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Is Love something we benefit from feeling or is it for the benefit of the one who is being loved

(15 Posts)
pregnantat50 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:16:11

I was just thinking about this (maybe too deeply!)

When we fall in love, we feel great, endorphin buz and all that, what I am wondering then is it selfish to love someone because we are loving someone to feel good inside. I once read that to truly love someone you would let them go if you knew they would be happier away from you but most people I know, want to hang on to the person they love and that 'feeling' is love actually a selfish emotion? I am talking about love between 2 people in a romantic way not maternal or any other type of love, that isnt selfish (normally) as mums would sacrifice themself for their child in most cases.

Love is a chemical reaction, a type of bond to keep us with our mate, but who does it benefit and surely nature should have got it right that mates should be equally committed and attracted to each other, I just cant imagine a penguin saying "no your not my type to a potential mate"

Its OK, I know I sound daft, its nearly the weekend though x

Bobochic Thu 17-Nov-16 16:19:06

Love is two, distinct things.

There is sexual chemistry (falling in love).

And there is long term cherishing, care, kindness and putting the joint interests of a couple/family first.

We call both love but they are distinctly different issues.

TheNaze73 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:21:32

I think your point is very good. Most people wouldn't free the one they love, if they'd met casually slept into convo that they'd met OW/OM.

J0kersSmile Thu 17-Nov-16 16:23:40

Interesting thread.

Falling in love and wanting to keep someone is selfish.

jeaux90 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:25:08

Are they distinctly different though? I always thought the success of a LTR depends on the long term kindness and shared goals etc and also the sexual chemistry (bond). I think you should let someone go if you 'feel' like you still love them but all the above has gone.

SarcasmMode Thu 17-Nov-16 16:31:25

If love is the caring, selfless type then both should benefit equally.

In fact, that's what I'd define proper love as- where both the persons involved get equal happiness.

pregnantat50 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:43:00

Its very rare to find a relationship where both feel the same level of love, commitment towards each other. Its a shame but it seems that way from personal experience and reading some of these threads.

I am at the stage where the only love I feel is for my children and mother, plus a lot of affection for my close friends.

Having recently escaped an ea relationship, its as if I have been released from the burden of feeling emotions that are almost destructive. Romantic love can cause jealousy and other destructive painful feelings (which again I guess is to do with chemistry and bonding with a potential mate that you want no one else to lay claim too)

I am not sure I want to fall in love again to be honest (I am 51 though and my baby making days are behind me so there is little point in the bonding emotions if that makes sense)

pregnantat50 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:45:18

My parents had a lovely relationship, seemed very well balanced throughout and you could see the love between them. However, towards the end of my fathers life, my mum said her feelings changed from romantic to affection as she became his carer to his illness. He was 10 years older than her too so maybe that makes a difference

pregnantat50 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:47:15

I dont imagine its possible to love someone without wanting something back from the person. Unrequited love is painful because it is unrequited, not sure what the point of it is and why we end up so hung up on someone that we cant have. Just re reading that sentence and realise it makes it sound like someone who loves someone needs to own them to be fulfilled.

Joysmum Thu 17-Nov-16 16:53:40

With love comes responsibilities.

I always said I married my DH because I knew I could make him happy, many see it the other way around, that they can make you happy.

However, if my DH did not meet the responsibilities that come with being deserving of my love, painful as it would be I'd cut loose. This is because there's another love at stake, my love for myself.

Never again with I be a victim. My DH knows this. My boundaries are clear and he knows I'm capable of thriving without him if I need to, and visa versa, which limits the potential for taking each other for granted and makes us appreciate each other as being chosen partners, not stuck with each other.

pregnantat50 Thu 17-Nov-16 17:10:21

You make a good point Joysmum in your last paragraph
he knows I'm capable of thriving without him if I need to, and visa versa
I agree with that entirely, everyone needs to know they are capable of being alone first and then in a loving relationship should just be a bonus. Some people (myself once included) think they are not complete unless in a relationship which puts pressure on the other person to be responsible for providing that person with happiness, security etc.

noego Thu 17-Nov-16 17:14:12

In this world their is what I would call pseudo love driven by the ego and egoic fantasy. Probably brought on by novels like Pride and Prejudice and other classic romantic novels that became fashionable at the time. This has been perpetuated over the years by other novels, films, media to name but a few. To find true utopian love one has to find the True Self and abandon the egoic self. One's happiness is ones own responsibility and this can only be found within and not be found in another person by anything materialistic (in other words without) If one is truly happy with one's own true self and you meet someone that is the same, then you can come together and be happy together. If you are looking for someone to make you happy, by believing that they love you or that you love them then it is a train crash waiting to happen. Think about it, every time you make a sacrifice or compromise a little resentment builds, To expect someone else to make you happy or make you laugh is selfish. It is unreasonable to expect someone to be like that all the time. It is not in fact unconditional love. It is indeed love with conditions. If you make me laugh I will love you (condition) if you make me happy I will love you (condition) and so it goes on until the bubble bursts. LOVE your self truly first, find the non egoic self and everything else fall into place.

pregnantat50 Thu 17-Nov-16 17:23:31

I was actually very conscious of falling in love and very aware of my feelings with my ex. It was strange as he wasn't my type at all, we had nothing in common, except loneliness. I was surprised at myself and wondered why I had allowed myself to feel that way, when I was still recovering from another terrible relationship. Rebound I guess. I remember thinking, woah, slow down girl, you dont want to feel this so soon, but it wasnt helped by being whisked off my feet (literally) to Paris etc., then move on 3 years and I am very conscious of not feeling anything for him anymore, not a thing. It didnt help that the person I loved was really in my head and not him, I had this image of a lovely family man with children who adored him, strong morales and kind, then I realised he wasn't that person at all and I had fallen in love with an invented person that didnt exist. So then I felt the feelings dissolve and I am indifferent to him, like it didnt happen. (he did speed that process up with his behaviour but I dont think I really loved him in the first place, i just wanted the endorphin rush)

SarcasmMode Thu 17-Nov-16 17:49:39

I see it as if two people love each other they will want to give and hope to take. Obviously if it's all give the relationship is unbalanced.

As with many things there are different type of love like emotions and they often get blurred.

Infatuation - like an obsession.
Devotion - like a follower.
Lust - sexual.

There is the love of a mother and child, two close friends, two siblings, adoptive siblings and of course romantic.

There is just so many variables really.

Crystal15 Fri 18-Nov-16 15:07:23

Tbh romantic love annoys me. We are sold this ideal in the media of lusty high feeling love. Real love is finding somebody who you value so deeply the thought of been without them doesn't bare thinking about. Similar to family love but I wouldn't say it's unconditional. If my DH hurt me beyond forgiveness I would have to make a choice. But as a PP said I love myseld and respect myself too so DH wouldn't be loved regardless. I love him as he loves me, he's loyal, caring, great father. He's far from perfect but I do feel like I found a good man. Yes we do have the odd lusty moments still but it's nothing like the early stages with the euphoric highs and and we aren't tearing eachothers clothes off at every opportunity. We are more settled and balanced now. Tbh the early days weren't that fun at times, such passion can have its lows with jealousy too.

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