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Blown up life - cheers OW(83 Posts)
I've been trying to deal with this but am struggling, I just really need some help and support. I feel like I am at the bottom of a deep dark hole.
I've been together with my DP for 10 years, we've had a normal happy relationship with some difficult (but I would class as very normal times) dealing with the stresses of young children and financial pressures. We've been through lots together and share a lot of interests. I thought we were happy, in a stable relationship building our family life together.
This summer my DP started to act strange - he had hidden debt from me. This triggered huge arguments as I was at home looking after the kids (nearly 2 and 4) and it meant me going back to work before planned. I had wanted to stay home with the kids until the youngest was 3 and I had given up my well paid job, moved out of the city and we'd taken on a cheaper mortgage in a countryside location to do so.
The arguments this debt triggered seemed incredibly intense and he had little remorse this time (he's hidden debt before, in fact he has been awful with money the whole time we've been together). He then told me he didn't love me and I had changed since having the kids, I had put too much of my focus on them and had neglected our relationship by becoming isolated and not developing myself. This was a massive shock to me as I thought he loved me. I asked him if there was someone else and he denied it.
At this point I told him I would do whatever it took to get him to be happy with me again - I said I'd get back to work, earn my big salary again, put kids in childcare, focus on him and get our relationship strong again. I want my kids to have an intact family and I thought we could be happy so this is why I wanted to make these changes to myself. Putting my kids in childcare was a big compromise for me.
For the next month I tried this plan, he met my efforts with cold angry disdain though, it was emotional torture. He was distant and avoided all physical contact with me. One night he broke down saying he couldn't go on, there was another woman, a work colleague - they'd fallen in love and with that he left.
A week later he returned. During the week he was gone I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown, on tranquilizers and unable to eat or sleep. He told me on his return that him and the OW couldn't bear to break two families as she is also married with a small child. He said it was over with her so I took him back and I vowed to make it work for me, him and the kids.
The following month I did everything possible to make it work- we got our sex life back and I didn't argue, complain or mention his affair. I was supportive and forgiving, fun, sexy and optimistic. He however did not seem happy, he drank lots, was moody and abusive, the sex bordered on abusive too. He complained about the kids, family life, the house - basically everything. He was dark and scary. Finally after 6 weeks of this emotional torture he said he couldn't pretend he loved me anymore and that he wanted her. He left again, this time for good.
I was plunged back into despair, I couldn't eat or sleep. I was back on the tranquilizers and desperate for help. He was cold and angry to me. I was (and am) looking after the kids full time and keeping everything from them so as not to hurt them. In an attempt to keep sane and get some support I went with the kids to my Mums while he stayed in the house.
So this takes us to now - we are in constant contact because of the kids and I allow him as much contact as he wants. I am cordial, nice and collaborative with him. I am trying my best to keep the kids happy. I am very nice to him, when he is around, I encourage the kids relationship with him. I have not bad talked him or told the truth about why Daddy is leaving Mummy.
Because of the location of our house I cannot live there - it's too far from where I would be working and too remote for a single Mum. So I am forced out of my home too. I loved my home. Currently I live with my little kids in my elderly Mothers house, have been here for 2 months living out of a suitcase.
I don't have a job yet as my field is specialist and dependent on location and I'm incredibly busy just caring for a 2 and 4 year old alone.
So now I have no income, he takes the benefits I receive to pay for the house. The debts are out of control too so our house must be sold.
I live on no money, just the money from my Mothers pension for food. He gives us nothing as all his salary is going to debt.
I have found the pictures of him and her on our shared computer, I've seen her crotch picture next to the pictures of our kids. I've seen the screenshots of things he wants to buy for their home.
He has started to say that our relationship was dead and seems to be moving way past his guilt or remorse. He blames me. I have started to blame myself as well now for not having sex with him enough when the kids came along. It's like he has reimagined the split to be mutual although I have told him many times it's not and asked him to come back to me. I think because I am so nice to him and facilitate his relationship to the kids that in some way I am happy with this and that it's just a mutual split by two grown-ups.
I am consumed by hurt and pain but I hide it, I want her (OW) to see the absolute trauma they are putting me and the kids through.
Can anyone help me. Can you give me some perspective or hope or anything really.
I have my kids but everything else I had in my life is gone. I am obsessed with how much better than me she must be for a devoted father like my exDP to hurt his kids and essentially evict them from their happy family home. She must be amazing. I in comparison seem worthless.
It's really hard to cope with. I think the term is clusterfuck
excuse username - I'm a real person who uses MN
Stop giving him money for a start. Get the house sold and make a clean break. He is abusing you horribly.
She is not amazing, she is married and with your ex has broken up two families and left three children without both parents.
You need to sort out the money though, see Citizen's Advice.
Well he sounds like a real shit.
Why are you blaming yourself?
This is how I read what you've just said. He's thrown his toys out of the pram because he's jealous of the attention you give to HIS children - huge red flag right there - fucking selfish.
You've bent over backwards to make it work, including earning a fair whack of the money cos he spends it all.
He & OW have between them wrecked 2 families, leaving you in the wreckage.
Seriously she is welcome to him.
You need to take back control, why do you have no income? He has to pay maintenance and those benefits are for your children so do not allow him to take the money. Have you spoken to a solicitor? You will be entitled to a share of the proceeds of the sale of the house. As hard as it is to accept, the OW is really really insignificant in all this. Your husband did this, no one else, not you, not OW, just him.
Be angry at your husband the OW owes you nothing
God your poor thing, he has really put you through hell. What an absolute twatbadger he is!
Time to stop, OP. Have you consulted a solicitor? Stop giving him your benefits as of now. Find out your legal position and act accordingly.
Is your mum supportive, I mean emotionally? Do you have RL friends who know the situation who you can have a good rant and a cry with?
Separate all finances immediately.
Get all your paperwork and documents together. Passports, birth and marriage certificates, mortgage details, savings, bank accounts, insurance (inc life insurance), bills, car (log books, MOT, insurance) and any and all incriminating evidence you can find of the affair.
Get to the Citizens advice bureau or to a good solicitor.
Take as much advice as you possibly can from this thread/board- sadly so many other fabulous ladies have been through the same thing and their advice is so, so valuable.
You can do this. Stay strong, stay focussed. Find your anger, stop being nice to the cuntbadger
Shouldn't your title be - blown up life cheers dh?
She is unimportant, insignificant - he was your partner, who should have loved and supported you - put the blame where it lies, with him
Get angry with the twat, don't ask him to come back, who the hell does he think he is?
Get maintenance sorted out, and the house sold and see what you're entitled to
thanks for replies -
We are selling house now, and I'm trying to seperate financially, however I feel responsible for the house until it's sold so I am "sort of" allowing him to use my benefits as if the house is repossessed before sale then I'll lose everything.
I know it's stupid but OW does loom large in my head although I do not hold her more responsible than him. I just want her to see the fucking carnage in her wake but have no idea how to do any this.
Thanks again- keep posting, it's like being pulled up from drowning
I don't blame her more than him - title is misleading but to be honest I've had trouble posting with a decent UN so was caught off guard with a less than suitable title
It's like he has reimagined the split to be mutual although I have told him many times it's not and asked him to come back to me.
Stop that for a start. It's easier for him to feel that it was mutual but it doesn't mean he regrets his decision. He doesn't. He just painting himself in a better light.
Stop asking him to come back, stop giving him free reign over your home, stop giving him money. If you stop being a choice for him, a back up option, you'll start to feel better. Sitting back and being an option for him will be immensely painful.
He's a bastard and she's irrelevant. If it wasn't her, he'd have found someone else. You don't need him. You'll be okay.
I am furious beyond belief with the twat but when I see my little 4 year old boy confused and upset because he loves Daddy I just hide my anger
In their heads, they'll justify this. Even if you could show her absolute carnage, complete destruction, even if you could make her feel the crippling pain; she'd still believe it was worth it and not really her fault because they were star crossed lovers. That they couldn't help it.
You can't hold a mirror to a monster. Neither of them will ever see this as something horrid they did. They may fleetingly feel bad at times. Otherwise they'll justify it to themselves.
You are not worthless and there is NOTHING that you can do to change, or nothing you could have done to cause this in your husband.
He has chosen this. At the moment the OW is everything he (thinks he) wants.
It's new, it's exciting, it might last, it might not!
He may or may not in time realise he's made a huge mistake, but you can't do anything to force the issue.
Do what is best for YOU! And your children. That is in your control. He isn't.
I have been in your position, I'm lucky enough to be in the house still, but I had the whole 'I love you but I need space' and it transpired that the 'space' was another woman, I did everything, got Botox (she's 18 years younger than me) and I felt utterly bereft, I just felt I couldn't compete with somebody that young, she must be better than me etc etc.
What has helped me (you may not agree with meds) but anti-depressants, they've made me see things clearer, stopped the negativity. I still love my husband, but I'm starting to get on with my life. I'm a good person, it's so his loss! And the same with your husband- just keep thinking that. And why the hell is he in your house, if you have the children? X
If he doesn't care about the utter carnage he has caused, entirely through his own actions, selfishness and cowardice, why would she? You're hoping she would, because it would mean someone felt some remorse. But it entirely lets him off the hook.
He's been shit with money throughout the whole relationship. When he left you you utterly abased yourself to try and get him back. When he came back he treated you like utter shit - and you didn't tell him to sod off. Now he's left again he's taking your money and all the shreds of your self-esteem - and I bet you'd still have the fucker back if he said he'd changed his mind.
Time to 'do a Brexit' and take back control. You're not responsible for that house, you're responsible for feeding your children without having to use your mother's pension to do it. You don't need to be nice to him - indifferent politeness is adequate in order to make arrangements for him to see his children.
This has nothing to do with her being so amazing that a 'devoted father' like your ex could want to be with her more than his kids. He's just another selfish wanker. Kick him off his pedastal - he has absolutely no right to be there.
I am so, so sorry. I am going through similar, though genuinely unsure if DP is going through a serious episode of depression or if there is an OW (some indications but nothing concrete, more likely to be EA rather than physical, and I think we separated before her feelings were reciprocated).
I don't have great advice re finances as our situation seems quite different, but I hopes others come and help.
In the meantime, I found it very helpful to do concrete things that will help no matter what the outcome, rather than do nothing. Some suggestions:
See some lawyers for the free sessions, you get there first so they can't be used by him. With the OW shit may well turn ugly re custody and money.
CAB for advice. I haven't used this but it is regularly recommended.
Brush up your cv, reconnect with your old colleagues and try to network/catch up. You will probably need a job soon one way or the other. Take the kids if you have to, or can someone take them for an hour or two?
Get exercise. The endorphins really help. Run, yoga, punchbag, anything,
read up on this. don't blame yourself, your story sounds like thousands I've read on this forum, and you are being told a bunch of bull so that he can feel better about himself. You know what happened in your relationship, you know that you were happy (he wouldnt have had two kids with you and stayed 10 years otherwise), and his lies doesn't change this.
I really recommend the Runaway husbands book. You are not alone. This is such a typical story (which I've never known until it happened to me) that there are books about this. Take comfort that many wives have gone through this, and come out the other side stronger, braver, and happy in a way that was not planned but happy nevertheless.
Consider going no contact with him, and you dictate when and how he sees the kids. Take control. Don't let the bastard have his cake and eat it. If he chooses to leave, he Is not allowed to take all the bits he wants out of the relationship with his old family. He is NOT your friend. He does NOT have your best interest at heart, else he wouldn't do this crap.
You can't eliminate the hope, but remember the hope is not the solution, and using it as a way to get through this will only mire you down. Concentrate on your wellbeing, your future, and the happiness of your kids. Not for him, the cheating bastard, but for you.
Lean on friends and family, this is when you know who truly loves you and are there for you. And there will be support from the least likely places, and you will thank the kindness of people.
Get angry. Get crying. But not in front of him or the OW. Their punishment will be forever the doubt from not knowing how the hell you are. Let there imaginations go wild with thoughts of you being strong and happy, or the guilt from thinking you are traumatised and depressed. And if they don't care, then they don't deserve to know how you are feeling.
Love your kids. It will remind you of the good things in this world, and that you are not worthless, or bitter, or unloved.
So he was dark and scary with you? What an abusive twat. No he's not a good dad at all. You and the kids should be at the house instead of it being a waiting area for his new life to begin.
He's a fucking idiot who likes women who do crotch shots. Sigh. Mid life crisis. Fool.
So now you know the real him. You are best rid.
See a SHL as soon as possible and stop being nice be civil no more no less.
You will be ok if you start to take some control back.
How are either of those two selfish lying twats in any way better than you?! One day you'll see this as a lucky escape. Your ex really doesn't deserve the gift of a lovely wife and children.
Yes. Kick him off that pedestal. He's a feckless bastard.
He's a fucking selfish idiot. You're being way too nice op and it's time to change. Sell the house and get your maintenance from him.
What kind of tosser blames his wife for spending too much time and attention on 2 preschoolers?? I take it he didn't try and take up enough of the parenting slack /housework etc to allow you to spend more time with him??
Honestly op, ignore what he says because he's full of shit. This is all him. Oh, and once reality hits with his new woman and they have the day to day crap to deal with, let's see how long that relationship lasts.
Yeah, stop being nice to him and begging him to come back. The kids won't be fooled anyway, they will pick up on your stress day to day, so you aren't doing them any favours by pretending to be his best friend. Also, stop giving him your benefit money.
Speak to a solicitor, as others have suggested. Is the debt in joint names or his sole name? Is it secured against the house? If it is a mortgage, speak to the bank. If you are actively marketing the house, they will often hold of repossession proceedings. However, you need to put yourself and your children first. If this debt is in his name (and is not secured against the house), you should tell him to go fuck himself as it's his problem legally, not yours. In fact I HOPE it's in his sole name and is unsecured (because otherwise he would surely have had to forge your signature, right?).
Also, you did nothing wrong. You just happened to fall for a gigantic twat who was good at hiding his utter twattishness for a long time, but has now had the opportunity to expose it in all its glory. Lots of people fall for twats, so that is nothing to be ashamed of. Don't waste any thoughts on the OW- sounds like they are made for one another.
OP, my heart goes out to you. Please be kind and gentle to yourself. You have been and still are being horribly abused by ex-DP. It is heroic that you are trying to protect your DC. And you need to extend that care and compassion to yourself too.
Practically, I suggest you hire a solicitor ASAP if not already done. A PP also mentioned the Citizen Advice Bureau. Please keep a record of how much money you have handed over since the split and start documenting what has happened in the past with money and infidelity and continue to do so. You will need this possibly to untangle yourself as cleanly as possible from this situation.
You are not alone. The MN community is here to support you. You are not worthless; you are the very courageous mum of your LOs.
Oh you poor thing. Have a very large unmumsnetty hug.
7 years ago I was in a very similar position (main difference being house was rented and in my name so he moved out and I stayed).
I promise you that things can and will get so much better then you can possibly imagine right now. I never ever thought I'd be as happy as I am. Never thought life could be this good.
Stop giving him money. You need that for the dc. (I used to give my ex money too as he claimed he needed it. Big mistake).
Continue to not bad mouth him to the dc. No matter how much you want to. They won't thank you for it.
Be kind to yourself.
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