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Not sure if it's ever going to be OK.

(4 Posts)
YouSaidItAgain Tue 15-Nov-16 11:30:08

Dh and I have been together since I was 17 and I fell pregnant young. He was a nightmare through the pregnancy and dd being young (he was only 20 himself).
In the past he has been caught speaking to other girls online, I once found pictures of a half naked girl he had been speaking to and texts to an ex girlfriend while I was pregnant.
I have no idea why I didn't leave, I was young and scared of being alone and we got married while I was in my early 20s and had ds.
He has been violent to me in the past, not repeatedly but it's happened more than once and he has made me feel very uneasy in my own home at times.
A couple of years ago I gathered my courage and decided to leave. I told my family I was leaving and I felt good about it all. He decided he really wanted it to work after this and I decided to give it another go. I can honestly say as we're approaching our 30s he's a very different person.
He's kind and supportive, he's a very good dad and works very hard. If I had met him now we would be very happy.
I just can't move forward because I'm always looking back. He was very young and obviously not mature enough to handle everything before.
I am a sahm and would struggle to support dc's if I leave. I feel I'm being unfair to dh by dragging up the past but I'm not sure if I can move on from it.
I don't know what I'm hoping to get out of this post really but just wanted to vent some of my feelings.

ButIbeingpoor Tue 15-Nov-16 15:36:48

Yousaiditagain, I am in a similar situation to you. I am considering having some sort of counselling to see can I move past his historical transgressions. I know a lot of his errors were judgmental mistakes that can be attributed to his youth and inexperience and poor male role models. Some were absolutely because he chose to be an arse. But....I was a bit of an arse myself at times. I made quite a few poor choices and I wonder how he has internalised my errors.
Just recently I thought about our relationship and how our future would be. I think I might give it a go. I don't want another man, I want the man I thought he was, who he actually wasn't but I think he might be now.

YouSaidItAgain Tue 15-Nov-16 16:12:06

Thank you ButIbeingpoor do you mind me asking if it's individual or couples counselling you're thinking of having?
I'd love to do some couples therapy with dh to really try to move forward but he's quite closed off when it comes to discussing emotions so I don't know how far it would get us really.
I think the major issue for us was that I really put my everything into keeping us together and I think he was hoping I would leave him when we were younger which left me feeling rather shitty.
I do think he wants to be with me now but I can't help but feel like I'm back in that place every time we have any issues.
Trust is a big one for us and dh works away from home a lot which puts more pressure on the relationship.

ButIbeingpoor Tue 15-Nov-16 17:03:53

I'm thinking of individual counselling. He wants our 'marriage' to work and has done for a long time. I left him and divorced years ago but he never gave up. I stayed friends, we had children so he was always in my life. Neither of us moved on and just recently it dawned on me that this is my life I'm wasting. I'll never live it again. I have a future and I can either forgive his past infidelities and move on. Or not forgive them and move on. I just need to move on. Choices, eh?
He wants to be with me and I think he was traumatised by our divorce more than I was by his affairs. He didn't think I'd ever find out or if I did I'd just shout a bit and then go back to normal. He had a bit of a breakdown when I threw him out and divorced him. This was 16 years ago. Neither of us had another relationship but I suspect he had a few ONS.
So the counselling is for me to see whether I can move on either with him properly or just as a member of the children's family.

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