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Do I say something or just move on?

(17 Posts)
ittooshallpass Tue 15-Nov-16 23:26:03

I have been friends with 'A' since I was 11.
We've moved in and out of each others lives with ease.

I was bridesmaid at her wedding. Babysat her kids.

We've laughed. We've cried.

I never married so always travelled to visit her as it was easier. I had no kids.

Then I got pregnant. A surprise pregnancy very late in life. I was ecstatic. Didn't think it would ever happen.

My DP turned out not so 'D'. I became a single parent. Devastated. Breakdown. Told no-one. Just missed his name off Christmas card... seemed the easiest thing to do. Path of least pain.

Throughout the last 5 years no contact with 'A'. I couldn't travel to her. She never bothered to come to me. Despite invites.

I suddenly realised that she had ignored my birthday and sent no Christmas card for several years, despite me always sending to her.

We have chatted on FB. I explained about breakdown. Said how difficult life has been. But ok now!

We both have a big birthday coming up. I invited her to my celebration. 'A' can't make it. Asked her what she's doing for her birthday. Nothing... just small family party.

On FB today... loads of birthday wishes to 'A' and messages about 'looking forward to party'...

I am really hurt. I've been exited haven't I? Didn't see it coming. Do I say something? Ask what I've done... or just move on?

Feel so sad this evening.

EssentialHummus Tue 15-Nov-16 23:29:06

sad oh love. I think this is probably a case of your worlds just drifting apart. Not sure what there is to gain by asking.

Hulla2012 Tue 15-Nov-16 23:29:39

Oh bless you. I would move on, I've always lived by the rule that life's too short to hold onto people who don't make the same effort you do. Surround yourself with people that want to spend time with you and don't waste your time over people that don't. It's sad because of the length of time you've known each other, but time is just a number and you need to think if you really do know each other anymore. Don't be sad. X

mamakena Tue 15-Nov-16 23:36:31

hugs to you. I don't know what to say, it's really hurtful yo be x'ed by a long time friend. In my case I just moved on, no questions or drama.

baconandeggies Wed 16-Nov-16 00:10:02

If someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. Stings though flowers

TheNaze73 Wed 16-Nov-16 08:00:08

You've just drifted, this happens sadly. A bit like a thread I was reading yesterday about people that get together too young, it just happens.
You sound lovely, don't take it personally

ittooshallpass Wed 16-Nov-16 19:44:52

Thank you for all the lovely, kind replies. It's sad that 'A' doesn't want me in her life any more... but I guess I just move on... no drama...

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 16-Nov-16 20:05:02

I had a similar experience with a very close schoolfriend reunited after thirty years (she lived abroad)and I visited her and she visited me and then she suddenly went stone cold . I racked my brains/drove myself bloody nuts going over every conversation , every word, every drinks/restaurant bill in my mind trying to pinpoint where I had pissed her off to the point she decided not to want me in her life. I couldn't think of anything we had talked and laughed and cried and both said how great it was we had found each other again and so on and were both very fair people about paying the bill and so on..
At the end of the day you will just drive yourself mad , you really will trying to figure it out and what 'you' have done wrong. Yes it is very hurtful when you are discarded like so much trash but sometimes the problem is with them and not you and if they haven't got the decency to tell you what it is (if you have done /said something to upset them) then I came to the conclusion they aren't worth it.

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 16-Nov-16 20:11:43

Or you could just send this and then block her : I was going to but bottled it

'Sorry to have bothered you with my friendship'

YouHadMeAtCake Wed 16-Nov-16 20:17:50

Oh bless you OP.I am going through very similar with a ''friend'' of many many years (over 40) and I have just given up. I tried and tried but it became apparent that it was not worth it as she made little to no effort for ages and then just all dropped contact, she didn't reply but had read my messages. .I know in my heart I have not done anything wrong but like humbug says, you will just drive yourself mad, I have. I had to stop it, stop myself. I am grieving but I am also angry. Then I thought, what did she ever really do for me. She ignored all the major things that went on, ,forgot every birthday and Christmas, never came to see me, always expected me to see her. Her 3 DC being the reason but I also have DC. It does hurt a lot, I am sorry OP flowers

Hassled Wed 16-Nov-16 20:26:19

She may well come back - I've known it to happen, where I think a friendship is dead and buried but then it somehow resolves itself. But it does sound like this was a friendship based on you being available and you making all the effort. I'm sorry - it must really hurt.

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 16-Nov-16 20:41:33

Thanks Youhadme yes you can drive yourself mad going over and over every word you said every facial expression , did I not stand my fair share of the coffees - I took it to ridiculous extremes I felt compelled to know and became paranoid about other friends possibly dropping me in the same way. Interesting you say 'grieving' I never thought of it like that but you are right it is a grieving process. When someone loses a loved one they go over and over everything in much the same way - could I have been more affectionate ,could I have done more, was it my fault in some way and so on.

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 16-Nov-16 20:45:08

<disclaimer> not suggesting a cold shoulder from a friend is on the same plane as losing a loved one by any means but we do go through a similar 'processing' procedure.

Cary2012 Wed 16-Nov-16 20:52:58

I think we just have to accept that some people stay in our lives for longer than others. Value the lovely memories of your friendship, your paths may cross again, and your friendship may be renewed. Try to just accept it for now, try to make new friends, and keep an open mind. A friendship of mine, over 30 years, has recently dwindled; after repeatedly reaching out, I've sadly accepted that it may have run its course. Sad, but there is a limit to how much we should invest of ourselves when it's not reciprocated.

ittooshallpass Sat 19-Nov-16 06:38:16

Thank you for all your replies. They have really helped.

Bah... I understand what you mean. It is a process. I guess I just have to go through it.

I have been driving myself mad with the 'what have I done' question. I promised myself i'd walk away quietly if she turned down my next invite. But here I am... still thinking about it all...

I have new friends but I'm sad this old friend doesn't want me in her life.

Cary... you are right. There is a limit and I think it has just been reached!

OliviaStabler Sat 19-Nov-16 09:52:21

I always feel sad when this has happened to me. It can really hurt.

Sounds like you have drifted apart. It is sad but for her to lie to you is not on. You will think about it now and then, only natural.

magoria Sat 19-Nov-16 10:01:08

Well A has lost a really decent friend hasn't she.

What have you lost? Someone who was only a friend if you did...

It may not seem like it right now but who is the bigger loser?

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