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How do you get a partner to pull their weight in the house?

(33 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 17-Nov-16 10:49:14

Just that really.

With my exH, he was a lazy fucker who didn't work and did nothing around the house, so I did everything. I felt like a slave. I promised myself that I wouldn't let myself end up in the same situation again.

Except I am basically in the same situation again, except DP is absolutely not a lazy fucker, in fact he works very hard in a manual job, 6 days a week.

This is where I'm struggling because in a way I find it only fair that I do more in the house than he does because he works a lot more hours than me, but at the same time I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with the fact that he does literally nothing. I'm at uni 2 days a week but at the moment I'm working all the hours I can to make extra money and still have uni work to do in the evening and I'm exhausted. I know DP works more hours than me but our commutes are almost exactly the same (if anything mine is slightly longer) and if you add up the hours that I do in uni, work, and home study its probably not that different from what he does except that I don't get paid for all the hours I do.

We don't have and will not be having children so that isn't an issue but I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.

Trouble is, I have no idea how to fairly divide the housework and stuff because, in all honesty, its always been me who has done it all. How do you do it (without breaking up)?

Somerville Thu 17-Nov-16 10:52:50

Well if he wasn't in a relationship he would be doing his own laundry, cleaning and cooking. I'd start by pointing that out. Then I'd stop doing his laundry and cook only for myself.
Most people in this situation have DC and are objecting to their DP not helping with the children's laundry and messiness that affects the whole household. It's much easier to deal with in your situation as you can just stop doing his stuff for him.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 10:56:04

You are not a SAHP so it isn't your responsibility to do even the bulk of housework - you are working yourself. The fair thing to do is to work out how much non-working time each of you has and then split the housework fairly. So if you tend to have 2 hours to yourself in the evening after home study, uni, commute and work are accounted for, and he has one, you should do roughly twice as much as he does around the house. He should reliably do his share. Sit him down for a discussion about this.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 17-Nov-16 11:09:31

Its just frustrating because I think he genuinely believes that by working more hours than me he contributes more to the household, he just doesn't seem to 'count' all my hours of studying and uni as 'work'.

You'd think so somerville but apparently not. We were apart for a few weeks over the summer and the place was in a bit of a state when I came back - the dishes and his washing were done as it was absolutely necessary but the bathroom was gross (as an example). He hardly ate and would live off takeaways or eat at friends/families houses.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 11:18:29

Well you need to be very clear with him that those hours spent studying are work. If you are kind enough to pick up some of the household slack then he should be appreciative and do his share. The fact that his job includes long hours isn't really your problem and you are actually being generous to him when you take it into account. Until you are at the point of kids, joint accounts, mortgage etc., you are two people cohabiting and there is no real reason you should do his share.

ocelot7 Thu 17-Nov-16 11:27:33

Can you do some tasks together when you are both there? eg cooking together is fun & even boring stuff gets done much more quickly smile
He might need some guidance how to do stuff - if he was from a family where women did everything & so never learnt - but try not to be too prescriptive of HOW things are done

You are not alone - the majority of women worldwide from all classes do most of the domestic work (oodles of research on this... ) & its much worse with kids in the mix.
Ideally this stuff needs negotiating before you move in together...

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 17-Nov-16 11:41:11

When we first got together I was living on my own so I was used to doing everything myself but his stuff just gradually got added in until eventually we moved in to our own place together and I just carried on doing it all.

He did tell me that before his parents split that his mum used to do everything in the house, even when she worked full time so I do think it has been ingrained into him that it is a 'woman's job'. I'm sure he knows how, he can definately cook and everything else he is just tired at the end of the day and doesn't want to!

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Nov-16 11:43:46

How do women get into this situation?
It baffles me - it really does.
I have never done my OH washing.
Why would I?
He's a grown adult capable of using a bit of low end technology.
I'm also the one who rarely has dinner (picker) so he has to cook his own dinners.
Make a list of the hours your work and study and commute.
Make a list of all the chores you do
Make a list of all the chores he does (none obviously)
I had to do this with my ExH once I'd been at home a few months as I did do everything, but I was home all day.
He expected it to carry on.
No way. Lists were drawn of what we each would do and it was stuck to.
So sit him down and tell him you both live in the house and that you both have a responsibility for the upkeep and tidiness of it.
Don't fall into this trap again.
If he won't do his share then cut your losses now and find a bloke who is willing to do his share and not behave like a entitled twat who thinks it's the 'wimins' job to do all household tasks.
The 1950's are long behind us now.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 11:49:49

Tell him it's tough! He either helps out (does some of the washing, cooking, cleaning) or moves out.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 17-Nov-16 11:57:21

I get your sentiment trifle but I can't really insist that he moves out if he doesn't pull his weight, he's the lead tenant so its kind of his house.

If anything I would have to be the one to leave! I don't want it to come to that though.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 12:03:17

Interesting. Did you say you moved in together into a separate place? Why are you not on the tenancy?

Either way, he needs to pull his weight.

Somerville Thu 17-Nov-16 12:08:01

There isn't a way tos too someone else being lazy and selfish if they don't want to change.

I think you should leave his laundry for him, stop cooking for him and give him an ultimatum about keeping his stuff tidy, clearing his plates, etc. Two adults should not generate much mess or housework - he must be a complete slob if it's getting so bad that this is arising as an issue.

If you do give an ultimatum you'll have to really mean it though.

AnyFucker Thu 17-Nov-16 12:11:34

Pick a better partner

If you have to teach a grown man how to be a decent partner you are wasting your time. All you will get is resentment and frustration and still be doing a disproportionate amount of the shitwork

Next time, make it clear from the beginning exactly what your expectations are and ship out immediately if they are not fulfilled

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Thu 17-Nov-16 17:58:47

We moved into a separate place together but he moved in slightly before me so he was on the tenancy before me!

I think there isn't THAT much mess but our place is very small so the place looks cluttered and messy very quickly if you see what I mean.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 18:01:02

Get yourself on the tenancy. I wouldn't want to live somewhere where I could be asked at any point to leave. No way.

tocas Thu 17-Nov-16 18:20:23

Point out that you do more ( he may not have realised ) and then point out that you do not find this acceptable and ask him to help. If nothing changes - point it out again. Suggest specific chores for him to do. If he doesn't do this then you have to decide if you want to stay or leave.

AnyFucker Thu 17-Nov-16 19:22:07

He may not have realised ?

Is he stupid ?

43percentburnt Thu 17-Nov-16 19:31:40

If he was single he would have to clean his loo, wash his clothes and feed himself. He doesn't do it (or does it badly) because he is a lazy fucker who thinks its your job, as a woman, to clean his pants. He doesn't see uni as work, bet if the tables were turned he wouldn't be able to do it because he is busy with uni work - hiding his head in a book watching you skivvy around him.

To summarise:he thinks it's acceptable to sit on his bottom and watch the one he loves spend her free time tidying up after him. add children and he will watch the one he apparently loves exhaust herself tidying up after everyone.

Very unattractive.

You say you are not on the tenancy, fab!

tropicalfish Thu 17-Nov-16 19:32:24

In fairness to him, hes probably exhausted doing a manual job. Its just really physically hard to be lugging stuff around and moving and using quite alot of physical strength continuously throughout the day. My work involves this and I am so tired when I get home,every muscle in my back hurts. I can hardly move. He does this 6 days a week. Doing manual labour in a commercial context means you have to work at great speed, it is not like pottering about at your own speed folding the laundry. It really is completely different to working in an office.

43percentburnt Thu 17-Nov-16 19:33:42

Sorry you say you are exhausted. Assuming he is aware of the fact you are exhausted, how can he sit and watch the one he loves be exhausted, cleaning his shit up.

This tells you a lot about him.

43percentburnt Thu 17-Nov-16 19:35:59

Tropical, but if he was single he would have to use the loo brush, bleach and cooker. Or pay someone to do it - which would be acceptable in this situation.

DontMindMe1 Thu 17-Nov-16 20:10:25

Would you do all this for a housemate? Would you have tolerated this for as long as you have?

Then how is it any different just because you're shagging him?

HermioneJeanGranger Thu 17-Nov-16 20:48:18

Having a manual job is a piss-poor reason not to do housework, lol.

OH works in a manual job, he's still capable of cleaning up after himself when he gets gome!

PinkiePiesCupcakes Thu 17-Nov-16 20:53:35

How do you get a partner to pull their weight in the house?

You get a partner that pulls their weight in the house.
Accept ing anything less is a mistake, one that will haunt you.

Joysmum Thu 17-Nov-16 20:55:05

I agree with the others, it's not about how much you work, it's about how much spare time you have. Mind you unlike others commenting, I absolutely would take into consideration intensity of work. My DH would do longer hours out of the house but 3 hours of that could be dozing on the train. On other days it could be very stressful or very manually intensive. I'd know by the sound of his voice when he rang to say he was on his way home how his day had gone, likewise he would read my voice too.

Just to add, when I had be a SAHM and changed to being a WAHM It took a while for us both to adjust to the change

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