Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
When/how should I tell the man I'm dating about my plans to leave the country?(15 Posts)
One year ago I moved back to the UK after living in Spain for a year. Although I've been getting by and had some really good times back home, I don't feel this city is my long-term home. Since leaving my Spanish job, my friend has become manager at the company where we worked together and has offered me a position there shortly after next summer - it would be an opportunity for me to hone my skills (which will be transferrable here with a bit more experience) & I do miss the country and the friends I made there very much.
Lately I began online dating & stated I was looking for some fun dates but nothing too serious due to my travel plans. The man I am now dating read my profile & then contacted me. We have just had our fifth date, where he referred to me as his 'girlfriend'. We have not had the exclusivity talk so I told him I was more comfortable dating and getting to know each other for a bit longer.
But it has made me realise things are getting serious & I feel myself slowly falling for him. He has told me that he thinks I am a 'rare find' & that he likes me very much. He travels frequently for work being self-employed as I have done and his brother and their wife also live in Spain. He has said he'd like to learn the language & in some way, I wonder if it works out if he might come with me. I realise it is too early for that but truthfully I never expected to meet someone who treats me with so much respect, kindness and affection (I do realise it's early days). He also told me he was considering moving to the same city I would like to relocate to back in the UK (before I even told him of my similar thought).
On the sixth date we are going for a hike and he is going to cook me dinner. Should I tell him about my plans then or later? Feeling torn and like I want to handle things v tactfully.
After 5 dates you're hardly going to break his heart.
Just be honest and open.
You say that but you should see the way he looks at me! I can't remember the last time someone looked at me with such tenderness over the last couple of dates and I feel a strong sense of security/calm whenever we're together. He is a complete breath of fresh air compared to others I have dated.
I think that's why I'm so afraid to speak up. I'm afraid to ruin a (currently) good thing.
I was on the receiving end of this earlier this year. I dated a guy in the forces who was not fully upfront about his upcoming posting, I suspect because like you he didn't want to ruin things or rock the boat!
When he did eventually come clean it was 6 months in and I had accepted a job in another city so we ended up splitting.
I wish he had been upfront and honest from the beginning as we really had a connection and it would have saved heartache to know it wasn't going anywhere.
If you can see this working make it clear that you want to give it a shot and see how he reacts.
I should mention, he was posted abroad.
Tell him. Let him decide. If you're worried about getting too close and needing to alter your plans that's something you'll have to think about.
hi lampshady - yes I know, I was just blinsided by meeting someone I like so much.
I have tried to imagine myself staying here and I know that my career/happiness cannot grow in the way that I want. I am learning Spanish for several hours a week - in fact seeing him and the classes are probably my two most looked forward to events each week! Staying here doesn't feel right in my soul I suppose, if we were to get that deep!!
He recently mentioned that his friend & his wife recently went travelling for a year & he told me his sister has just moved abroad her boyfriend for a year. It makes me wonder how open he might be to it.
Tell him your intentions sooner rather than later.
After 5 dates, I don't think he'll be that bothered
After 5 dates you're hardly going to break his heart
Wouldn't count on that. I've known hearts break for less.
Update: I decided to bite the bullet and tell him. He started talking about how he'd like to learn Spanish and somehow it gave me the confidence to talk about it.
He took it on the chin, looked excited for me & asked about my plans. Then he told me has applied to a job that could either keep him here or an hour from here. He also mentioned he would consider moving somewhere abroad again in future, but didn't specify. But I did notice his mood alter a bit after this, he seemed perceptibly sadder but I'm glad I mentioned it now. He did tell me how content he has been with me over this past month and I feel the same.
Our date lasted 11 1/2 hours! I suppose we just have to see how things go. Feels like a weight off my chest though.
I had a boyfriend many years ago who went travelling around the world. We met after it had been booked and he didn't tell me about it straight away. We had been going out for six months and we were really in love. It happened so fast but suddenly we were best friends and wanted to spend all of our time together. One night we were getting ready to go out to meet some of his friends and I mentioned I'd seen something that I was thinking of buying him for Christmas. It was November at this point. He suddenly broke down and started apologising over and over again saying he didn't know what to do. Turns out, his flight to Australia left on the 21st of December. I was absolutely heartbroken and he seemed genuinely upset too, and I understand why he couldn't tell me his plans. He wasn't sure if he was actually going to go and he wanted to stay with me. I told him to go. He did. By the end of January we had broken up and I was a mess. We were both quite young and loved up! He was my first actual boyfriend and I was the first girl he had ever loved. He ended up travelling and going back to Australia, living there for a few years before coming him. We bumped in to each other on his first night back in the uk which was so strange!
Telling him early was definitely the best thing to do. This way he can chose if he wants to carry anything in or if he wants to walk away before it gets too hard. Good luck with everything OP!
Glad you told him OP. Good luck. Lucille that is fete bumping into him on his first night back. Have you seen him again since?
wow Lucille, that's some story . It must have been tough for you at the time!
It's difficult because you can form this totally unexpected connection with someone and yet also have a really strong connection with a place and/or dreams that you've been harbouring for a long time.
Agreed that I've told him now and he can decide what he wants to do. He said he wants to go out again next week after I told him this so time will tell.
Well, if he is self-employed and has connections to Spain, he might want to go with you if things go well. Or you might want to change your plans. And Spain is quite near.
You've done the right thing telling him, but I don't think this necessarily spells doom for you two. If he is the right person, everything can turn out well.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.