very hard to do.

Part of it I think is being scared of being alone, I moved country to be with this guy, and most (all but 2) of my friends here are in fact his friends, so I fear that life will be very hard for me.

I have been asking myself the question you asked, would I still want to go ahead if I had come to realization without having met the other man. I don't know, I think I fall into the trap of, I'm 30 so right now I should be getting married and having kids, I feel like a bit of a failure to be honest.

I don't believe in "the one" as such, but I do agree with your point that he might not be one of the ones. I know that I should not be comparing these men, and that I am looking at the other man with rose tinted glasses on but still we communicate a lot better, have the same attitudes to life and I think we could make a really good couple. Whether that will ever get a chance to be proven I don't know.

logically I feel that while I really want to make a go of things with other man (if he also wants to) I also need to be OK with the idea of being alone, and that is something I am really struggling with.

[GinIsIn]

You might not believe in 'the one', but does your fiancé? Because this isn't just about you - your fiancé deserves to have someone marry him because they love him more than anything and want to spend their life with him, and that's clearly not you.

I agree with PPs - you should take some time to be on your own for a bit and find out who you really are and what you really want.

[rumred]

You're cheating on and deceiving your partner. Do the right thing and end the relationship if it isn't working. Being on your own is fine, it's so much healthier than being in a dysfunctional couple.
What do your friends think?

[EnglebertSlaptyback]

I was in a very similar situation.
Partner of 10 years. Relationship okay.
I had a night out with work people I'd known for years and just so happened to click with a colleague I'd never really spoken to before.

Colleague was in my situation, relationship okay but it wasn't amazing and we both felt unappreciated.

We wanted to be together and he split with his partner. I was locked in a rental agreement so told my BF I was unhappy.

End result was colleague got cold feet after moving out and went back to his gf.
My relationship never recovered despite me apologising and saying I wanted my BF back.
Turned out I didn't, I was 30 & scared to be alone!l despite the obviously EA (& eventually DV) relationships it was.
My BF then went on to cheat, seeing my behaviour as an excuse.

I wouldn't have been forced to acknowledge the state of my relationship if it hadn't been for this external influence & I'm glad I got away from what would have been a very unhappy marriage eventually. It also made me realise that there were other, far more suitable men out there. My self esteem thought BF was the best! Haha! Not even close!

I met my now DH when I was 31 and we've been together 5 years. He trumps the BF and the colleague easily!

Basically, don't stay because of age or fear of being alone.

Good luck.

[NovemberInDailyFailLand]

You claim you 'couldn't do that to his family', but you already have.

I've been the wife who was cheated on and lied to. It does a lot to you and your family, even if you never divorce. Leave the married man well alone.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

In reality, you should break up with your fiancé anyway, regardless of the other man situation.

If you can "fall in love" with someone else while engaged, then you are not in love with your fiancé. If you're not in love with him, then marriage will not fix anything, it will only make it worse.

So - forget married man unless you really DO want to break up his marriage as well - and tell fiancé it's over. It's the only fair thing to do; because even if things don't work out with THIS affair, you're unlikely to stay faithful to your fiancé even if you do marry him. Too much heartbreak down the line - minimise it now by getting out of both relationships, as neither is right for you.

[LostandConfused5]

rumred - only 2 of my friends know. One of them responded very similarly to RoseTime. The other one is angry and disappointed in me. Which I can completely understand.

Fenelle - you have a good point. Fiance does deserve better than me (considering my recent behavior) And I did think that I wanted to spend my life with him, otherwise I don't think I would have moved to a strange country to be with him.
Whether I still think he is the one for me, I don't know. I don't know whether this is a bit of a case of the grass is greener on the other side combined with wedding nerves and fiancé is actually is a "one" for me and I have just got confused or not.
(as someone working with numbers, I don't believe in the one as then the vast majority of us would never meet the one due to global population)

Englebert - thanks for telling my your story, I am lucky as I don't have EA or DV to deal with. I am just super scared.

[LostandConfused5]

November - Thanks for posting, you are right, I have already done damage to his wife and family.

Thumb - I am starting to think you (and some others) are right and maybe fiancé is not the man for me. I love him, but I don't know if I am in love with anymore. Now I just have to get it in my head to do the brave thing (it isn't bravery, but I feel I am not brave enough to do at the moment) and stop this wedding.
As for married man, he is now working through his relationship in his head, and working out if he wants to stay with her. He says, as you say, if he can fall in love with me, then what does that say about his marriage.

[DonaldStott]

I am surprised you think you have the choice of 2 men. sorry to sound arsh, but the other man has no intention of leaving his wife and children for you. You are a bit of excitement when he is away from home. You should split with ypur fiancee before you get married and you should not marry him because you are scared of feeling alone.

[Chinnygirl]

Maybe you should see a psychologist to help you make these steps. It really is a lot to go through and some perspective at times and a hand hold does help. In hindsight I wish I had done that.

I am also glad that I was alone for a bit (although he ended it) because I really changed as a person and found myself. I know it sounds hippy but it really is a good thing. There are a lot if good men out there (and a lot of bad). The trick is being a good person yourself and recognizing them.

[LostandConfused5]

Chinnygirl - think you must be a stronger person than me.

[TheNaze73]

Do you actually think, the other man will leave his wife? Think you've been played. Free your fiancé & tell him, he would have been marrying a cheat & have some single time to figure out what you actually want

[Cricrichan]

How self absorbed! Of course a work trip with a colleague and drinks etc is more exciting than being at home doing chores and paying bills etc. If you do end up with that man, you'll have the joy of looking after his kids part time, watching money go to paying for his family etc. Oh, and every time he goes on a work trip, you'll wonder if things aren't exciting enough at home and he's 'clicking' with another colleague.

Both you and your colleague should have sorted out your relationship before jumping in to bed together. From your op it's all about what you want and not a tiny bit of remorse for having cheated on your fiance and any effect it may have on him if he finds out or indeed how you'll feel about having cheated on him. For his sake, I wish you'd end it and let him find a decent woman.

[3ndofth2w33k]

Yes, I would walk away from getting married, he is not the man for you

The work colleague, may have just seen an "opportunity " while he was away from home and not had any true feelings for you

I would spend some time on your own

[timelytess]

No to other man.
No to marriage.
Make some space and start afresh. Good luck.

[ravenmum]

Your fiancé doesn't want to be dumped, but neither does he want to get married to someone who lies to him and sees him as a poor communicator who lacks get-up-and-go. He says he wants to be with you - but he means the you who is not a dissatisfied dissembler. He wants to be with the mask you are holding up to him, not the person behind the mask.

Good thing you have found out what it really feels like to love someone before he got tied down to you. You are really not doing him any favours staying with him.

[mrssapphirebright]

Whatever you do, do not marry your fiance. You have cheated on him already and the hard work of marriage (and kids) hasn't even sunk in yet. This man doesn't not sound right for you, please let him go so he can find someone who is.

[ElspethFlashman]

I would be surprised if you were the first woman that colleague has done this with, despite what he may say.

It's also clear you are just still with your fiance out of cowardice about the future. It's easier to stay with him. He is what you perceive to be a safety net.

In reality, you have had an affair and the marriage won't last. It's a fairly huge red flag waving "FUTURE DIVORCE" in big letters.

[confused114]

Don't get married, don't go with the other guy either. Be single. It's not fair for you to be with either of these men. It's not fair on you or them. Have sometime out and clear your head

[PickAChew]

It would be kinder to your fiancé not to marry him. Even without the distraction of another man (which probably would not have happened if your heart truly was in it regarding getting married) a sort of OK relationship is not a good basis for making what you would hope to be a lifelong commitment to someone.

[crazyhead]

See this as a bloody great red flag waving in your face. Get out of your current relationship, this would not be happening if it was right. It's the only decent thing to do, for yourself and for your fiance.

With regard to the other man, who knows? Having got myself into a similar situation for similar reasons 10 years ago, I would say that a) always mistrust your feelings in a situation where four people involved - the affair partners and the other partners. It isn't the same as the feelings in a couple b) sometimes affairs work out ok, but generally a relationship tainted by stress, pain and guilt from the outset doesn't end well.

The best thing I did for myself in your shoes was be single and take up a random hobby (kayaking) for a while in place of men. I am now happily married with kids. I am grateful things turned out ok but I felt very guilty and sorry for the situation for a long time, be prepared for that.

[Happybunny19]

Of course you shouldn't marry your fiance, why should he put up with being second choice. You need to stop seeing the married man and try being much less self absorbed. Live a single life until you're able to put another person's feeling above, or, at least, on a level to your own. You sound incredibly immature and not ready for long term commitment.

[HotNatured]

Seriously, this is a load of hand-ringing, self absorbed nonsense. Grow up !