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Shocked at what DM said!!

(22 Posts)
chocsandtwirls Thu 17-Nov-16 13:38:31

This is just a rant as I guess I can't believe that my DM has said this!
I'm currently trying to get out of a EA relationship and wanting to plan as in unsure how OH will react. When speaking to my mum I explained this was the most dangerous time and I said but what if he hits me I'm scared of that. Her reply was well he would only do it once and then he would be out of you life for good. I said well I don't want him to hit me fullstop! Bit shocked that she was saying it would be a good thing if he hit me as he would be out of my life.
She hasn't really been that supportive and doesn't understand. I've tried explaining and she just says well I wouldn't let him speak to me in that way, stand up for yourself. She's told me I can't come back home in the mean time too.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 13:40:37

Oh she sounds like a treat confused

Taking the two issues separately. do you really want to continue to be in contact with a mum who is content for someone to hit you and refuses to let you stay with her when you're scared?

And secondly, do you now have a plan to leave him or separate from him?

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Nov-16 13:51:44

OMG - I'd be round to 'rescue' my DD in a heartbeat if she was in this situation.
He would not get the opportunity to him my DD if I could help it.
I'm sorry your mum is not being supportive.
What are your plans for leaving?

Scribblegirl Thu 17-Nov-16 13:54:11

I think it comes from an attitude that physical violence is the only ''acceptable'' reason to leave. Common back in the day but sadly remains prevalent. Is your mum still with your dad/another partner - what's their relationship like? I tend not to take any arguments between me and DP to my mum, firstly because I think they're between us, but mostly because my dad has always been (and still is) EA towards her/us kids, and she thinks that's 'just what you put up with in a relationship'. Still shit though.

Good luck with leaving flowers as Trifle says, do you feel like you can do so safely or are you still trying to form a plan?

comoneileen Thu 17-Nov-16 13:56:09

call womansaid for support, you mum sounds useless.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 17-Nov-16 13:58:19

I'm sorry op, but in a weird way I think she is sort of saying that you do need to leave him; as Scribble says, a lot of people think that physical assault is the only acceptable reason to leave.

She sounds like she is struggling to deal with the situation herself and so is being a bitch to you; I can relate as my mother used to get upset when people were mean to me.... and then she took out her bad temper on me because it was my fault she was sad confused people are weird. Try not to take her weirdness to heart, it is probably not just about you or anything you're doing.

chocsandtwirls Thu 17-Nov-16 14:09:40

Scribble I think you might be right. From what my mum has told me about before my parents had me, my mum used to throw things at him and scream and shout. My dad has choked my mum when we were little too as she said something that touched a nerve. Last year he push my mum down and was being threatening to me when they found out I was pregnant (they don't like my OH) which resulted in me calling the police as I was scared. These are isolated incidents as my dad isn't horrible but I think they think it's acceptable to do things like this.

Trifle, hellsbells I'm still trying to decide if a refuge is right for me.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 14:11:52

Women's Aid would be a good place to start, as I understand it.

chocsandtwirls Thu 17-Nov-16 14:12:07

Oops didn't mean to click post there!

I think a refuge might be right be I'm just scared about doing it now. I feel things may really ramp up if I go to a refuge as he may see me as trying to take his child away from him. Which isn't the case.
Lacontessa* that may be the case. I just couldn't believe she said that. I just gave up talking to her about it after that. I just feel like I'm not getting through to her

chocsandtwirls Thu 17-Nov-16 14:21:02

Thanks trifle I have rung them and my local DA charity. Waiting for an outreach appointment atm.

LaContessaDiPlump Thu 17-Nov-16 14:30:39

Well no, I can see how it would throw you thanks my advice would be to mentally distance yourself from her and your dad while you're separating from your partner. It's hard, but try to expect nothing from them at all. Dealing with the disappointment when people don't support you is horrible, but slightly easier if you can train yourself not to expect it. Lean heavily on people who DO support you, though. If you've got limited support in RL then remember that we are always here and (sadly) vastly knowledgable on this topic......

chocsandtwirls Thu 17-Nov-16 16:25:06

Thanks lacontessa. It is really tough as I feel like they have been there in the past for small worries but when it comes to really needing them then they are not there. I don't really have anyone around. I have friends but I just can't bring myself to tell them, I know I shouldn't be embarrassed but I can't help it.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Nov-16 16:34:34

Yes, unfortunately these abusers thrive on the fact that 'you' are embarrassed.
It's really quite ironic.
You should be warning everybody around and shouting it from the rooftops so you get the support you need.
Unfortunately again, this is why it's still so common place.
Because people don't speak out and do keep it to themselves because they feel in some way responsible.
Just goes to show what a good job the abuser does on their 'victim'
I honestly can't imagine what it feels like but please do confide in people about all of this.
It's all HIS shame, not yours!

SarcasmMode Thu 17-Nov-16 16:35:52

She sounds a bit thick to be honest.

The two correlations don't work.

He can be out of your life for good with no violence and he could steal be a part of it if he was violent. It's all about how you handle it (which sounds like very well).

There is no educating this kind of ignorance though if she can pass blasé comments related to violence.

SarcasmMode Thu 17-Nov-16 16:38:11

Oh and if disagree your Dad is horrible. Pushing someone once might be an anger furled mistake but choking someone?

This is why your Mum is blasé about violence - her own husband is a thug.

Good luck op.

chocsandtwirls Thu 17-Nov-16 21:12:38

Thanks hellsbells I actually found the courage to tell one of my close friends tonight. Although she didn't offer much advice she was an ear to listen and it felt good talking about it!

My dad isn't an overall bad person he is kind and caring most of the time. But yes I agree that wasn't nice and I was pretty young when it happened. Luckily I knew a family friends number to ring. The thing that happened last year, I could see my mum was worried but wouldn't do anything about it.

Perhaps she is that way because of this. She was also violent towards him when they were younger.

comoneileen Thu 17-Nov-16 21:45:43

Once you are out and safe with your DD then you can reflect on how the incidents with your parents affected you. for now the priority is to find the way to leave and I agree that your parents might not be the right kind of support right now.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 18-Nov-16 11:06:03

Well done telling someone.
It must be a relief to actually get it off of your chest.
A problem shared is a problem halved and all that (well... not quite in the situation, but you know what I mean)
Keep pushing on!

pringlecat Fri 18-Nov-16 11:13:59

I suspect the point she was trying to (badly) make is that if he were to hit you, you would have enough physical proof of his abuse to go to the police and get a restraining order against him. EA is awful, but it doesn't leave visible marks, only hidden ones. Focus on the fact that she agreed you should leave him and don't let the rest upset you.

It's clear that someone else IRL with perhaps more empathy would be a good person to have around you right now - can you bring yourself to tell one friend? Just one? Consider if your positions were swapped - how would you react? You wouldn't judge would you, you would try to help in whatever way you could? Trust that your friend would do the same for you and reach out.

MadisonMontgomery Fri 18-Nov-16 12:13:53

I assume she meant that if he was physically violent then the police would be involved, you could look at a restraining order etc? Not massively helpful in the meantime tho! Why won't she let you move home?

Aroundtheworldandback Fri 18-Nov-16 16:03:44

From what your mum said I read that as her clumsily saying if he hit you you'd stop messing around and leave him for good. Sounds like she thinks that's the only thing that would force you to take action.

chocsandtwirls Fri 18-Nov-16 21:17:55

Hellsbells it was a big relief and she didn't judge or try and understand she just let me talk.

Pringle I guess so, she's never really understood and I think it's because she can't see the visible damage. She doesn't see my home life. I managed to tell one of my close friends last night and she was lovely about it. She didn't judge or anything.

Madison she says that if I went home then I'd never leave and the council would never get me a house. I also think my dad and her like their freedom now that my sis has also left home too.

Aroundtheworld maybe. She told me to wait until after Xmas though as it would all be a mess!! I don't think she gets my planning either to try safeguard me and my son.

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