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Help me work out what I want!

(13 Posts)
Verticalvenetianblinds Thu 17-Nov-16 14:30:48

I kinda need to see this written down to help make sense of it.
We have a 12k debt, paying back over 5 years. We have 2 cars, one good one on its last legs. We rent and have it guaranteed for 3 more years.
Dh earns an ok wage (25k) I earn 12 which is good considering I'm unskilled. He works 37 hours, I work 26. Neither of us can work anymore. However I want dh too try and get a better paid job, he is skilled and could if he believed in himself, but he won't,can't,doesn't want to. We have no luxuries, can not cut anymore than we already have.
He is an excellent dad, but quite often needs reminding about basic things, like bedtime times, bathing them etc, he's essentially lazy.
My constant question in my head tho, is this it? Always scrimping and saving, never getting our heads above water, no plan for what will happen in 3 years, no plan if the old car goes bang.
If we were to split up I'd be entitled to extra tax credits etc so id actually be better off financially and I reckon he'd go live back at home as he couldn't afford maintenance and rent somewhere else.
Is it better to be in a safe mediocre relationship or to jump and be a single mum? I'm v introverted so would struggle to meet anyone plus live in a small (backwards) place.
I don't have a plan but I know I can't carry on feeling meh about it all.

Jump? Stay? I don't know what will make me happy and no one in rl who is impartial. Part of me just wants to pack the kids up and move to New Zealand (but I know running wont help!)
Urgh. So much of this stems from my own feelings of inadequacies but I do know if it wasn't for the kids we wouldn't be together.

callmeadoctor Thu 17-Nov-16 14:32:50

Is it possible that your DH could try a few part time hours in the job he is skilled at, to regain his confidence maybe?

Verticalvenetianblinds Thu 17-Nov-16 14:35:41

He won't. He's too lazy!

Cricrichan Thu 17-Nov-16 14:41:22

Why don't you train in something or set up a business or something??

Verticalvenetianblinds Thu 17-Nov-16 14:43:54

I looked at retraining but we couldn't take the hit of apprenticeship wages til we've cleared the debt. It's on the back burner for now

Bob19702 Thu 17-Nov-16 14:48:25

I went back to study at 39 when in a similar situation to yourself , it took me 3 years 2 nights a week around work and was very hard to balance it all with family life but it worked out for me doubling my salary . How old is he I think for me approaching 40 made me reevaluate my life , it takes a lot of commitment not easy if someone is lazy and has no aspirations

Myusernameismyusername Thu 17-Nov-16 15:00:32

Its a slight fallacy about tax credits and benefits making you better off at a certain point. It can really end up in the same place - climbing and never getting anywhere. Unless you go study for 3 years get a degree and try for a new career. Which is hard financially and coping with kids alone.

So I am single parent for 8 years who over the years has worked my way up jobs wise but it's still just under the total tax credits cut off, so I now get the exact same amount on paper as I always have done, although I now work more and earn 80% or more of it myself. Obviously this is correct and morally right but it's not really put me in a better position.

So I've moved from 30% wages 70% benefits to 80% wages 20% tax credits but I have relatively the same amount of money for 8 years.
Although now, I don't get any help with free prescriptions or school dinners.

All I can do is keep slogging it out to try push past the salary/benefits barrier but then I am single parent, which means I have to work full time and things don't get done in the house and I am the one who has to sacrifice work when kids are unwell or in the holidays.

ocelot7 Thu 17-Nov-16 15:00:40

I don't think you should expect this of your DH if you don't expect it of yourself. Why are you unskilled? Perhaps you should investigate training for a more interesting & better paid job and that would provide more money and reduce the financial pressure you feel now,.

After working full-time plus some community stuff I don't have a lot of energy left (I am older than you) so am grateful I am not having to be applying for jobs as well - its very time-consuming & can be soul-destroying.

I'm not clear if the financial situation is colouring your view of your DH or you expect him to be the 'breadwinner' or you really don't want the relationship any more? You sound quite dissatisfied with yourself so probably that's where to start. Think of where you want to be - in life & work - in 5 years time then work out what you have to do to get there.

ocelot7 Thu 17-Nov-16 15:08:28

Same as Myu I was a single parent & stuff never got fixed in the house - no money or expertise to fix it.

I do wonder if yr relationship really is mediocre or if you have a rather rose-tinted view of other peoples relationships/lives?

Verticalvenetianblinds Thu 17-Nov-16 16:10:39

It may be a case of grass is greener...

Dadaist Fri 18-Nov-16 23:01:14

My wise old Grandmother always said 'poverty through the door, love out the window'. Financial pressures put huge strains on any relationship and it's virtually impossible not to be affected in feeling less positive, less able to support each other, appreciate each other, love and be loved. I really don't think what you are feeling is down to there being something so wrong that you couldn't work on making it better- if it weren't for the daily struggle that makes every step forward painful and heavy. But don't despair. You need to get some debt counselling (you really won't be better off on benefits!!!) and see that if you stop taking on water you won't sink. What you have is better than others struggle with and you need to find a little space and time to mend a few of the things that are hurting your relationship, getting you down and demotivating you. I hear you about DH being lazy - but he may be feeling depressed also? Try and be kind to one another? Try and focus on small positive steps - and you will climb out of this place. Good luck!

HeddaGarbled Fri 18-Nov-16 23:20:04

He works full time. Why are you all saying he's lazy? He doesn't have to change jobs if he doesn't want to just because you want him to. Maybe he likes his current job.

You could work full time. If you earned the same as him you'd be on £50k.

Yes, you'd have to sort out childcare and yes, he'd have to step up at home but those things are possible and considerably less drastic than forcing him to change jobs when he doesn't want to.

But there's more going on, isn't there? There must be additional reasons why you want to leave him. You can leave him if you want to but don't do it because he doesn't earn much and certainly don't take his children to New Zealand.

Have a proper think about what's gone wrong in your marriage apart from the money worries. Lots of people get through tough times like this because they love each other and support each other and are nice to each other. What needs to change? Can you sort it by talking together or do you need some outside help like relationship counselling? Or do you think it's unfixable? Do you want to fix it?

ladylambkin Fri 18-Nov-16 23:25:44

You have mentioned money a lot but no mention of whether you love your DH surely that's the most important thing?

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