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Should I go to a refuge?

(12 Posts)
chocsandtwirls Tue 15-Nov-16 07:20:57

I'm in an EA relationship and we have a 4.5 month baby together. I've spoken to women's aid and my local DA charity. I've been trying leave the relationship but have been made to feel bad for it and stayed. I'm still trying to leave, I just feel like maybe I'm over reacting though? There's been suggestion of refuges and I am wary of how he will react when he finally realises we aren't together but I'm not sure if I'd need a refuge. I'm just so confused about how I feel. Reading through some of the stories I don't feel like mine is half as bad even though I am miserable.
Just needed to say how I feel as don't have anyone to talk to about it

PoldarksBreeches Tue 15-Nov-16 07:40:02

Refuge is an extreme step. Emotional abuse can be an indicator of potential physical abuse but to be honest if he hasn't been physically abusive I don't think a refuge is necessary. Are you thinking that you want to move where he won't find you? Because he will probably want contact with his child and in the absence of evidence of abuse you may find that he gets it.
Do you need to get practical and emotional support with leaving? Women's aid can help with that.

Iamdobby63 Tue 15-Nov-16 08:34:40

Who makes you feel bad, DP?

What are your living arrangements, do you rent or own your property? Are you married?

EA should never be downplayed and you are absolutely right to seek ways of removing yourself from the relationship. I believe as your baby is so young you can insist he has supervised access with you in a different room, should he wish to see the baby.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 15-Nov-16 08:53:14

You should never ever put up with any kind of abuse.
That's the crux of it.
Could you go somewhere else?
Would your family or friends support you?
Who is making you feel bad?
When speaking with WA and local DV services have they suggested you need to go to a refuge?
If so then it's probably really bad EA and they want you and your DC to be away from it asap.
Could you get to CAB to talk to them to see what you would be entitled to?
Housing, benefits, etc....

Bluntness100 Tue 15-Nov-16 08:56:05

Hi, maybe uou can explain more? I'd agree a refuge is when you have to get out and have no place else to go, do uou have to get out and have no place else to go? Or can you make your own plans to leave him and simply end the Relationship?

Summerlovinf Tue 15-Nov-16 08:58:59

Could be a useful and safe stepping stone for you before you get your own place. EA can be as damaging and distressing as physical abuse. You are not over-reacting.

user1477282676 Tue 15-Nov-16 09:01:24

Poldark emotional abuse can result in women being unable to care for themselves properly and if OP has nowhere else to go, then it's not extreme.

PoldarksBreeches Tue 15-Nov-16 10:07:08

user I am thinking about the impact on the op and potentially her children if she has any. Refuge is highly disruptive and destabilising to families and whilst it is the best/only option to keep women and children safe sometimes, but if a separation can be managed without this step then that is better for the victims.
If the op is not in fear of physical harm then it may be that she can leave safely with support without having to go into a refuge. That option is worth exploring.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret Tue 15-Nov-16 10:10:56

Anyone who is making you feel bad about leaving isn't thinking about you and your DC are they.

chocsandtwirls Tue 15-Nov-16 11:06:25

I've just spoke with WA again as my head was becoming clouded and I was unsure if it was that bad. She told me it was definite emotional abuse and I shouldn't stick around to see if he was capable of physical abuse.

DP makes me feel bad and guilt trips me. Last time he sobbed and he never cries! Promised to get help as he says he has low self esteem and hates himself but been putting it off!
We rent on a joint tenancy and not married.

My family aren't that supportive even though they know as I've told them. I don't think they get it. My mum made it clear she doesn't want me back as I'd never get a house of the council. But tbh I don't really care about a council house atm and if I can/can't get one. None of my friends know what's going on. Don't feel like I can tell them.
Spoke to my HV yesterday as she came round and she suggested a refuge as she said I'd get more support and help there rather than filing homelessness. I also mentioned I was scared of him as I didn't know how he would react to me leaving. Didn't know if he would stalk/get violent. I have spoken to CAB they gave me helpful advice.


I could private rent but as OH works in housing industry he knows most of the estate agents and has a lot of friends who work in them so wary he could influence them and find out where I lived quite easily.

I have a 4.5 month old baby with OH. Do you have experience in a refuge?

Iamdobby63 Tue 15-Nov-16 14:15:26

It seems that you have little other alternative at the moment but to go to the refuge, if your Mum won't help and you feel he would find you easily if you rented something else.

A refuge would be an inbetween step though so you will still have to either wait for a council place or rent again.

Did CAB advise you on how to get out of the joint tenancy?

Please don't downplay EA it's very real and can be as damaging as any other form of abuse.

chocsandtwirls Tue 15-Nov-16 14:44:15

Only worry with a refuge is I probably wouldn't be close to friends and even though my mum won't have me she she does help out with my son now and then. So stuck on what to do.

No CAB didn't advise how to get out of it. I think I need to look into it. Originally I wanted to stay in the house but it's to expensive and I think I'd feel unsettled knowing he knows where I would be.

Thank you I guess I just see worse cases and think it's not that bad but I probably can't see the damage fully until I am out of it.

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