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Husband texting women, sigh

(17 Posts)
jujo01 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:00:10

Hubby always very protective about his phone, but mistakenly gave away his PIN whilst sloshed (ha, ha). I had a look at his texts and Facebook texts (yes, they have those, convenient eh?) and he has been texting two women he used to go to school with - one more flirtatiously than the other - who he also secretly met for coffee last week. Not for want of trying with the other one though, he offered to cancel a work do he was scheduled to go to in order to meet her. I felt sick, although the texts didn't suggest an actual physical affair. Stewed on it for a couple of days, did lots of research on mumsnet, then went in hard last night, saying that I had read his texts and that he had one chance only to make a clean breast of it all. He tried to gaslight me first (very proficient at this, but now I'm wise to it) and finally admitted he was in the wrong, shouldn't have kept it secret etc, didn't want to lose me or our 17 year marriage, and what did he want me to do. So I said, no more contact, I want to see your phone, take off the passcode. Evening ended quite amicably, but I slept in the spare room. Had another spat this morning - I had drafted a short text which I wanted him to send 'My wife was not aware that I've been contacting you, she is understandably upset, there will be no further communication' - and he says, no worries, already sent a text like that! I said, but I asked you not to contact them without discussing it with me. He said, I'd already realised you'd seen the texts so I have told them that's it and deleted everything. I said, so you've covered your tracks then - and why didn't you tell me this last night when you had your one chance for a full and frank confession. Tried to gaslight (knew how you'd react etc). So said, hang on matey, this isn't about MY behaviour, it's about YOURS and you need to take responsibility. After further discussion, seemed to get to a place which seemed more positive, with plan to talk more later. So, hey ho. I have his phone. Checked it. There's a text from 'Spare' saying, oh sorry, but I feel like I've lost a friend, you know where I am if you ever need me. Interesting. Looked in contacts. 'Spare' is set up with no number. Did a bit more digging, managed to restore the contacts. Turns out, surprise surprise, 'Spare' is one of the 'deleted never to be contacted again' women. There is another odd looking contact called 'Sasha', which I've called and goes to voicemail. So, although I think I know the answer to all this, please let me have your thoughts. Please don't rant at me for being a stupid cow to not see what's in front of me. I am able to leave him financially if I decide to. My thoughts are that I probably need a break from him and be on my own to better decide the way forward. I love him and think he loves me, but I now can't trust him.

Wonkydonkey44 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:02:39

Oh this is so sad 😭

I think you know what you have to do . Without trust their is no relationship . Cut your losses and run x

Alfiemoon1 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:14:49

Didn't want to read and run but going through a similar thing at the moment with dh will reply when I get in but sending u big hugs

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 15-Nov-16 10:17:45

If there is no trust, there is no relationship.

I also think you need a break from him. At the very least he should be the one to move out of the marital home.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Nov-16 10:47:06

He sounds like a desperate sleaze!
And you 'love' this!
This is your life and your decision.
17 years is a long time.
Do you have kids?

adora1 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:52:22

I think once you get away from this embarrassment you will see things a lot more clearly, what a total slime ball and how disrespectful can he be to you, is like you are having to police an over excited puppy, just yuck, and yes have that break, show him you are not going to tolerate this crap, he's as trustworthy as Donald Trump.

Mommasoph30 Tue 15-Nov-16 11:31:48

what a slimeball

jujo01 Tue 15-Nov-16 13:48:42

Hellsbellsmelons - we have no children together, we have 3 between us. My adult stepson (21) lives with us.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Nov-16 14:43:17

What's the housing situation then?
Mortgaged together? Rented?
If 17 years I guess you own the house together.
That takes a bit more thought though.

leaveittothediva Tue 15-Nov-16 14:48:32

Why would we call you a stupid cow, he's the prize idiot messing up a seventeen year relationship. Do what's best for you. It's a sneaky situation, but I truly don't know what the hell is wrong with men, texting other women to meet up and he's probably monosylabic to you at home. What a joke.

jujo01 Tue 15-Nov-16 14:57:50

In respect of housing, we have a mortgage on the house. House is registered in his name only, so I am taking steps to register my legal interest - although I know in the event of a split it's 50:50.

Alfiemoon1 Sun 20-Nov-16 11:50:34

How are things op ?

DamePlata Sun 20-Nov-16 11:57:14

Wow, you sound very canny to the script.

I think the assertiveness you have shown is your best bet.

He's devalued you. He's not scared of losing you. He's gone in to 'fob her off with excuses' mode.

You're valuing yourself by keeping your bar high, calling bullshit.

i think time a part will show him you're not some dumb door mat who can be fobbed off. He either values you or you're off because you value yourself.

HuskyLover1 Sun 20-Nov-16 14:07:36

What was the content of the messages?

MotherFuckingChainsaw Sun 20-Nov-16 14:24:31

Oh dear, that's shite

As an aside, if he has a fingerprint unlock on the phone, program it to recognise yours, then if he changes his passcode you will still be able to access the phone (learned that one on here, thought it was evil genius )

anxiousnow Sun 20-Nov-16 18:38:46

Hi OP, was he using all app based messaging like fb or would it also be worth checking his phone bill?

Alfiemoon1 Tue 22-Nov-16 16:57:15

How's things op ?

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