Mother in-law

[Mariegoodfellow87]

Hello,
My partner has kept a distance from his mother for years and only see her maybe once ever other month for half an hour because if she doesn't get what she wants she takes it out on my partner dad either verbally or physical and tries to get my partner to pick sides. My partner had to grown up In this household where he witness where his mother lashing out and whenever anyone speaks to her about she says that's just the way she is. Me and my partner had a baby and she didn't like we wasn't doing everything the same way she had done, we didn't care as this was our baby and we will do what we believe is best. Since having the baby we have take a big step back and only see her when we have too as we don't want our child to be put in uncomfortable situation around her. Even when we do see her it has to be on her terms even though we a baby, so we have to try rearrange the babys routine. I know she wants to have a better relationships with us but I hate to be around this woman as she makes me feel anxious to be around even though she has never actually been aggressive to me or my partner and would kiss the ground my partner walks, my partner isn't bothered in making a better relationships with her. With Christmas coming up I'm getting anxious about when and how much she actually have to see her and what will she moan about, what would you do if you was in this situation?

[MooseBeTimeForSnow]

I'd tell her to get fucked

[MooseBeTimeForSnow]

Sorry to be so blunt. If you don't want a relationship with her you don't have to have one. Grandparents don't have rights. Yes, they can make an application to Court but there are more steps to the process than there would be for a parent. Even if she were to issue now it wouldn't be sorted in time for Christmas.

[mirokarikovo]

Biiiig distance. Rare short visits is absolute maximum for contact. NC would not be unreasonable.

[DistanceCall]

I believe Grandparents can make an application to Court to see their grandchildren if they have taken care of them for some time, and even then it's difficult. If they have not, no way.

Your MIL is for your partner to deal with. Follow his lead and support him. If he wants to have minimal contact with her, just go along on the few occasions you visit, smile and nod, look at your watch, say it's getting late, and leave. And whatever she says, it should go in one ear, out of the other.

[Mariegoodfellow87]

I feel bad for my partner dad as he is a really nice man and neither my partner or his sister has much of a relationship with him because if he doesn't report everything back to her she we have a go at him. Even stupid things like I drive past him and waved at him and she moaned that he didn't tell her when I asked him if he enjoyed his walk. My partner says he chooses to have that life so lits his own fault for staying and letting her be that way. When we had our baby my partner sent out the normal text had the baby, everything is good ect ect and his mum and his nan was calling the hospital trying to find out about my labour. Thier about to move house and their new home will be a 5 minutes drive from us, so I think that's why now I'm starting to worry they will start to turn up at my home when my partner at work, I've never had to deal with her on my own and now worried about what I would do if they turn up

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

There is very good reason why your man keeps his distance from his mother and I would follow his lead on this. You are under no obligation at all to see nasty relatives.

She does not want a better relationship with you at all (why did you write that in your post?), she simply wants to continue to brow beat you both through your child.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy family, unfortunately your partner here has not been so lucky.

Your partner's dad is not a nice man at all; he is simply her enabler and hatchet man here doing her bidding. If his mother turns up uninvited do not answer the door to her. Does your man think she will show up at your house whilst he is at work?

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward as that could help you also.

[Blu]

I agree with Attila.
Your FIL is responsible for his own situation. Neither you nor your DH are responsible for him.

Keep a cool distant regime, as your DH has been doing. Do not do anything else like change your baby's routine. It may be that your DH has an arrangement like visit with the baby occasionally, or they visit: fine, stick with that, with DH.

How, I wonder, did they come to decide to move 5 mins drive from you? Remember: this was their own decision, it does not put you under an obligation. Not your responsibility to change your life because they have done that. Only if you want to. Which you don't!

I understand why you are anxious, I would be too, a woman who has invaded my privacy by going over my head and trying to get my info from the hospital. But reminding yourself that you are right and she is behaving badly, and FIL is an adult and can look after himself just as your DH has find if he chooses, might help you remain calm and firm.

[TheNaze73]

This isn't your fight

[ChuckGravestones]

Make sure you only answer the door if you are expecting someone, and insist that if she wants to come over, your partner arranges it and is present.

[Mariegoodfellow87]

Thanks guys, I feel like at somepoint she will complain about not being involved in our child's life and glad we've not the only ones who would keep a distance. I can only imagine they are moving to be close to us, We never asked then too and even suggest they moved a bit further away and get more for their money but instead they have downside and hardly made any money from it. Also I'm glad you guys have said about his dad, I've never thought of it that way. He should of protected the children from such a toxic environment like what we are trying to do for our child. Fingers crossed she don't demand alot of time at Christmas, Last thing we would want is to have a argument then but needs must I guess. Thanks ladies x

[SandyY2K]

I agree with your DP that's it's his dad's fault for putting up with it, but I also empathise because he's a victim of her abuse and control.

I'd honestly want to keep my distance and the thought of them moving closer is frightening.

[NotTheFordType]

Fingers crossed she don't demand alot of time at Christmas

She can demand whatever she likes; she can't make you do anything. Hold your nerve!