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Aw shit now what?

(2 Posts)
Squirrelsmum Thu 17-Nov-16 10:34:36

Long drawn out saga coming right up.
DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 5. It's been a hard period of time., but throughout it he has always given me butterflies, I have spent the last 10 years sure I was going to grow old with him.
The last 12 months have been particularly hard, he has a short fuse and tends to shout and break things. If I were anyone else I'd tell them to leave in a heartbeat. But I love him and I've been able to hold my own against him. I know for all his shortcomings he does love me in his own way.
We each have 3 children from previous relationships, 5 of them are adults and doing their own thing and my youngest lives with her father. She only moved down 6 months ago and I think this is what has brought me to this point. I don't want to be with DH anymore. There have been a few issues that I've decided I don't want to deal with. I'm sad about it because I do love him. We are the model couple, attentive to each other, great sex, nice house etc etc.
Why I'm still here; Im mid 40s with a chronic health condition that will get worse, I'm doing my best to slow progression but I'm more than likely going to end up with limited mobility, I am currently financially secure, we both earn reasonable wages and we have a decent nest egg for retirement. I am paying a loan off for the next 3 years which takes 1/3 of my wage, I've lived hand to mouth before and it's horrible and moving out now will put me back there again. Which means my health treatments stop, my volunteer work stops and I spend my time stressing about paying the power bill. The house is vacant now and I have first dibs on renting it but they need to know very soon, or I have a friend looking for a flat mate which is affordable but it means leaving my dogs behind, two are elderly and one has a few issues and I couldn't just give them away to anyone. I wouldn't be able to leave them with him because once he's over the fit he is definitely going to throw when I leave he will up and move to his hometown.
So what do I do? Stay and deal with it for another few years while I get my ducks in a row, live on charity but be my own person again or find someone I hope is good to my animals and take what I can carry and leave? I won't have anything left to go back for as he will destroy it.
Asset wise if I can tough it out I will get enough out of settlement for a small cottage in a place I like. If I leave now I will take what I can carry and later spend my settlement on solicitors fighting for a fair split.
Now the plot thickens, 6 months ago a new guy started at work, I think falling for him made me realise that something was seriously up with my marriage. I haven't looked at another man in 10 years so why was I suddenly smitten with this man. To his credit after we discussed how we both felt he got a transfer with work and we stopped communicating. He comes back tomorrow and I thought I was over him but then when he made a quip about not speaking for over a month to talking twice in one day I got upset and realised I'm not over him. It was a work related call and I know he was trying to make light, probably testing the waters to see if it was safe to come back. DH knows we had been talking before OM went away and I came home one night after a drink with the girls to find my stuff on the lawn because he thought I'd met up with OM, I should have stayed gone because now me leaving (as opposed to him throwing me out) is going to be so much harder.
I really don't know what to do.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 17-Nov-16 13:40:49

Well your DP sounds awful.
I can't possibly suggest you stay in abusive and violent household.
You need to get out as soon as you can.
Take what ever is yours and leave him to smash up his own belongings.
I understand why you are reluctant but just yourself a massive favour and get away from him.

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