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Sexless marriage

(9 Posts)
Phil12345 Tue 15-Nov-16 09:00:20


I'm not sure this is best place to ask advice, but I'm desperate.

I'm in my early 50s and have been married for over 20 years. We have two teenage children and life is generally good.

However, my wife has no interest in sex and hasn't had much for most of our married life. This year we've done it three times - the last time back in May. Before we were married, she couldn't get enough but as soon as we were married it started to going downhill.

Many a time over the years, I've tried to talk about this but she always has some excuse for it not being the right time - kids too young, worried about work, tired, ill, kids in the house - the list goes on. It's as if she can only have sex if the conditions are just right and, of course, they never are. I'm sure these are just excuses, though, and deep down there's another reason she's not interested. I've stopped trying to initiate sex because I can't cope with the constant rejection.

I feel my life is passing me by and I've been cheated out of a good sex life for the last 20-plus years. I don't want to leave my wife, as we are very happy in other ways but it feels like we're nothing more than a good team working together to bring up a family and run a home.

This is eating away at me and I have no one to turn to. Any advice would be welcome.


growapear Tue 15-Nov-16 09:04:40

You need to tell her how this is making you feel. I would counsel against telling her that you feel like your life has passed you by. Would your wife be surprised to hear how upset it makes you ? You've let it go for so long it seems hard to believe you haven't raised it before ? How did she react ?

Pearl372 Tue 15-Nov-16 09:17:56

I'm in the same boat, married 34 yr, sex has never been great.
It's wham bam thank you mam.
I've now given up, hoping it will improve.
As long as he's satisfied is all that matters.
He gives me a very occasional fumble, but it lasts only a few seconds.
I usually pleasure myself, when he's gone into the shower.
I've tried to spice it up, sussies, massages etc.
But to no avail.
Don't have the heart to tell him he's shit at sex.
He also had a affair which lasted 2 yr around 5 yrs ago.
According to the other woman he was great in bed.

Phil12345 Tue 15-Nov-16 09:20:15

I've tried to discuss it many times over the years but nothing changes. She says that we're 'normal'...

TheNaze73 Tue 15-Nov-16 14:39:58

So sorry to hear what you are going through OP.

What you are going through certainly isn't normal.

I can't remember who posted it but, I read a brilliant point last week, that sex is so important in a marriage & to be dismissed is inconsiderate to your feelings.

It really isn't normal op, you must have the patience of a saint. Just don't do anything rash

Gildedcage Tue 15-Nov-16 14:46:57

Well sex and chemistry are what separate marriage from friendship. Ultimately you are just good friends.

However why has it taken over 20 years for this issue to be raised? Have you mentioned it previously, and if so what was said. I would disagree that this is normal.

I imagine it's a very lonely way to exist.

leaveittothediva Tue 15-Nov-16 18:31:39

I hear what your saying and I empathize I really do. Things can change but only she has the ability to do this, if it was all good in the beginning, it can be again. You need to have a serious conversation with her about how this is making you feel. She needs to find out why she doesn't want it. Your children are teenagers, for goodness sake, she's can't manage it because of them. Unless it's medical, that's nonsense. I'm sure you sort out your own needs, but you need to realize that this may be your lot in life if you don't give her some kind of indication that you are not a happy camper. I mean if you seriously asked her, what do you think she could manage, once a month, that could be a start. A relationship needs to be mutually beneficial, if not what's the point. At least if you get it all out in the open, you can once and for all find out if you will ever have the sex life you want again. Tread carefully though, things may get tough. Sometimes all we need to do is change out thought process on something and it begins to work. I'm not denigrating your wife, I actually know something about the way she may feel, and she can turn it around. Good luck.

RainbowBriteRules Tue 15-Nov-16 18:55:49

As PPs have said, things can change (not so extreme, but I am much, much more interested in sex than I used to be). Have you talked really seriously about it? If the other partner doesn't want to change that may not be fixable though. Does she get any time to herself? Is she happy in the relationship do you think?

Joysmum Tue 15-Nov-16 19:01:20

Have you asked, if all those things were right, if she'd want sex and if so how often?

I think there's a big difference between not wanting sex and so making up excuses, or wanting sex and there genuinely being reasons why it's not happening. You need to find out which it is.

If she genuinely wants sex but there are reasons why this isn't happening, then you can both start to work through some solutions. It may be hard for her to say her reasons though but you deserve the truth.

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