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Is this fixable?

(21 Posts)
User14567890 Tue 15-Nov-16 11:21:50

I've been married 10 years. He earns about double my salary if I worked ft. We've always had seperate finances but he's always paid more for stuff such as holidays and eating out that we wouldn't be able to do if we split it 50:50. He has also paid a higher proportion of the household bills since we bought a house together, roughly 70:30. This worked ok before we had a child, although he's always resented that he has to pay more for some things and thinks everything should be split 50:50.

I had a full year off for maternity, which was what I wanted but he didn't object. By the end of the year I was really struggling financially. I had assumed he would help me out financially but he was very reluctant.
I decided to go back to work part time. I'm not sure if he's happy about that - sometimes he says it's good for our son, other times he complains that I'm not working enough hours and it's not fair he has to go to work every day. Practically, I couldn't work full time - he would never miss anything important at work to go to appointments, look after him when ill, etc. I always do that stuff and most of the household stuff.

Our kid is 4 now and after years of building bitterness and resentment on both sides we barely have any kind of relationship, other than as parents. He's happy to spend his money on our son, our house, family holidays, days and meals out. But he can afford to spend whatever he wants on himself and I have very little to spend on myself. He thinks this is fine because it's his money. I think the stuff I do that I don't get paid for is valuable and makes his life easier and families should have family money!
I've just asked for a joint account and equal access to our finances. He thought this would cause problems because I'd see what he was spending and feel bad because I can't afford to spend like that hmm He was horrified when I explained I want equal access to spending. He thinks this is totally unreasonable but has reluctantly agreed because he just wants "an easy life" and doesn't want to get divorced, which is where we are heading if nothing changes.
I wonder if we should get some kind of counselling? There's lots of other issues too. Or maybe we just want different things and should stop making each other miserable. sad

Themanfrommancc Tue 15-Nov-16 11:26:17

This just sounds like a bit of a threat i.e i want a joint account or we are getting divorced and then it will cost you more. But as you have already intimated, there is more to this than just finance. A man needs to retain his self respect and if a woman or anyone else seeks to erode it then eventually it will end badly. He sounds like a good provider on the face of it. Be careful you dont throw the baby out with the bath water

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 15-Nov-16 11:27:39

You're in this together. I'd say it's pretty alarming that he doesn't want you to see what he's spending his money on!

I'd suspect OW but if he's agreed, then it just sounds like pure financial selfishness.

What are the other issues?

Bluntness100 Tue 15-Nov-16 11:34:05

I think his attitude is quite strange, especially as you are married and have been for a long time. On the other hand, for one party to be at home, and to be financially supported by the other, then both parties have to agree that and I'm not sure uou really did agree that to be fair. You seemed to have an expectation rather than an actual agreement.

I don't know I always worked, but think if I'd decided to stay home then part of that initial discussion would have been about the finances and could we afford it and how it would work, it seems you took s decision to stop working but never had that discussion with him. Maybe he resents that a little.

ageingrunner Tue 15-Nov-16 11:47:08

Have you worked out the financial value of the unpaid work that you do op? I.e. How much it would cost for a nanny/childminder/nursery to do the same childcare you do? Also cleaner/housekeeper.
Your unpaid work has value. And I think he's right to be worried that he would lose the benefit of your free labour if you divorced. He needs to be taught to appreciate your contribution!

bluebell9 Tue 15-Nov-16 11:48:35

I think the counselling is a great idea so you can see things from each others point of view.
Hope it works out for you

Naicehamshop Tue 15-Nov-16 11:51:54

A man needs to retain his self respect ?? What planet are you on, mancc?
She is looking after their son and he is happy to watch her struggle financially while he spends whatever he wants on himself! This isn't a marriage, it's disgusting, selfish behaviour on his part.

User14567890 Tue 15-Nov-16 11:55:36

There's definitely fault on both sides, although he can only see my faults and thinks he's always right. We discussed working part time initially. I said I wanted to go pt and he said it was fine but i guess he has changed his mind.
He definitely saw this thing about the joint account as a threat but honestly I don't know what else to do. He always wants to handle all the finances himself. He pays all the bills, I give him money towards them.
I suppose that's part of the other issues. If I'm being completely honest I don't really trust him and I don't think I can depend on him.
He's very hard to talk to. He just agrees to everything and then does whatever he wants.

happypoobum Tue 15-Nov-16 11:55:55

Ignore the man

I agree that counselling sounds like a good idea. He seems to view you as a chattel rather than an equal partner. Why shouldn't you have equal spending power?

If he fails to come around I would work 16 hours and swap him for tax credits.

Life is too short to be this miserable. flowers

User14567890 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:15:46

What actually happens at counselling? Has anyone done it and found it helpful? Or unhelpful even?

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:23:41

You'll be encouraged to both lay out how you're feeling - honestly. The benefit of having a counsellor there is to stop you running away on topics/feelings and concentrate on the real issues.

They won't sit there and tell you what to do but they will help you, over time, to focus on what's really going on at the core. They will also pull you/DH up on anything you say that isn't helpful or truthful.

I've found it pretty helpful in terms of clarity on how I feel. Unfortunately for us, that clarity comes with what feels like an inevitable split.

If you do go, be as honest as you possibly can. Dressing things up or avoiding the real issues will be a very costly waste of time.

adora1 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:23:43

He is financially abusing you OP, you are married fgs, he sounds a right tight selfish dick. Your money should be shared in one account, what was the point in getting married and having children, hate men like this, unbelievably selfish, this is not a marriage or a team.

adora1 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:25:30

I doubt counselling is going to turn him into a equal respectful partner, this is who he is. You'd be better off as a single parent OP, do not tolerate this crap any longer.

User14567890 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:36:05

You'll be encouraged to both lay out how you're feeling - honestly I'm sceptical that he will do this but would be happy to be proven wrong.

You'd be better off as a single parent OP, do not tolerate this crap any longer I have wondered if this is true, financially and otherwise.

Thanks for the replies and advice. I'll have a look at counselling.

Lostandlonely1979 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:42:53

Hmm yeah we barely have any kind of relationship, other than as parents.

This suggests the financial thing isn't the issue (although it's a big issue). Are you sure you don't justwant out and you're looking for reasons...? I only say that because that's what I've been doing for three years.

The only reason you need to leave for is your happiness.

User14567890 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:45:18

A question about child benefit? He has registered it in his name, although he doesn't get any money because he earns above the threshold. I want it in my name because I work contracts so I can get NI contributions if I'm in between jobs. He keeps forgetting to cancel it so I can apply for it.
is there another way of getting this transferred to me?

User14567890 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:47:37

Maybe lost I'm tired of being angry. I hope it works out for you.

TheNaze73 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:52:06

This isn't financial abuse at all, it's a communication breakdown. Has he deviated on what you agreed to start with?

Counselling sounds like a great idea to get the lines of communication oiled again. Good luck

Cricrichan Tue 15-Nov-16 13:02:20

Ignore mancc.

And it is financial abuse. You got married and have a child together. Your finances and everything should be split fairly and it isn't. You're not a team and he's basically using you as an unpaid nanny, cleaner etc.

adora1 Tue 15-Nov-16 13:05:00

So he earns double what the OP earns but wants to split the finances 50/50 and they are married, and it's not financial abuse, what is it then?

He's made it pretty clear he resent his wife even seeing what he has by having a joint account and is resentful of the fact that she earns less and looks after their child, pretty horrendous in my book, this is not what I would call a marriage.

Joysmum Tue 15-Nov-16 13:08:53

In a relationship where both people value themselves equally, they wouldn't accept the valuation of employers as the value of each other in the relationship. Likewise, there's no way such embody who values their partner as their equal would be happy to be so much better off than their partner and see them struggling and having to ask for money hmm

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