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I don't know if i can carry on in my marriage.

(30 Posts)
user1479241710 Tue 15-Nov-16 20:58:56


Sorry if this goes on a bit.

I've been reading so much over the last few months about losing respect for your husband and ways to try and rebuild our relationship.

We have a 20 month old boy, he wasn't planed and i had an affair (don't worry wasn't his) we were getting marriage counselling and about 3 months in thats when i found out i was pregnant.
I know your thinking what a bitch cheating on her husband and yes i was. Honestly it was a cry for help, but that is not the way to go about it.

Being pregnant and going through counselling felt odd for us both, we were trying to rebuild our marraige and thought it wasn't ideal timing, but it is what it is and i've got a boy that i love more than anything in the world.

Our marriage and relationship has never been great and really i think we were to young when we got married (25) now 32.

He doesn't want to work and never has really worked, lives off his family's money and sits around all day on his laptop doing nothing.

He said when i was pregnant he's going to change and be a father his son could look up to but nothing has changed. And when i have in the past mentioned this to him of what he's said he then brings up the affair and i end up spending the whole day trying to make him happy again, or we just don't talk for the day so i just don't say anything any more because its tiring.

I work as much as i can, clean the house, cook, do the laundry and when i ask him to give me a hand he gets in a strop.
It's honestly like living with a teenager and has always been this way, before the affair so that's not what it is.

I have no respect for him, he's only helpful when he wants sex and honestly when he tries anything it makes my skin crawl and i always come up with a excuses why i can't have sex.

I know it sounds bad, he's a great guy, great friend, great father in so many ways but he's just lazy and has a massive chip on his shoulder. He never follows through with anything and it's tiring having the same arguments over and over again. Nothing ever changes so i've just given up even saying anything.

I take care of all our finances , pay all the bills (with both our money that we got from selling our old house). I honestly feel like the man and wife in this relationship.
I think i'm not right for him because he's obviously not motivated to help our family not only financially but emotionally to.

I honestly would leave today if it wasn't for our son and the fact our families are so close, it wouldn't only have repercussions on our son but both sides of our family and i would feel so guilty putting everyone through that.

I'm so lost and just wanted to put it out there and see what you thought, maybe what i can do, if anyones got the same problem had the same problem, anything really.

Thank you. x

category12 Tue 15-Nov-16 21:05:05

You're 32, your little boy is 20months - now is the perfect time to get out of this, really. Having mum and dad separate will be normal quickly for him. Don't waste another year on this man. Your families don't have to live your life, you do.

user1471895431 Tue 15-Nov-16 21:06:04


Just read through your post and didn't want to read and run. I don't blame you for having an affair, not that it's right, but you know that. Has he always been like this or did you start losing respect for him at a certain point?

Ihatethedailymail1 Tue 15-Nov-16 21:20:47

What are you going to do when that money runs out? What is his justification in not working?

ihatethecold Tue 15-Nov-16 21:22:11

He sounds like a man child.
Does your relationship have any real good points op?

Personally I'd cut and run.

timelytess Tue 15-Nov-16 21:44:09

Just get out. You're doing all the work, you and your ds won't miss him.

user1479241710 Tue 15-Nov-16 22:10:18

Thanks for your messages. I think i started loosing respect for him after we got married. He kept saying when we're married i'm going to get a job i'm going to do this I'm going to do that and i honestly believed him. He's a really nice guy but then it's just disappointing.

The money from selling the house is just helping for now as i get back into full time work. He said he can't really do much and isn't qualified to get a good job, but his family pay him each month from the family company because he kicks off such a fuss that he can't do anything and they let him get away with it, it's not a lot but they shouldn't give him anything.

Our really good points are we share the same family value, we love our families we are close to them and honestly the best thing is our son, other than that i'm really struggling to think of what else.

I feel bad slagging him off, i'm not saying i'm perfect, far from probably but I just look at it thinking is this actually going to be my life? I'm being really short with him and snappy i've just given up and it's not far on him but i know the guilt he'll make me pay if i leave him.

HeavenlyEyes Tue 15-Nov-16 22:27:22

I cannot see why you are with him at all. He sounds lazy, makes your skin crawl and makes false promises. You don't sound like you even like him - and I can't blame you. What a waste if you stay with him.

tipsytrifle Tue 15-Nov-16 22:55:50

It sounds like he's using your affair as emotional blackmail. Maybe it's time to forgive yourself for that, accept the lessons it gave you and move on from it. He's using it to "keep you down" - you, I suspect, were using it to be free. The messages are written clearly in your unhappy sky. I think this marriage may have run its course in and of its own nature. He's exploiting your guilt so get rid of that. It's long done and dusted, a current waste of energy and a trap. You've learned your lessons but he hasn't learned his. Just my opinions on the bare bones of this situation. I know it's all easier to say than do, but think about the doing; think about that freedom from his small horizons and the urge to reach for broader ones that are tapping you on the shoulder. This is your life. Value it.

adora1 Wed 16-Nov-16 11:32:32

Great guy, great dad, eh no he is not, he's lazy, and is sponging off you and not contributing in any way to raising his child; you'd be better off as a single parent.

I would have zero respect for this man and I'd not be able to continue in a relationship with him, what a loser, sorry OP, but he really is taking the piss.

TheNaze73 Wed 16-Nov-16 12:14:23

There is no justification ever for an affair. If he had anything about him, he'd have dumped you on the spot.
And there's your problem, he has no drive & it's no wonder you don't respect him as he doesn't have any self respect.
As category said, now does seem like a good time to go.
Good luck

Blueskyrain Wed 16-Nov-16 12:18:17

You had an affair, he decided to forgive you, as far as I'm concerned, the affair is the history. If you forgive and decide to stay together, its not then fair to keep on bringing it up.

Given he doesn't work, and you are working (or just getting back to work), is he staying home looking after your toddler?

jellymaker Wed 16-Nov-16 12:24:12

stop enabling him by being the one that does all the work. Stop doing his washing , cooking for him, cleaning for him etc. Leave him with the baby and go out and give him the opportunity to learn to do a few things. You are just another person propping him up and not allowing him to grow up. If you dropped a lot of what you do, he would soon start to notice. Try it before you walk away for good.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 16-Nov-16 12:34:21

we share the same family value
No you don't.
He can't even be arsed to help support his own family.
You know what you need to do.
So there will be fall out.
There always is.
But you need to find some happiness and a MAN that will support you and work to support his family.
Your DP is a cocklodging lazy arsed twat.
Pure and simple!

grittypetal Wed 16-Nov-16 13:15:52

I'm a bit upset at all the negative comments above. It is nice that you like your husband. Working and bringing money into the family home is obviously important, but not all there is to life. What else is he good at? Fixing things around the house, looking after your son, giving you and your child emotional support? Walking out from someone you feel close to is not always the ebst idea. There must be other ways to try to change the partnership, little tips and tricks, MN is actually great for that!

MatildaTheCat Wed 16-Nov-16 13:30:10

I'm not sensing that the OP likes her husband. She recognises he has some good qualities but she's lost respect. He makes skin crawl and if it wasn't for their DC she'd leave today.

OP, I can't see any future for this. Why his family are giving him money is weird without asking for any work in return. He's full of empty promises. You don't mention weed but I wouldn't be surprised if that featured, too.

Sort out your plans and then tell him. You will have to be prepared for shared care of your son but perhaps that will be too much effort, too.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 16-Nov-16 13:37:32

gritty did you read all the OP's posts?
Because she quite clearly states that
the best thing is our son, other than that i'm really struggling to think of what else
He does sweet feck-all!
Lazes around all day on the computer.
Doesn't contribute anything.
What positives do you want us to find?
There are NONE!
In fact he's so feckin useless she looked elsewhere for affection and an escape!

bentoni Wed 16-Nov-16 13:46:04

Not surprised you're disappointed OP. It must be tough to realise he's never going to change... if you won't put food on the table for your own child at what point will you step up?

You say he's going to 'make you pay' ... that doesn't sound good. One day you will realise that you're far better than him.

Have you shared your concerns with the rest of both families? You need some back-up.

See a solicitor and get your shit together in terms of paperwork. Don't give him the opportunity to loaf around on your hard work any longer.

bentoni Wed 16-Nov-16 13:47:37

Having said all that - is he doing all of the childcare? You don't mention who looks after DS when you're at work?

tinymeteor Wed 16-Nov-16 13:48:30

It's not about whether he's a good enough guy to deserve you staying, or a bad enough guy to deserve you leaving. It's about whether you love each other. Do you love him OP, or are you just stuck with him?

mrssapphirebright Wed 16-Nov-16 13:50:45

OP, you really need to ask yourself if this is it for you, if you want to waste the rest of your life on this man. I know leaving a marriage is not the easy option, and for the sake of your ds you should probably suggest marriage counselling as a last ditch attempt to fix your marriage. At the end of the day, if he won't change its highly unlikely you will suddenly find this man desirable again. You have already lost respect for him (and quite rightly too). Just because he is a nice guy, doesn't mean you should stay. You are seriously settling for second best OP!

Surely his parents must see how lazy he is? and yours for that matter! Pretty sure your family will understand that this isn't acceptable for their daughter / sister etc.

Don't even get me started on the example he is setting for your ds......

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 16-Nov-16 14:01:53

As an old woman of 53 who was unhappily married to a man child for many years, leave. I stayed 'for the children' and it was far harder for everyone to comprehend when I finally did go just 6 months ago at the age of 52. You are young, your little boy is young, you have your whole life ahead of you so go now.

rollmeover Wed 16-Nov-16 15:48:01

I think you know you have to leave him. Though as he doesn't work could he claim that he is the caregiving parent? You might need to be careful in terms of residency etc, so start putting a plan in place now.

Dozer Wed 16-Nov-16 15:51:05

So seek legal advice and plan to leave?

diamondofdoom Wed 16-Nov-16 16:01:30

I would leave. You don't want to spend the next 15 years with this man-child making you feel guilty and dossing about.

It'll be hard, of course, but your family and friends want you to be happy. There might be a fall out but would you rather it happen now, or wait 15 years and have it happen then with an added 'WHY did you stay so long'?

And your DS is young enough to adapt to any change without remembering any of it.

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