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Husband in need of advice(56 Posts)
I need a woman's point of view
My wife and I have been together for 9 years married for 5 with 3 little girls.
Ever since we got together I have not been the greatest partner. The main problem was my temper I was always on a short fuse and took it out on her. I lied about money problems (my thought at the time I was protecting her). She became pregnant after our first child and she felt pressured in to getting a termination. I have been violent on times and have hurt her.
I took sometime out and realised how I was treating her and the thought of me losing her almost killed me. I knew myself I had to change I spoke to her and told her how I felt and how I wanted to change. At the same time she found herself getting fed up of being a doormat and started to think about herself and having time for her self. She doesn't know if she can get over what has happened in the past and if we have a future. It all came to a head last weekend when she told me that she could do no more and thought it was best to end the relationship. We managed to talk and she took some time and thought and decided to give it one more chance.
She has said that she feels distant but I don't want to put presure on her and I feel that she doesn't even want to kiss me. I do try and being romantic and making her feel special but I don't know if it's enough for her to know how much I love her and want this to work.
I completely understand that this will take time but is there any advice on how I can help her get over what has happened. I know that I am lucky and that she should have left a long time ago. She has said that maybe I changed too late in the relationship. And she isn't too interested in speaking to a professional.
Is there any advice please I'm desperate for my wife to be able to know she sees a future with us together. I know I can't change the past but I want to be in her future.
You need to give her space and let her decide if she wants to be in the relationship. She'd be justified to leave because of the past violence.
Can you imagine a man treating one of your daughters the way you've treated your wife?
Would you have been happy for one of your daughters to be married to a man who laid a hand on her?
Even though the violence is in the past, it's hard to get over the bad treatment.
It's hard to believe that a man who truly loves you would physically hurt you.
So despite your words now, the damage of the past might be too much for her to get over.
Leave it up to her and don't get impatient or sulky with her decision.
Your post is all about you. Leave her alone and let her make a decision without pressure.
Just because you want a future with her doesn't mean she has to have one with you.
Back off, give her the space she wants. If she is saying it is over accept it with good grace and learn from your mistakes.
Being "romantic" and "making her feel special" is pretty meaningless and doesn't make up for the violence and temper. I would also hate the lying about financial problems.
When you say she felt pressured to have a termination? Were you pressuring her? When you say you took some time out, does that mean you left the family for a time?
If she was posting we'd all be telling her that she should leave for her sake and for the sake of the children. Do you think any of your behaviour was good for your daughters to witness?
It's her decision and you might have to accept that it is too late to get the relationship back.
Unfortunately you were aggressive towards your wife and this would have completely broken the trust in your relationship. For some people when the trust is broken it can't be remade. It's difficult to forgive someone for their behaviour especially when you have physically hurt the woman you were meant to love. If she has said, give it one more chance, do it her way, at her pace. And if it doesn't work out, let her move forward with her life peacefully. Whilst you say you love your wife, she deserves better. No person in a relationship deserves abuse of any kind.
Once you hit someone all bets are off.
Learn from it and don't fucking lift your hands again you animal.
Let her go. You've inflicted more than enough damage already.
Call the Respect Phoneline and do the Freedom Programme for men. But do those things to help you understand the damage you've caused and help you to change your behaviour in future. Not in order to persuade your wife to give you another chance.
Why did you decide to post on Mumsnet? Does your wife use it?
Thank you all for the advice, I know that she should have left me and I am greatful for the chance to prove myself. I didn't think that I was pressuring her but I do know now looking back that I handled it wrong.
I have gone to anger management and maybe it is too late and I have said that it is her choice and I will accept it.
I posted on here as I wanted a woman's advice, my wife does not use it as far as I know. It was just to get advice and a different point of view
So what are you actually doing about your abusive behaviour? Other than promising not to do it again, which I'm sure you have done many times and broken.
You need to enrol on an abuse perpetrator programme, or the behaviour towards your wife will continue. And she is right not to trust you.
Even though it is wonderful that you can see where you have done your wife wrong and you want to change, if I were you I would get urgent psychological help and also anger management. It would not be safe to assume you won't be violent again sometime.
Real intimacy can only come from trust and that will be difficult for your wife, but if she knows you are truly getting help for whatever it is in you that is making you behave as you do, that will help her believe in you.
Violence can also can also arise more easily from too much alcohol, caffeine, hunger, lack of sleep, or too much heat so watch out for these aspects in your life.
You thought it was ok to abuse your wife.
Really doesn't matter what you claim to think now.
She should leave you once and for all and I very much hope she does.
Let her go. In fact if you gave two shits for her and your DDs, rather than just having her for yourself, you would be telling her to go yourself not trying to persuade her back.
'Scaredhusband' pah! You self-pitying idiot, how do you think she felt when you were 'physically hurting' her and pressuring her into an abortion?
You need to stay far away from her for good and far away from your dd's until you are properly able to recognise how deeply utterly despicable you have been.
When you say you took some time out, you mean you were shagging someone else for a while, right?
I wouldn't stay with someone who abused me. I couldn't respect or trust that person, so there'd be no point in continuing.
I hope your wife finds happiness with the decision that she makes.
I have gone to anger management
The OP has got some help.
You may have to live in the knowledge that you breached a certain trust by being physically abusive towards her and she doesn't trust you anymore.
People often wise up after a while and though she didn't leave you back then, she may be kicking herself for not doing so
What you need to realise is that certain actions just taint a relationship. Violence and cheating are 2 that spring to mind.
Do you come from an abusive home? Did either of your parents have anger issues?
It's always the same. Behave like a complete arse to your wife for years and years just because you can be, use her as a whipping post for all your frustrations and then when she's had enough suddenly focus your mind and can't live without her . Such a cliched old story, honest I promise you it is. I could name five couple I know personally like this straight off.
Once she's got to this point that's it I am afraid, bow out with dignity and don't make the separation any harder than it needs to be. Try to make up for all those years of crap.
Oh and she was never "a doormat" - she was a victim of domestic violence and abuse.
If I were your wife's friend I would be encouraging her to leave you , to help her find the courage and self respect that you have destroyed to become her own person again and seek happiness without you .
Anger management has been shown not to work for abuse perpetrators. However it is often used by them as a cop out or soft option, because they generally don't see themselves as "real" abusers.
If you truly love her you will let her go. Let her find her happiness. You have f**ked up and you need to find your true self. You cannot do this whilst you are pressuring her to love you.
I hope she is strong enough to stay away. Poor woman.
What do you mean - 'help her get over what's happened'. Do you mean 'how can I help her forgive and forget my violence towards her, my lying, my stealing from the family'.
She told you she wants to end the relationship. You - the person who has been angry and violent towards her in the past - talked her into 'thinking about it' because it's something you don't want to happen. I wonder if she really wants to think about it, or if she just feels trapped and scared that you might hit her again if you don't get your way?
Move out, give her space. If she wants you let her come to you. But I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.
I would suggest your wife gets some therapy.
The result maybe you can work together to rebuild the relationship or it maybe that she leaves you.
You owe her as much time as she needs and I am afraid a few flowers and a nice meal will not delete the abuse you have given her.
Start by putting her and her feelings first not you and yours. You hopefully feel guilt and remorse so use that to make it all about your wifes beeds. You come last.
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