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Need to process this somehow....

(20 Posts)
abyssiniam8 Tue 15-Nov-16 09:00:25

Just need to get this out, as I know that this is something that I definitely cannot discuss with any of my friends.

About 5 years ago, I met a guy who worked with my (at the time) dh. I will admit that right from the day we met, there was always just 'something' between us. I always felt so at ease around him, could talk to him about anything, and just connected, I don't know any other word to use to explain it. At the time, I was married and he was single (divorced). We would get together quite often for work events etc. One night about 3 years ago, he stayed over at our house, we stayed up all night talking.... and even though I didn't really want to admit it, it was very tempting to not take it further, but didn't. After all, I was married, although things weren't good in my marriage at that time, I was a firm believer in remaining faithful, so just put what I thought was a silly obsession and thoughts of him aside. I was not easy I admit. I did not, however, at any time discuss the fact that I wasn't too happy in my marriage. I felt it unfair to talk to him about it, seeing that he worked with ex-dh and they were quite good friends, so never talked about that part of my life with him.

Two years ago, he (quite out of the blue) got married. To a woman who he had dated some years before. They got back together and they announced the wedding only a few months after getting back together. I was quite surprized, but went along to the wedding, and wished them well, as you do.

After his wedding, I stopped talking to him so much, his wife wasn't too keen on us chatting, and they moved quite a distance away.

I contacted him recently, just to see if they were going to a mutual friends party that is quite an event, and we got chatting again like we used to. Since he got married, I got divorced, so now the situation is very much opposite to what it was when we met. He was single then and I was married. Although he knows of my marriage breakdown, he really hasn't said much about it the last year or so, again I thought due to his friendship with my ex (and I think that ex has said things to him about our breakup from his view, so a bit biased from the ex's side), and the fact that he is happily married...

The above is just to clarify how the situation is. The bit I am needing to get out, is the conversation that took place last week. A few messages went back and forth about party, and then he phoned me. We chatted a bit generally and then he said that deep down there is something he needed to say. He said that he feels he made a mistake getting married, was so sorry for not being there for me when I needed a friend in the past year, and did I remember the night he stayed over. Of course I did, as its played over in my mind for years now. He said that ever since we met, he tried to hold back as he felt such a strong connection with me, but could never show it or say anything, after all (he thought) I was 'happily' married. He asked me if I felt the same connection, to which I said yes. (I probably should have lied) He said that it was not easy for him then, he had never felt such a strong bond to someone before. He asked me if he thought things would be different now, had something happened between us that night. I honestly think it would be.

BUT, nothing did happen that night, and things are very different now. I said this to him, I really deep down and honestly think that he is the one that got away. It took me a long time to get him out of my mind before ( when I found out he was getting married I took it quite hard but just felt i was being selfish for feeling that way), and now here I am with this new information, I never knew that he felt that way about me too then... I really thought it was just me, I also thought I felt like that as he was always so nice to me, paid me attention etc, and there I was in a failing marriage, so anyone being that nice to me, of course I would deep down have some feelings towards them.

That was a bit of a waffle... if you got this far, thank you.

So now, here I am again... in the same situation. Such a heavy heart, and thoughts of 'what if'. But, he is married now, and the conversation we had was inappropriate for how things are now. I did say that to him, and he agreed.

So I will see him and his wife in a month. I don't even know how to react, I have a longing to see him, in fact all these emotions have flared up again, but I know it can never be. I won't be the reason for a marriage breakdown, I have been through that myself as that the reason my own marriage failed, and I will not put another woman in the situation I was in. I feel like I am in the middle of one of those ridiculous movies.... only I know it wont be the happy ending, how can it be....?

I need to suck this up and move on. It hard though.

Yoksha Tue 15-Nov-16 09:11:51

You've got to be careful here. You're vulnerable emotionally. You might like to google limerance. I think you'll make the dignified choice from how you present youre OP.

Someone with more constructive advice on the dynamics of this emotional turmoil will be along hopefully.

AgathaF Tue 15-Nov-16 09:13:37

You're right, you need to move on. He may at some point in the future separate from his wife, and then it would be a different ball game. But for now, keep it civil and keep a distance.

Cricrichan Tue 15-Nov-16 10:33:48

He's married, yet he's told you he shouldn't have gotten married and talked about a connection with you.

However, the two things are separate. If he's unhappy with his marriage and thinks he shouldn't have gotten married, then he should split up, regardless of whether you are or aren't in the picture. After all, you two didn't have a relationship so neither of you you know what kind of relationship you would have. And as we all know, it's only once you're in a relationship you realise what kind of match you are

abyssiniam8 Tue 15-Nov-16 13:17:42

Thanks for the responses.

Yes, I know I cannot make too much of this, its just difficult to digest, and to just forget about in a heartbeat.

After all, you two didn't have a relationship so neither of you you know what kind of relationship you would have. And as we all know, it's only once you're in a relationship you realise what kind of match you are

I agree with you Cric, I don't know this, and for now I need to keep reminding myself of this.

Life definitely does throw curve balls doesn't it.

Perhaps I am looking at it all wrong... I do believe that people enter our lives for a reason. Perhaps the reason he entered my life is not for the reason I thought. Maybe he gave me the push to stand up and face that my marriage was a shambles, a lie, I was married to a cheat, was being used and a door mat. In order to move on. Maybe that's how I should think of this.

I am glad that I posted, I think just getting it out and rereading things back, is very helpful. I tried to read it back as if it wasn't me posting, if that makes sense, so from an outsiders view.

pklme Tue 15-Nov-16 13:23:16

You sound like you have a good, sensible grasp of the situation. There are lots of positives to take from this, and you seem to have plenty of connections with each other so that if his situation changes you will know. You can't wait, though, you have to keep engaging in and fully enjoying your life as it now is.

abyssiniam8 Tue 15-Nov-16 13:39:52

You sound like you have a good, sensible grasp of the situation.

I thought I did, but now sitting here sobbing isn't helping.

Thank you pk, those are kind words.

I know I must just put this to the back of my mind. Its difficult though. I have a lot to look forward to over the next few months, family coming from overseas, Christmas, holidays. I will use this as a distraction, as I cannot go on feeling like I am today.... I feel quite ridiculous even saying it, but life seems unfair sometimes. I said it once now, and shall not again...

Onwards and upwards, as they say wink. At least its a morale booster if nothing else...

Thanks again everyone.

MagicSocks Tue 15-Nov-16 15:39:34

You sound very strong and sensible, I don't blame you for being thrown by this. Definitely agree with a PP that his regrets about the marriage are a separate issue and if that's the way he feels he should be dealing with that rather than confusing things with you. Not to say his feelings aren't genuine but his actions aren't exactly fair on anyone at the moment and that's what he needs to sort if he's a decent man.

Try to stay distracted, you're bound to feel very up and down about it but keep being steady and sensible because it sounds to me like it could all blow up in your face and you could get really hurt otherwise. If it's meant to be it will happen but now is not that time.

Bluntness100 Tue 15-Nov-16 15:46:04

Ah, this is hard. However to think uou would be the cause of a marriage breakdown is projecting, at most you could assume here is an affair. Assuming he would leave his wife for uou is a whole other ball game and that way lies heartache.

So do uou want to have an affair with him? If not, put this to the back of your mind. If he is not happy in his marriage he will leave. And then uou can get together. If he is happy in his marriage he will stay, irrelevant of whether uou sleep with him or not.


HuskyLover1 Tue 15-Nov-16 16:49:46

Oh gosh, this is hard! Firstly, you haven't done anything wrong, and if he leaves his wife, it is absolutely not your fault!

Do you think he was angling for an affair? Or trying to find out how you feel, as maybe he would exit his marriage if you have feelings for him? If it's the former, that's not good, but if it's the latter, I think in your shoes, I would be honest and tell him that you do feel the same, but make it clear that you will only date him once he is single again.

Life is very short. If he is unhappy in his marriage and is leaving her anyway, then I can't see why you two can't make a go of it.

It will be quite interesting to watch how he and his wife interact at the party. Does she appear unaware of his feelings....are they tactile etc.

abyssiniam8 Wed 16-Nov-16 06:38:08

Maybe he is angling for an affair Husky, I just don't know, but you know the saying, a man won't leave the comforts he has unless there is something to go to...

I haven't seen him with his wife for a while now, but what I do know is that when he is with her, he is very different from how I know him. She is a bit on the possessive side, and if he has a conversation with someone else, she will be on his arm, or will include herself in the conversation. He is much quieter than how he normally would be. I know that she would prefer it if I were not around, I have got that impression on more than one occasion. Silly little things, where I had had to step back and think, oh gosh he is married now.... we went to a Christmas party and his bow tie was skew, so I straightened it. Its just something I would have done as we had that sort of relationship. As I straightened she smacked my wrist and said, this is my fiancé (as it was just before their wedding) therefore I will sort out his tie. Yes, she was right but it just felt natural for me to do it iyswim. He just said something like, 'ladies stop fighting over my tie' to make light of a very awkward situation (that I had caused).

I think I am not going to post anymore about this now, as the more I do the more it is in the forefront of my mind. Everything that has been said here make a lot of sense, I am not sure how the party is going to go... I was going to be going on my own with my dc, but I think now that I might take someone along with me, I don't want to come across as having no-one to take as it might give out the wrong impression. I am happy enough to go without a "date" .... urgh now I have to think of who to ask....

Trifleorbust Wed 16-Nov-16 09:25:03

It sounds like you know that this would be wrong. It isn't his wife's fault that he is regretting his marriage (necessarily) or that he missed a window with you.

Some of the comments you make about her sound unfair to me. So she includes herself in conversations her DH is having - I do that. And I wouldn't like a close female friend of my DH straightening his tie either - a bit intimate. Sounds like her instincts about you are perfectly well-founded!

I am not trying to criticise here, but try to see it from her perspective.

If you want anything to happen with this man, the only 'right' way is for him to end his marriage on its own terms first.

noego Wed 16-Nov-16 09:35:18

HE needs to man up. If he is unhappy in his marriage he needs to face up to it and end it for both of their sakes. If after that he and you have feelings for each other and the bond is strong then what will happen will happen. You need to concentrate on your self first and foremost. If you are happy within your self then that is a good place to start. If he is happy in himself after ending his marriage then that is a good place to be. If you are happy and he is happy then you can be happy together. Getting together with someone because they make you happy is a a train crash waiting to happen. Why? Because no-one can make you happy 24/7. That your responsibility.

Bluntness100 Wed 16-Nov-16 09:35:19

I also think uou are being a bit unfair to the wife, even admitting uou caused the issue with the tie, uou still write it as if she did wrong. There is nothing wrong with her being with her husband, and I suspect uou are flirting with him if she would rather uou weren't there.

He's married, if he stops being married then fair enough, tell him to give uou a call then, but back away from the current course uour on, which is romantiscing this into something it's not, splitting up their marriage, something to leave for etc. Irrelevant of what he says, I'm sure you're old enough to know the whole my wife doesn't understand me line and how and why it's used.

adora1 Wed 16-Nov-16 11:54:52

He can give you any line he wants, and if you two were meant to be together you had plenty chances, you didn't.

All you need to know is hands off, he is a married man, his wife has already skelped you away from him, heed her, he's not available no matter what crap he tells you.

abyssiniam8 Sat 21-Jan-17 10:30:56

UPDATE (of sorts)

I know this is an old post from a few months back, so I hope its okay to post on it again.

I decided not to go to the party, and I stopped all contact with him after I posted this.

He contacted me again this year, it was for a work related issue. He told me that he went to the party, alone. He was disappointed that I wasn't there but understood why.

But so many co-incidences have occurred, its getting kind of creepy. I was thinking of him when my phone rang, and it was him. I keep seeing numbers all over the place, mileage on car, time, price tags... all with numbers on that relate to him. Go to see a customer, gives me his business card. I shit you not, the mans name is exactly the same name, except slightly different spelling in first name. Lots of things... its making it hard for me to forget him ONCE again. The reminders aren't even directly from him, its from all around me. FFS. I need to get a grip. Has anyone experienced this. Its all getting a bit woo now.... confused

hotwater Sat 21-Jan-17 10:42:35

I have experienced this. It is because he is on your mind that you make the connections, if he wasn't you wouldn't see them ifswim. I think you did the right thing not going to the party- he went alone sounds like he was hoping something would happen.

ChuckSnowballs Sat 21-Jan-17 10:55:11

He is married. End of.

LostSight Sat 21-Jan-17 10:56:36

Is his name especially uncommon? I can see why you are finding it tough, but it's more likely you are looking out for those things subconsciously and so you find them. There are milions of numbers around you all the time. How many price tags have you seen, how many times did you glance at the time that weren't reminders, so you passed over them?

There's a man from my distant past that I yearn over when I'm feeling melancholy. I turned him down, because it wasn't a good time for me. He met someone else and I waited to see if they would split up, but eventually, he married her. A friend told me at some point that the Man I yearned for had told him, the new woman would always be second best because he would never feel the same about anyone else as he'd felt about me.

I wish it hadn't happened, but I see things occasionally that relate to him. I don't know what his marriage is like, but I keep well away.

I think you've done the right thing. Maybe he will end his marriage and come back to you. But as you have said, you don't want to be part of that process. Stay strong. If it's going to happen, it will.

abyssiniam8 Sat 21-Jan-17 11:46:58

He is married. End of

Fully aware of that Chuck. It not like I am pursuing him, I just need to get off my chest what I cannot tell anyone irl.

Lost Its not a overly common name, no. Quite an old fashioned name for a man of his age, and the twin name man was a similar age to him.

hot and lost, I am relieved to hear that you can relate to what I am saying, I really am starting to think I am going slightly mad here. I think you are right, he is playing in my sub-conscious, hence everything seems to be relating.

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