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I am SO inexperienced...

(86 Posts)
amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 01:11:59

My husband left me a few months ago. Having been with him four years and years, and having never had any other relationships at all, I am ridiculously inexperienced, so I could do with some advice, even though I know this makes me sound ridiculously childish.

There is a guy, a really great guy, and I've fallen for him. But now I don't know what to do with myself at all. I'm terrified that if I say something to him about my feelings, he'll distance himself from me or pity me, and while we're not close friends, I can't bear the thought of losing his friendship. Yet at the same time, what if by not saying something I'm missing out on what could've been something great?

How should I approach this? Is there any possible way to handle this without messing things up?

Sorry for sounding likea silly teenager, but despite being much older, this is all completely new.

SandyY2K Tue 15-Nov-16 01:35:53

What level is your friendship right now? Do you text or call each other? FB friends?

Do you know if he's single?

I don't know how comfortable you'd be asking him if he had a GF... then see what he says. That might be enough of a hint.

Just be yourself. Don't put on a show and falsely present yourself.

user1469928875 Tue 15-Nov-16 01:55:51

I always think - what's the worst that could happen? The worst thing is he isn't interested. But if that happens it wouldn't be the end of the world - friendship could be salvaged i bet and you wouldn't waste time on feelings for him anymore. Or he might feel the same! Life is very very short - go get some experience go for it! flowers

Mittensonastring Tue 15-Nov-16 02:07:57

You don't need to confess feelings at such an early stage a causal fancy a coffee or drinks invite sometime will do. Put out feelers first to see if he is single, sort if what are your oka s for weekend or Christmas type of general enquiry.

Mittensonastring Tue 15-Nov-16 02:08:30

That should read plans, no idea what okas are

goddessofsmallthings Tue 15-Nov-16 02:14:07

How did you come to meet this 'really great guy'?

Are there any specific interests that you have in common, love of cinema, art/other exhibitions, sport, dining out? If so, ask him if he's available to attend an event/restaurant with you.

Keep it casual, make it an off the cuff invitation, and on no account should you reveal your feelings to him until he declares his by making it clear that he is romantically interested in you.

PS If he agrees to go out with you, resist the temptation to jump his bones on the first date. smile.

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 12:24:56

Lol* Goddessofsmallthings*!!!

I'm terrified of outing myself if I'm honest.

I've known him many years, had a crush on him before I even met my husband, he was out of my mind for a long time though. We mix in close circles, similar to if we worked together to be honest, but in a social context instead, we chat in that contract with everyone else, and although we have shared transport for events etc, we've never done anything specifically together, just utilised resources like car sharing.

He is definitely single and had been so for a long time, so long in fact that I know some people wonder about his sexuality.

I think what has brought this on is that he won't be living in this area for much longer, and whilst wanting the best for him of course, I am going to miss him so so much, and it's the fact that he'll be moving on as a friend that is making me see how I feel. I definitely consider him a friend and before this had come on, I would've said that I care about him and his friendship, but I genuinely don't know whether he'd consider me a friend, or just a person he knows.

Please if this does put me to anyone, I would appreciate it massively if they would let me know, I'm ridiculously paranoid!

Aren't I ridiculous! confused

ravenmum Tue 15-Nov-16 13:38:35

Well, if he's moving anyway I'd be tempted to heat things up a bit ... if you mess it up you won't have to see him!

I think that what puts people off about a "confession of feelings" is when it seems to go from zero to everlasting love all in one conversation. How about starting off with some mild flirting, see how that goes, then asking him if he fancies a coffee, making the conversation more personal, then if that seems to get a good response, telling him about something you'd like to do and asking if he'll join you. At any point you can step back if he seems uncomfortable - and there is nothing embarrassing about asking someone out or flirting with them, as long as you don't fall down on one knee at any point.

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 13:52:10

Lol! If I ever fall down on one knee, it certainly isn't deliberate.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 15-Nov-16 13:57:36

You're not ridiculous - you're infatuated with a guy who may or may not be gay grin

From what you've said, it's difficult to assess whether he sees you as a particular friend or as part of 'the crowd' that he mixes with on occasion.

Does "moving away" mean that you won't see him again or will your paths continue to cross in the 'close circles' you mix in?

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 14:01:39

Part of the problem is, if I do mess things up, although he won't be there, everyone else will. I am a bit flirty with him, and I know that's been picked up by some other people and yet he's not said anything, which worries me. He makes me smile though and I can't help it.

I notice him looking at me quite a bit, but of course that means I'm looking at him too so I have no idea whether he's actually looking at me or just thinking "why does she keep looking at me"... We went on a course together a while back, something I'd done before but he hadn't so although I knew others there, he didn't, and so he did spend a lot of time with me, he sat next to me on all of the actual sessions, but then whenever they get you to do physical things with people, we'd both go off and find others, so was he avoiding touch because he specifically doesn't want me to get the wrong idea

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 14:03:50

Damn, pressed post too soon.

Was he avoiding touch so that I don't get the wrong impression or because he actually did like me... Like I say I know it all makes me sound like a silly kid, but I'm really not confident at all.

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 14:06:30

I'm not really worried about making a fool of myself as such, but more that he might be embarrassed.

MagicSocks Tue 15-Nov-16 15:04:01

Ooh difficult to know what the best thing to suggest is but maybe you could try to initiate a bit more one to one time, something like inviting him to your place for a meal? You needn't make it a date but it would be a strong enough hint that you could then gauge his reaction to that and see if it might be worth taking further. Fwiw if he has been single that long, he might just not be the relationship type though.

MagicSocks Tue 15-Nov-16 15:05:31

Apart from the looking at there anything else that makes you think he might like you as more than a friend? When you flirt a bit, does he respond warmly or does he tend to ignore it?

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 15:21:11

Yeah may or may not be gay... Lol I'm not nuts at all! Ha!

Sorry I've only just seen your post. We may cross paths every few months, but not multiple times a week as at present.

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 15:24:22

I'm not sure about him not being the relationship type, he did say a while ago about how much harder things can be without someone to share it with (in context of me saying it probably makes it easier because he doesn't have to worry about the impact on another person). And in all seriousness, I don't really think he's actually gay, but you know, people tend to joke about things like that when people are single a long time don't they. Of course if he was gay, it wouldn't affect me caring about his friendship one little bit.

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 15:25:25

Magicsocks he's a really warm friendly person anyway, likes a joke and a bit of innuendo, so he's always been a little flirtatious.

FinallyHere Tue 15-Nov-16 15:37:06

I'd agree that this seems a low risk way forward, to a nite him for a coffee and see how it goes from there.

One thing to think about though, is whether there is any chance that you follow a pattern of being more interested in things that you can't have. Please ignore this if its a one off, just ask yourself why you haven't done anything about following up your feelings sooner? All the best.

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 15:48:26

I've questioned my feelings many times over the last few weeks. I think actually that the fact he's leaving has made me see what I'll lose when I've probably not allowed myself to realise the depths of my feelings before, does that make sense?

I think if I do anything like just invite for coffee etc it would look so obviously like a change to how we usually are that it would be fairly obvious. If nothing else, I'd really love to be able to support him as he prepares for moving away etc, but being so nervous of the whole situation, I'm struggling even to offer that.

I know I'm not helping myself. I'm one of these people that things never go right four though so I just can't bring myself to be hopeful.

OldBootNewBoots Tue 15-Nov-16 15:54:55

Surely you want it to be fairly obvious - if he says he's busy and having a crazy week and makes no alternative suggestions, that's the polite face saving brush off, no? And then you carry on 'as normal'. I'd risk it, if things don't go right for you, maybe you're just not chucking enough balls at the wall smile

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 16:30:12

Maybe, gosh .. Men

SandyY2K Tue 15-Nov-16 16:59:55

I was going to suggest asking him out to dinner/coffee and say you'd like to treat him as he's leaving.

If that's too difficult, then I don't know what to suggest. I'm also wondering why this guy has been single for so long.

OldBootNewBoots Tue 15-Nov-16 17:01:23

Doesn't always have to be ominous - DH has a couple of long term single friends who have coupled up in the last 2 years. Nothing ventured etc...

amammabear Tue 15-Nov-16 17:05:29

To be honest, I think it's just a question of a lack of options amongst our social group especially within our age range. We're quite an insular bunch in many ways as we spend so much of our time doing things within the organisation that we don't have a wide field, we'd always want someone understanding of the way we think and do things (think scouting and you won't be far wrong, lots of voluntary stuff, fundraising, social stuff together etc, takes up most weekend and a lot of evenings.).

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