I need someone to believe me

[Wilhamenawonka]

This is about abuse. Not sexual financial or physical or even verbal in ways that are generally understood.

It was covert passive aggressive abuse over 17 years and i finally got him to leave 20 months ago. I now know that it involved all the above but so subtly that even now it feels like a fog trying to penetrate it.

Although I know intellectually that it was abuse it's only This week that I've started to get it emotionally and now I'm broken.

I'll never be in another relationship because i can't trust myself to stay safe and also i have vaginismus which ideveloped due to his approach to sex.
Every day more and more things hit me and break my heart all over again.

The thing is that i can't even give examples because I'm so scared of people not getting it and making me question myself again.

I'll never stop questioning if it was all my fault. I'm broken.

Please say you believe me because he is such a master at subtle passive aggressive abuse no one (except my counsellor and close friend) would ever get it.
I'm not a drama queen making this up but thats what I've been telling myself for years.

I feel sick all the time and just need to get it out.

[OohhThatsMe]

I've read enough on here to believe you, OP. Some of these guys are absolute masters at what they do. So sorry you spent so long with him, but isn't it wonderful you're away from him now? You can now start to plan the rest of your life without him.

[Wilhamenawonka]

I can't. There's nothing of me left. Im just a shell now.

[Amandahugandkisses]

I believe you.
Some things sound a certain way on paper but no one really knows the truth.
I hope everything works out for you. X

[LilaTheLion]

I believe you. I was also in a situation where I felt I could not explain what was going on in my house.

Your feelings are valid. You don't need to doubt yourself.

Maybe if you give some examples of behaviour the outrage that will certainly follow on here will help you feel the validation you need?

I'm glad you are in counselling and have a friend. Use mumsnet too. It can be another anonymous source of support.

[Wilhamenawonka]

It's all such a fog.
Why would anyone believe that him forgetting to buy something at the shop was abusive?
Or that the very act of doing something nice was actually an act of punishment?

[Diamogs]

Abusers are very clever, they are skilled manipulators. I believe you OP.

[comoneileen]

You need to believe yourself.

[Wilhamenawonka]

I can't allow myself to speak to him as its so damaging but we have children.

My 6 year old keeps asking why i don't like daddy.
How can i explain that he only seems to be nice but isn't. That the only reason he said happy birthday to me was so she could see him do it. It wasn't him being the bigger person but that's what it looks like.

It's such a colossal head fuck.

Here's my husband
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

[MingeFog]

Firstly, well done OP for getting yourself out of that situation. You were trapped for such a long time, and now it's going to take time to recover and heal at your own pace. There is no right or wrong way to start the process, but you have taken the first steps to doing so.

Secondly, there are many women on this site who I'm sure have had similar experiences to you, and if you think it'll be cathartic, you can post about these things - I think it would surprise you how many posters respond with similar experiences. At the moment you're blaming yourself and feeling guilty because he has trained you to do that over 17 years in a cycle of abuse - please start to be kinder to yourself.

There is a great thread which features the different types of abusers from Lundy Bancroft's book, but I can't remember which thread it is. Perhaps another poster could link to it as I'm sure reading some posters' responses on there might make you feel a little less shaky about this.

Lastly, I am here, and I believe you. You are not a drama queen, you are not broken. It's not your fault. I believe you.

[TwitterQueen1]

I'm not surprised you feel like an empty shell OP - he has sucked everything away from you - your confidence, your joy, your willpower...

But nature abhors a vacuum.... so your empty shell will begin to fill again as you regain your confidence, until you are you again. Every day will see a little bit of you come back again. In a few months' time you will be a different person, and in a year's time you'll be a very different person! Stick with it.

[FinallyHere]

Congratulations and well done on getting away, go easy on yourself now and take it slowly.

Love yourself and your DC, things will go well for you.

[stubbornstains]

I believe you. I believe you. I believe you .

My abusive XP was also a nice as pie- sensitive, thoughtful, loving etc....except when he wasn't. I also get that terrible feeling of feeling almost suffocated by the need to tell people, but always suspecting that they don't believe you. This used to make me seem quite frantic and emotional when I talked about it, so guess what- I seemed a bit unhinged, which wasn't going to make people believe me!

I've been doing two things. One is a piece of writing, detailing what he did and how it made me feel. I think I might let people see it, at some point.

The other was reading "Why does he do that?". I thought I didn't really need it, that I knew it was an abusive relationship so didn't really need to read a book about it, but I didn't expect him to state so clearly how much abusers can be shielded by this conspiracy of silence, and by the unwitting support of otherwise well meaning people. It was a real eye opener to me.

[Wilhamenawonka]

I was a virgin when we got together. He was more experienced.
It's hard to describe but he was so unhelpful in terms of reassuring me, helping me feel comfortable etc that i developed vaginismus. Then of course he was able to punish me by making me think I'd rejected him.
This went on for years.
I arranged couples counselling but the counsellor was more concerned with feeling sorry for him (she actually told him that). So now everything was officially my fault which i never questioned again until last week.

Obviously no sex = no kids.
I had a breakdown.

His support through both things was to give me space i.e. not to do anything at all. It was all up to me.

I finally found a website which helped me cure the vaginismus and have two beautiful but cheeky kids but my feelings around sex are so ducked that I'll have to be alone.
It doesn't sound like sexual abuse and I'm taking a real risk writing this.

I wouldn't blame anyone for not seeing it

[Wilhamenawonka]

When i was a sahm with no1 he lost his job.
He always loses his jobs because he is pa at work because he doesn't like being told what to do.
He was out of work for 2 years and i truly believed he was looking hard for work. He seemed so upset about letting us all down.
It turned out that the whole time yes he'd been applying for jobs but not properly. Once i found out and went nuts he found a decent job within weeks. No coincidence that it was exactly when my savings ran out.

[stubbornstains]

Keep talking xxx

[flippinada]

I believe you Wilhamena (great username btw :) ).

I suffered the same myself and understand what a debilitating effect it has on you. The self questioning and fear you won't be believed its part of the abuse, it's so cruel. Please be kind to yourself.

[Meadows76]

I absolutely belive you xx

[Haffdonga]

I believe you Wihamena

[flippinada]

By the way, that link you put up describes my XP to a tee! You are not alone, you really aren't. I get it and others will too. If it helps, keep talking on here.

[Wilhamenawonka]

So many thousands of tiny, small and huge examples are milling around in my head.

I've spent so many years trying to get him to love me that im totally enmeshed.

Passive aggression is so cruel because it's like poking an animal.
When they eventually snap they are the bad one and get told off. Except i was telling myself off. If only i could be more patient or understanding or supportive then we'd be ok.

I spent many years in therapy trying to fix myself and make myself a better person.

And all the people on the outside saw was me being impatient or a bitch to this lovely gentle helpful man.

[Paulat2112]

I believe you

[Wilhamenawonka]

Obviously I'm horribly co-dependent.

That works for the family at the moment as my children are so young but as they grow I'm going to have to beat it for their sakes.

Thank you all so much. I'm sat here crying (while small stuff giggles at peppa pig ☺) .

Your posts mean so much

[Wilhamenawonka]

flippin how have you recovered.
I don't know how to exist. I'm not a person. How do i find out who i am?
When the kids see him at the weekend i don't go out because everything is a reminder of what I've lost. And i don't know what to do or where to go.

[Potplant]

My story is very similar and I believe you.
I have friends who can't believe I'm not desperate for him to come back.