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Split from husband but worried I've made a must

(18 Posts)
Libertybazar Wed 16-Nov-16 16:53:35

I posted this in another forum but have received no advice. I really don't know what to do.

H moved out last weekend.
I initiated the separation as I felt I no longer loved him, we have very different long term goals and interests and our romantic relationship wasn't good. Basically we are best friends who got married, which sounds ideal, but there was just no love there on my part.
I had thought about it carefully for about a year and was SURE this was what I wanted, and that we would both be better off long term. I broached the subject with him at the end of April, but he baically put his fingers in his ears and everything stayed the same.
Anyway, it was killing me lying to him all the time, so I told him I could no longer carry on about 2 weeks ago.
He was very sad that I asked for a separation, but said he was glad I'd done it now rather than waiting 10 years and wasting our lives. We had a REALLY intense and emotional weekend which basically involved us crying, cuddling and talking all weekend. We decided he would move out. It was so hard. He kept asking if I was sure I wanted him to go, and so many times I wanted to say no and put everything back to how it was , but just couldn't as I felt it would be lying.
We seem to still be good friends, but I'm trying not to push it as I think it's too much to ask from him at the moment.

Anyway, I spent my first weekend alone (without kids too) and I just have periods of utter dread thinking 'what have I done'. Is this normal? I bring myself back down to earth by remembering all of the bad things, but I'm just so confused and can't help wondering if I've made a mistake. But then I think, actually, there is a distinct possibility that if we did get back together that I might regret that too.
Oh help, I'm so confused.

Any advice would be so welcome.

Since posting this, I've really started to think I've made a mistake. I don't know what to do and I don't want to cause dh any more upset. I really don't deserve his sympathy or love. Im feeling so lost.

Libertybazar Wed 16-Nov-16 16:55:09

That was clearly meant to say 'mistake'.... doh

Shayelle Wed 16-Nov-16 17:13:57

Ive been where you are fairly recently. It is natural to have massive pangs of fear and panic and regret. What you need to do is create some experiences which you wouldnt have had being with him, fun times with your girl friends, a fun night away somewhere? You want more than what you have left behind, there no point living your life in regret flowers believe me it doesget easieras time goes on.

Shayelle Wed 16-Nov-16 17:15:24

i also was really really confused and even posted on here seeking advice and support. Things are clearer now and they will be for you too

Libertybazar Wed 16-Nov-16 18:39:31

Thank you, that's good to hear. Glad things are better for you.

I just don't know how I can have gone from thinks ng this is definitely what I want to being so Confused in a week!

rememberthetime Wed 16-Nov-16 19:10:25

I am also in a similar place and remembering the harder times is what makes it easier. Somehow the good times seem to be the ones that stand out and so you reminisce and feel like you threw something away. but you didn't - you walked away from something that you knew was bad. In time a new relationship will start and you will have a friendship with him that is based on your history - but the bad bits won't be there.

This is better than a sad marriage - it will be a good and loyal friendship that will always be special. That is so much better than a marriage with no love.

FuckingHellz Wed 16-Nov-16 19:18:29

Hi OP I'm in the same situation as you but not as far on. We are getting the house valued this weekend.

We are like friends, not a romantic couple. He would love physical intimacy however I need more of an emotional, deep, conversation connection with him to be able to give him when he needs. So neither of us get our needs met.

It's really shit! I'm very unhappy. I often think would I be doing the right thing splitting up.

I'm sure you'll be ok. I think everything happens for a reason and as pp said, we tend to remember and miss the good times, not the bad.

Have you got good support around you? I think that would be really important.


savouryandsweet Wed 16-Nov-16 19:25:58

I'm also in the same position. I've just ended my marriage after 11 years together. I swing between feeling confident that my decision was the right one and worrying that I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm not sure I have any useful advice as I'very not found a solution yet but you're not alone flowers

Greenandmighty Wed 16-Nov-16 22:38:52

Really interesting to hear this. I keep swinging backwards and forwards. Similar situation:. Dh a good, decent person, we have good financial security. He works ft, I work pt. I value him and appreciate so much about him but just dint feel a great connection and sex life dead. It just feels so lonely and kids now 17 and 20 and I dread us being alone together. But then I think how will I cope alone? It feels scary but I'm not happy emotionally and think of bejng with someone with same interests. Can't talk to anyone in RL about it. It's exhausting because it's always on my mind. Op, sounds like you did right thing and it's probably natural that you'll feel wobbly right now but it will no doubt get easier as each day goes by. U guess a certain grieving has to take place.

Ohyesiam Wed 16-Nov-16 23:20:01

It sounds like you had good reasons to n want to end the relationship. Don't let fear be your guide, it will make you go round in circles.

Try to shift your focus when fear grips, you could do the mindfulness thing of focusing on your chest/ belly riding and falling as you breathe ( really works with me) or imagine that when the ' book of your life' of read, this part with just be a little but in a chapter some where in the middle.

It really sounds like you have made the right move for you. They say you never find magic in your comfort zone.

Lostandlonely1979 Thu 17-Nov-16 10:29:31

OP you are where I will likely find myself in a few months time. I am terrified of feeling the way you do, but I anticipate it happening nonetheless.

Your reasons for parting are literally identical to ours. I am doing this now because I don't want to do it when the kids are teens (they are 6 and 4 now) and I will end up doing it at some point anyway. I know myself, I can't live like this. I'd rather be alone forever than pretend forever.

It is so raw for you. It's only been a week. Give yourself time and make a list of all the reasons you are doing this. Then make a list of all the things you're worried might happen if you don't.

And please talk to us about how you are feeling today flowers

FuckingHellz Thu 17-Nov-16 11:14:11

Wow so many of us in this situation sad

I adore my daughter and feel so guilty for feeling this way, but dp and I were ok pre kids. They put a lot of stress on a relationship.

Dadaist Thu 17-Nov-16 17:13:36

OP - are you saying you don't love each other? Only you say you 'don't deserve his love' which actually sounds more like you think you deserve better. So although there is nothing actually wrong in your marriage in how you treat one another or communicate - other than you have lost the spark?
For what it's worth - knowing that someone will be there for you while you decide is going to kill any spark of passion. I think you've stopped seeing your DH as a person, with choices and agency, because he's always just been there for you to mildly resent. Now you are discovering that things are going to be very different for your family, for ever. Once your DH is no longer attached to you - you are forced to look at him differently. And then it becomes painful to think that he might deserve better when for so long you are the one that was feeling short changed.
So I think you need to understand exactly why you have fallen into the 'friend zone' in your marriage? How will you feel when he finds someone else and starts a new family? When it's his turn to have the children for Christmas next year? When you've found that sparks often fly for the people you shouldn't be with (yeh it's just a thing that!).
Honestly? My advice would be to take this separation slowly, to explore what it means for both of you to be free agents again, and whether the feeling of being trapped is more important than the person you are trapped with? Some might say it's prolonging the agony - but I think there could be some agonising to come if you do decide to split. This is the easy bit, keeping things positive and friendly, not burning bridges, staying can all change quite quickly when there is really no going back - when another man or woman appears on the scene, when money is tight, when pent up feelings begin to surface. I hope you both come through this - together or separately. Perhaps you need to really understand why you are where you are and prepare yourself for what happens next.

heron98 Thu 17-Nov-16 17:42:43

I was where you were only we weren't married.

I too was sure it was what I wanted.

After six months the nagging feeling that I'd made a mistake hadn't gone away and I asked him to take me back.

He said no.

I have always regretted it and consider it the biggest mistake of my life.

chillyogawine Thu 17-Nov-16 17:57:32

OP you can see you are definitely not alone. My DH and I went thru a very bad patch about 4 yrs ago. Our kids were aged between 3 and 7, both working, busy jobs, money worries. Everything just went to pot and we started leading separate lives. I started fantasising about being alone, which was the warning sign for me. We were best friends that marries and he's an amazing dad and supportive and loyal and loving husband and I knew I couldn't just throw it away. So we went to couple therapy. We went for nearly a year and it was hard bloody work but it really did help us communicate and understand each other better. Would it be worth considering that at least? As an interim option while you work out the future. Even if you stay separated it can be a helpful way of keeping your relationship civil and supportive? Worth a thought? As the father of your kid, you're going to have to have him in your life forever anyway.

Libertybazar Sun 20-Nov-16 19:02:04

Thank you so much for all your advice.
I spoke to dh about how I was feeling last week and he basically said he though we needed some time to be apart from each other. Before that we were texting multiple times a day.

I'm glad he was so level headed because I really needed some clarity.

We haven't been in contact in the past week (apart from the nightly phonecall to him from the kids and arranging dates when he dropped them off after the weekend). It has been much better.

I'm still feeling like I'm about to have a panic attack quite a lot of the time. I had one at work the other day and managed to hide until I could bring myself down.

I thought my parents were ok, but I spoke to my mum earlier all she could say was about how I've thrown away any chance of security, which made my blood boil a bit.

dadaist I do think I deserve someone better if I'm honest. I also honestly think he deserves someone better. We are just not suited. As much as I miss him, I really believe that, and I think he's starting to believe that too.

Dh has started doing all of the things I really wanted him to do when we were together. Seeing his friends, going out, planning things and some other bits. I don't understand why he's had a sudden change of heart because he showed no interest in this kind of thing before and it was always a sore point. I'm glad he's having fun, but I just don't understand what was holding him back before.

Trifleorbust Sun 20-Nov-16 19:07:44

I think people have different expectations of relationships. I love my DH loads and he is my best friend, but that doesn't mean I feel a constant, steady desire and passion for him, or that he never irritates me. I don't expect that standard of idealised love in return from him either. Real life isn't like that. If you miss him and you're sad to be without him and there was nothing objectionable about your relationship, and you don't feel better or relieved because he is gone, I am sat here wondering what you felt was missing to start with. And only you can answer that. It sounds to me like it is possible that you made a mistake because your expectations were romanticised rather than realistic. I may be way off the mark.

Libertybazar Sun 20-Nov-16 19:18:50

I don't think you are way off the mark. But I was miserable and had been for some time. We were just not heading in the same direction.
I would like to work on things and I told him that. But I don't think he does. Earlier he was talking about what he's doing next year for nye.
That doesn't sound like he's wanting to work on things.

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