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do i end it?

(10 Posts)
shey88x Tue 15-Nov-16 12:30:14

New to this so bare with me.
basically been with my partner 12 years, since school, engaged for 8 years, i love him, but i also hate him.
Im constantly thinking about how much easier it would be on my own and the freedom id have, hes always been quite possessive like a caveman but i sort of adjusted to that lifestyle.We dont have any kids. I do love him and i know it would be new territory on my own, and when i think to myself, could i do this on my own? i think yeah i could, id be hurt but id get over it, ask me that same question a year ago and id have broke down in tears just thinking of life without him, but lately just simple things are causing us to argue, i feel weve became more friend zone than couple. Sex life and everything still good, ive never said to him about this because his reaction would be to accuse me that ive met someone else, which i havent, i even talk to another guy hes by my side chest puffed out and giving the poor guy the evils, . some days im happy with him, thankful were together and other days i just want him to go.
This has only been the past few months ive been feeling like this, i dont know why, i see myself eyeing up other guys and stuff but id never cheat and i have no desire for anyone else either, its just got me at a loss here. In a way id like to think that i can work through this and all will be great but at same time im thinking, have i just wasted 12 years?
Please any info you can give me is appreciated, or what would you do? x

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:38:06

Sounds like you've been getting stronger and emerging from under his control. Don't do anything rash because you need to be confident in your decision in order to avoid lots of back and forth. I'd concentrate on gettig yourself set up for an easy departure if that's what you decide to do.

One Q - why engaged for so long but no marriage? Who's holding back?

And no, you haven't wasted 12 years as you will have learned some important lessons. Don't look back, look forward and make sure you don't waste any more time. Basic calculations put you mid/late twenties? Still so so so so young!

FetchezLaVache Tue 15-Nov-16 12:42:14

YY to what Lost said. You were really young when you got together and just accepted the caveman tendencies, but now you're more of your own person and feel a bit smothered by it all. I think basically it sounds like you've grown apart. Is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Ebbenmeowgi Tue 15-Nov-16 12:42:48

I think you already know the answer to this op and that you want to end this relationship. Also you've been together since school? So guess you haven't had much experience of other relationships? They should be equal and based on mutual respect, he sounds v possessive and jealous - not a good combo. I've had several LTR and IME when I've started to question the relationship/want to be with other people, it means it's dying. I'm now in the longest term relationship I've ever had and could honestly say I could be with him the rest of my life, absolutely no doubts. Life is too short to be stuck in an unhappy, dissatisfying relationship.

daimbar Tue 15-Nov-16 12:45:21

I would recommend working through the questions on here. You will find your answer.
https://divorcesource.wordpress.com/2008/02/01/too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay/

TheNaze73 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:47:47

He sounds horrendous but, only the hindsight of wisdom has shown you that. Classic example of meeting too young & you've evolved, he hasn't.

Cricrichan Tue 15-Nov-16 12:53:44

I'm also with a possessive and jealous man. I've had him accuse me of fancying men and having affairs and I haven't so much as considered one. It's awful. We have kids together though and a split isn't as simple but it's going to happen.

You're young and you've realised that his behaviour isn't right. I would leave him before you do find someone else and he thinks his suspicions justified. Also before your life is a lot more complicated by adding marriage and children into it!

shey88x Tue 15-Nov-16 13:29:54

yeah just turned 29, marriage, he proposed and i said id deal with it, when the moment came something always comes up for the money to go on, he brought it up recently but i just said we have loads of time, i know i sound really bad but that also ended in a 2 day long arguement

shey88x Tue 15-Nov-16 13:37:53

yeah criciichan, i know the feeling of the overbearing accusations, its got to a stage i feel like i dont have a social life, if i go out miss a call from him because of music i get the dreaded feeling in my stomach because i know its going to be arguement, accusation and then me apologising for going out.
This has all really helped all, thank you, now that im typing it out and reading it back i wonder to myself why im even asking, if it were someone else id be saying leave now, i just feel, stuck, its the only way i can put it. In answer to question above, in honesty no, i dont see me spending the rest of my life with him, i love him and some days hes great and others hes just unbearable, but i shouldnt have to be in high alert of what kind of day hes going to have. I have tried to break it off once before and he talked me round somehow, and makes me feel guilty for wanting to end it. im going to talk to him later and put cards on the table and just say, this is how its going to be,
Thank you all, ill keep you all informed, again, all advice is appreciated.x

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 15-Nov-16 13:48:32

Ugh he sounds like a bit of a neanderthal frankly, and pretty immature. You've already given him pretty much all of your twenties. Trust me, your thirties are where you really start to come face to face with exactly who you are, what you need and what you deserve. Move on from this and embrace that.

And please stay single for a good long while after you leave. That's the only way you're going to figure out what makes you tick. Don't repeat the cycle.

Good luck x

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