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Fuck the fuck off. When does the anger subside?

(54 Posts)
Hoppityfuckingvoosh Wed 16-Nov-16 21:15:20

H and I separated about 6 weeks ago. I say separated-he's moved out and we're currently in counselling to try and "fix" things. Long story short is that he no longer loves me but wants to. He's been detached for the last year and a half and I'm sick of carrying everything and searching for scraps of acknowledgement that he cares.

Counselling is just an infinity loop of shit. Ive explained myself til I'm blue in the face and in tears, but it does no good. I don't want much: I want to know that he gives a shit. I want basic intimacy. I want him to be engaged in our lives and show-through actions and words-that I'm important to him.

According to everything he says, I am important. I do matter. Why then has he not even checked that I'm ok following surgery on Monday? Not a single fucking text. Nothing. He's been in contact with DS and could have easily asked a simple "how are you?" But he clearly cannot be arsed.

I'm so angry and hurt. why am I spending all this money on counselling when he's lying? He has no intention of putting the effort in, does he? I'm wasting my time and setting myself up for constant disappointment.

When does this feeling of anger go? I hate how he makes me feel. I hate him for making our life together seem like a ridiculous waste of time. I know exactly what he's doing: he's going through the motions so he can tell himself he tried and not take responsibility for his part in the decline of the relationship.

Can someone talk me down please

ohdearme1958 Wed 16-Nov-16 22:15:31

OP, let him go. Take back control and let him go. You seem really clued up in his antics so to hell with him going through the motions. It's time for you to start calling the shots.

And I'm sorry your surgery went unnoticed. I had a similar situation and I know what it does to the soul. I hope you feel better soon.

BillericayDuckie Wed 16-Nov-16 22:19:47

Heart goes out to you Hoppity.

I've just parted from my DP. Most of our relationship has been a gradual checking out on his part. Full of promises of "it will be better when ... happens" etc and I was still definitely a part of his future. Ticking over like this for months and months with me making every effort to make things better. Then he unceremoniously dumped me all of a sudden. Feels like most of our relationship was a lie.

I moved out a month ago (it took a while to get my new place sorted). The anger has started to subside, but still regularly bubbles to he surface. My best advice is to let it out, as it is all part of the process and it will get better with time flowers

Pisssssedofff Wed 16-Nov-16 22:22:30

Counselling is bollocks if you ask me in these situations, mediation maybe but he just doesn't want to and no counselling in the world is going to make him care.
Save your money and buy wine

Bluntness100 Wed 16-Nov-16 22:27:57

I'm so sorry, but if he no longer loves uou and I know this is hard, then I think uou know why he didn't contact after the surgery and why your requests for intimacy , engagement and to show you're important to him aren't being met.

I think uou need to disengage. He may reengage at that point if you back off, but pushing him to give what he doesn't have won't work. You can't force someone to love you, but it doesn't mean he didn't once or that all you had before was a waste of time , sometimes people just fall out of love. You have a child together, that validates it as hugely valuable.

He possibly went to councilling, not as a lie, but to try, but if it's not there, it's not there.

I think uou need to move on, I'm sorry, and try to let go of your anger.maybe it's time to grieve.

PenguinsandPebbles Wed 16-Nov-16 22:31:14

He really doesn't have any intention on making changes, and I know this sounds really really harsh but reality is he more than likely doesn't give that much of a shit on things not affecting him, I'm just so sorry it hurts you (I know how much it hurts) but soon as you realise it's not going to change the sooner you can get on with your life!

stop wasting money on couple counselling get some for yourself and put the time and effort into yourself, I.e someone who deserves it smile

I went through the "it will get better" for years, such a waste of my time! Only look back I can see that I was constantly accepting more shit all in the interests of making it better! Get rid Your be so much happier and that is good for you and your son

Good luck!! flowers it will get better

RandomMess Wed 16-Nov-16 22:40:02

All I can think is that he wants you to be the bad guy in this.

When I told H I was leaving due to his lack of caring/engagement/intimacy it took him a week to have an epiphany. He went and got counselling for him, it's been bl**dy hard but he has changed for the better.

TheNaze73 Wed 16-Nov-16 23:53:39

He's been pretty honest there OP.
Move on

pringlecat Thu 17-Nov-16 00:29:53

As long as you feel angry, you feel something for him. Does he deserve your emotion? No. So you try not to be angry. You try, and it takes bloody ages, but you get there eventually. Keep telling yourself you're winning if you don't give a shit. Eventually you'll condition yourself not to care.

It's hard - space helps, but with a DS, you can't cut him out completely forever. But scale back the contact to the bare minimum required to co-parent.

You know you can do better than this. You know it's terribly unfair that you have to try to rebuild your life. But you know you can do better and that he doesn't deserve your anger. And eventually that knowledge will turn into genuine apathy towards him.

Be kind to yourself. You will have plenty of dark days and screw ups, but you will come out the other side.

Finola1step Thu 17-Nov-16 00:37:36

What a shit situation Hoppity. flowers

But FWIW, you have just shown something really positive. You've had that all important moment of clarity. When the shit has fallen from your eyes and you see the truth.

Hold on to it. You're right. He wants out but hasn't got the guts to be the "bad guy". This is your turning point where you take control of the direction you want this to go.

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Thu 17-Nov-16 08:31:16

I nicely confronted him about it (in the spirit of counselling) and his response was to say that he did want to text but our conversations are currently so upsetting and frustrating, he didn't want to upset me more.

Not having that. I responsed that I didn't think he intended to text/discuss as he had plenty of opportunities when speaking to DS. I told him it was selfish and cruel and that i'd never do that to him.

What do I get in response?? I get "you can't argue a feeling. I'm frustrated that I can't be better for you"

so appRently I'm asking for the moon and not basic kindness. I'm right that he's trying to twist it to make it seem like I'm being unreasonable?

Gildedcage Thu 17-Nov-16 09:14:37

I totally hear all the pain at being told you aren't loved. I have heard them. I didn't go to couples counselling to see if we could get it back. I went to individual counselling to see why I was being so accepting of that shit.

I don't know what's going on with him. But what's going on with you? Why do you want to stay with someone who thinks nothing of you?

I promise I am not saying that to be unkind. Rather, as someone else has said up thread, you can't make someone love you. But you can love yourself.

He doesn't get to control your feelings, or your mental health. Believe me this shit will fuck your mind up if you let it. Make some choices for you. He wants you to be the bad guy...I'd call his bluff and tell him it's done.

Costacoffeeplease Thu 17-Nov-16 09:30:21

What's the point of this, do you want to drag and force him back? Just let him go if he can't act like a decent human being, and provide even the very basics of a relationship

Penfold007 Thu 17-Nov-16 09:31:29

Disengage from his idiotic behaviour, don't waste your energy on and and don't waste your money on counselling. Use your time and funds to take control and get legal advice. Good luck. Hope you are recovering well.

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 09:34:20

Nah. I understand the urge to want to save a marriage, but frankly it is beneath my dignity to chase round after someone who doesn't love me but 'wants to', or to try to get him to love me through counselling. The proof is in the pudding: if he acts with love, there is hope for the future of the relationship. He is acting like a disengaged twat - let him go.

PenguinsandPebbles Thu 17-Nov-16 09:42:41

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore.

He is right you can't argue a feeling. He feels how he feels and you can't change that.

I think he is trying to do what you want by doing the counselling to prove to himself (not to you) that he isn't an arsehole so he can say he "tried" I did the counselling i tried to change my feelings, I tried to bring back how I used to feel it didn't come back he in his mind has however "tried" I'm sure he did love you, maybe he feels guilty about how his feelings have changed, maybe it would be so much easier not to feel like he does but at the end of the day his feelings have changed.

Time to move on, invest in you not in you&him - it's over.

the couples therapy is only going to help him be clearer he wants to leave, and make you feel more hurt and let down by someone you love. Why out yourself through that when you can be healing?

Bluntness100 Thu 17-Nov-16 09:54:21

Demanding, crying, repeating yourself, none of it is going to make him love you again, in fact it's possibly pushing him further away, alienating him.

We have heard lots of what you want and need, but what are his wants and needs? There is clearly something he wants and needs and isn't getting from the relationship. We all have wants and needs.

If uou can't force yourself to disengage, maybe you need to change tack, understand what has went wrong for him, why he feels the way he does, and what if anything can you do to help him engage in the relationship again. Maybe turn the councilling sessions away from what you want and need and try to spend the time understanding his Wants, needs and what the cause of his disengagement is.

Olympiathequeen Thu 17-Nov-16 10:13:07

He doesn't love you any more and he feels angry with you for demanding he feels something he doesn't. It doesn't matter who did or didn't do the wrong thing in the marriage it's over. Only when you accept that and stop being angry with him for not feeling as you want him to can you let it go.

It's hard, I know from experience. What helped me was the phrase 'fake it til you make it'. Disengage. Look for a future without him. Make financial plans. Make other plans. Don't engage him in conversation. Ignore him. Cancel the waste of time counselling or go alone to talk through your own future and feelings.

ravenmum Thu 17-Nov-16 10:27:11

I'm right that he's trying to twist it to make it seem like I'm being unreasonable?
Looks that way to me.

I'm with Olympiathequeen on this one. You know who you blame for the crap, he can blame who he likes as long as you have nothing to do with him. Disengage as best you can.

I'd guess you are not going to find out what the cause of his disengagement is, as he does not want you to know. Otherwise he would have made it clear.

He probably does really "want" to have a good relationship with you. Like I really "want" to do more sports and be more sociable, if only I didn't hate sports and wasn't an introvert who likes being alone a lot.

ChaChaChaCh4nges Thu 17-Nov-16 11:06:14

I fell out of love with my STBXH. I can explain why if it's helpful, although i suspect the reasons are irrelevant here. Sufficient to say that STBXH stopped meeting my need quite early on in our relationship but it took me a long time to understand exactly how fatal that was for our relationship.

We did counselling, at my request. I was open about the fact that I wanted to make sure I'd tried everything before I threw in the towel. I was also open about the fact that I, like your H, would have liked to start loving him again if possible. We have young DCs, and I've hated the (hopefully short term) impact that our separation has had on them.

What I discovered was that once the love has gone then there's nothing that will bring it back. It didn't help that in our case STBXH didn't accept his responsibility for failures in the relationship, and some revelations about incredibly bad behaviour on his part came out through the counselling sessions.

STBXH is still furious with me. But there was literally nothing more I could do. I'm glad we've split. It's for the best. And, like your H, I've stopped engaging with his anger because there's nothing more to say to him. I don't love him any more. I'm sorry, but that's it.

Pisssssedofff Thu 17-Nov-16 11:14:32

You know what, my dad still "blames" my mum 35 years after they split, which one of them do you think gives a fuck? She certainly has had the better life that's for sure. Take the blame - who cares what he says- honestly it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Thu 17-Nov-16 12:14:22

The thing is - and I know how stupid this sounds - I know we could be great.

Getting on has never been a problem. We have a great friendship and have DS. I want it to work so badly for his sake. I keep looking at him and willing the man I fell in love with to reappear. I miss him so much.

But then I'm confronted by what he is now - detached and unwilling to make the smallest steps to make things better. I miss the memory of him (and us) so much.

In counselling we have focused a lot on his needs/wants. It boils down to him wanting to love me but feeling as though he's not needed by me, or that I'm not fun anymore/we don't have fun, or that I'm controlling too much of our life together.

Things get done because I do them. I'm not saying he wouldn't do them, but there would be a flipping long wait (DS is still waiting on shoes promised 3 months ago)

I'm probably not fun. I have a FT job, university and a child. I'm holding everything together and I'm tired.

I've been emotionally on my own for a really long time. No, I don't need him - I've cultivated my own life and friendships because I wasn't getting anything from him.

I know it's over. I just don't want to accept it.

Pisssssedofff Thu 17-Nov-16 12:27:28

Hoppityfuckingvoosh - but he doesn't want to be honey and I know it's hard, I really really do but it takes two to tango

Trifleorbust Thu 17-Nov-16 12:29:38

What he means by he wants you to be 'more fun' is that he wants you to stop having expectations of him as a husband a father. You're a nag, is the subtext. Unfortunately he doesn't get to make his love contingent on you giving him whatever he wants. If he doesn't love you in the life you have rather than the life he would like to have, there is nothing to fight for.

ravenmum Thu 17-Nov-16 13:44:18

How long have you been emotionally alone - for the last year and a half (since he started disengaging particularly) or longer?
Why don't you want to accept it's over? Because you enjoy being with him, because you used to enjoy it, because you don't want him to end it, because you feel like the relationship ending proves that his accusations are right and you are a Bad Person?

I take it that there are no other signs of him having a new love interest?

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