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Why would my Dad do this?

(31 Posts)
Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 14:36:23

The year before last he was unwell, with cancer. It was localised, and treated successfully but it defined the year. He is also disabled, with an unrelated condition and is a mobility scooter user.

Every year he has said how lovely it would be to go the the Carols at Kings, in Cambridge. Usually you have to sit around all day to get a ticket but they do keep a few back for those with disabilities etc. So I wrote in, told them about my dad and very luckily got 2 tickets! He and my mum planned to go down to Cambridge, have some late lunch there and make a day of it.

Christmas came and I asked how it was and my mum gushed at how moving and amazing it was, how great the seats were etc. I asked my dad and he said "I didn't want to go in so I listened to it on the radio in the car."shock And so it transpires that he decided he didn't fancy it afterall, but drove my mum and brother to Cambridge, dropped them at Kings, and went for a pint. angry My brother is in his 40s, perfectly not disabled, as is my mum.

What the hell was that about? When I said I was hurt, that was my surprise to him and my mum and brother shouldn't have taken those tickets, he said he'd changed his mind and it was up to him who he gave them to, and I was being silly.

It's shitty though isn't it?

TheNaze73 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:07:48

I think your response is a bit OTT & you need to let it go. It was ages ago.
There is no logic to some peoples thinking & what you did was a lovely gesture but, to say it's shitty, nearly a year later about your own disabled Father, seems a bit weird

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours Thu 17-Nov-16 16:10:59

I think I would be upset too to be honest. quite an odd thing for him to do.

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 16:37:40

It's in the context I suppose of other tensions between us - this was last Christmas and it made me think of it again. It'll sound like a drip feed but we are NC at the moment, not because of this, but this sort of encapsulates his behaviour towards me.

category12 Thu 17-Nov-16 16:39:05

It is a very odd thing to do, and it wasn't right that he gave able-bodied people the tickets (family or not). But it's no point in being cross now. It's done.

It might be that he just couldn't face the crowds (or something like that about the event) when it came to it. I wouldn't buy him tickets for such things in future tho.

CMOTDibbler Thu 17-Nov-16 16:46:05

My dad would love to go to that sort of thing, but is terribly embarrassed that after prostate problems he has issues with bladder urgency and frequency so wouldn't go to anything where this would be a problem - when he needs to go he has to go right then! I only know as he was caught short once when someone else was in the disabled loo (also uses a mobility scooter)
Could this be the case with your dad?

ShelaghTurner Thu 17-Nov-16 16:56:19

It is odd. He knew it was a special treat, not just any old tickets.

Hissy Thu 17-Nov-16 16:57:52

If you're NC, there will be other matters contributing

My ex was abusive. Never received a single present from me with any grace - unless it made him look flash.

In the 10 years we were together only 2 or 3 gifts were ever used.

Appreciation of anything I did would have given me pleasure, something that was alien and a threat to him some how.

Your dad is mean. He snubbed your gift. You know it and so does he.

Don't buy another thing for him. Sod him.

Bluntness100 Thu 17-Nov-16 17:02:11

Why was your brother there can I ask? He didn't have a ticket. So I guess it was arranged in advance. Possibly there was a health issue here where he was unsure if he could sit through the entire performance, comfortably or otherwise.

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 17:32:16

He goes to the theatre regularly, and the cinema too. My brother is a shocking freeloader but would genuinely have liked to go. In fact it would have made more sense if he and my dad went. But it was clearly arranged that my dad wouldn't go in. It felt like such a slap in the face, which is par for the course with my dad, sadly.

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 17:32:48

Hissy yes. That resonates. sad

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 17:35:16

Actually thinking about it, it's not the first time. I was a member years ago of a really nice health club/spa and got passes for him and my brother. Dad went into the steam room and sauna but then disappeared. So we all had to get out to find him, instead of hanging around the really lovely pool and spa bit. He was dressed, in the bar, and complained to my mum when we got home that we had "just left him." Like he was determined to be a pain in the arse.

Jackie0 Thu 17-Nov-16 17:39:59

Hissy has hit the nail on the head.

zzzzz Thu 17-Nov-16 17:40:24

Perhaps he'd rather you took him to the pub and bought him a drink?

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 18:05:47

Possibly. One of the reasons we are NC is his longstanding drink problem. It was just that this was such a special thing, and so hard to get tickets etc. Sad to sabotage it.
I sent quotes big present for his birthday (big birthday) from all of us, grandchildren etc, even though we were almost totally NC, and instead of thanking us, he rang the courier company to get them to pass on a message to "the sender" that he didn't know who had sent it, yet I had included a gift card, and anyway it was obvious it was from us. It's odd how this is all coming back to me.

They lived overseas for a while, and I went to visit. We went out for dinner on the last night I was there, and I'd said I'd get dinner but when the bill came they didn't accept my kind of credit card, so my mum paid. It wasn't tons either, incidentally, about £40. On the way to the airport he drove me to a cash machine and told me to get the money out to cover dinner. I was a bit shocked but did it, and mentioned it to my mum (she wasn't there at the time) and she went batshit with him. He didn't pass the money on to her either, he just kept it. I think he thinks I owe him somehow.sad

Hissy Thu 17-Nov-16 18:08:44

It's the ultimate in manipulative behaviour, passively aggressively designed to hurt you. It's a rejection of your kindness.

It's a rejection of YOU.

If you made him a cuppa tea, it'd stick in his throat.

He will ruin everything you try to do to win his approval.

He is the sad fuck with the issues.

Don't waster your time or money on him on anyone like him again.

Make that the gift you give yourself.

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 18:36:04

That's terribly dark isn't it?sad

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 18:59:41

I was half debating getting in touch for Christmas but I don't know where I'd start. Does he hate me or hate himself? I don't understand.

laurzj82 Thu 17-Nov-16 19:03:36

At first I thought you were a bit OTT but reading the rest I've changed my mind. Is there a back story of why he thinks you owe him in some way?

Lordamighty Thu 17-Nov-16 19:11:34

I agree with Hissy, he will ruin everything you do for him. Stop trying to win him over, the truth is he just isn't worth your effort.

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 19:15:03

I don't know why - he's absolutely always been like this. If I achieved anything, he'd say it was as a result of his coaching etc.

Whisky2014 Thu 17-Nov-16 19:15:48

Stop trying

Jimminyriddle Thu 17-Nov-16 19:17:36

Yes I've pretty much given up. I had a monumental row with my mum, whose behaviour was really shocking, and even though he wasn't there, he totally took her side and seemed to take the opportunity for a massive character assassination. But then ended it with "we miss you, please get in touch." Er, no.

PirateCatOvenGloveOption Thu 17-Nov-16 19:17:39

Stop doing this to yourself OP. You are like a moth at a lamp. Please give yourself a break from this abusive relationship. He will not change. Head up, flare your nostrils and walk away. He does not deserve you.

Yoksha Thu 17-Nov-16 20:12:39

He's the sad fuck with the issues

^ this^

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