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DH begged me to have DC, now I am doing it all by myself

(3 Posts)
janglejangle Mon 14-Nov-16 22:56:56

I have a painful, life-limiting illness which gets better and relapses cyclically but which will ultimately kill me when I am around 60 years old.
On top of this, I've always had terrible anxiety issues, possibly caused by the illness. I cannot remember when I was last relaxed. Most moments are filled with angst. I am in longterm therapy and have been on and off anti-depressants.

I always wanted to have children but had decided against it before I met DH due to my mental and physical health. When we met, DH BEGGED me to have DC. He promised that he understood my problems and that we would do it together and he would pick up the slack with regard to my problems, physically and emotionally.

As you can see from the title, this hasn't happened. In fact, the opposite has happened. DH is hardly ever home. I am bringing up two children by myself. It's a mixture of work/hobbies/travel that he is away with. Often the boundaries are crossed between the three, so it's hard to tell what he is doing out of obligation or duty to work and what he is doing out of enjoyment. Which leaves me never being able to talk to him properly or get an honest answer out of him.

Anytime I tell him he has gone back on his promise, he either says that circumstances have changed (i.e. his work has got busier and we need the money now we have two children. He also argues that my health problems cause extra costs - adaptable things for the car, expensive medicines.) Or he tells me that he actually is around but I don't give him credit for it. He isn't.

I'm exhausted and ill looking after my two DC (2.5 and 5mo.) DH can be away for weeks at a time (maximum has been 5 weeks, but frequently.) When he is here I hardly see him more than that. We sleep in the same bed about 2 nights a week when he is in the country. The rest of the time he works late and comes in when I am getting up with a DC at 4 or 5am.

I'm stuck now. I rely on the money he brings in. I couldn't work more than part time with 2 young DC to look after, maybe more when they are older, but even then I will have been out of my area of work long enough to have lost touch, as it's an industry which moves very quickly.

Before I had DH I had it all sorted. I was living in a rental I could afford and working from home. I could choose how much I worked, lie down if I needed to, arrange meetings for when I felt well, rather than within office hours. I had decided not to have any dependents so I could look after myself properly and have good quality of life. Now I have no quality of life.

I am so angry and resentful of him.

If I left him, he would try to withhold money and I imagine I'd be up shit creek, unemployed and living off benefits with two DC.

Please talk some sense into me.

TheSnowFairy Mon 14-Nov-16 23:53:50

No advice other than to say caring for young children is hard work even when you are well and your partner helps out - must be very difficult for you.

Hope things get easier for you flowers

category12 Tue 15-Nov-16 06:30:46

Well, I would check out what you might be entitled to in benefits, you're married so any assets of the marriage you would have claim on, and you can check the cms calculator to work out his minimum payments for child support. Then think about options for childcare, flexible working, that sort of thing. Arm yourself with knowledge and options. And remember your outgoings as a household would drop somewhat without a bloke.

Then, knowing exactly what your position would be, you can make a decision. Personally it doesn't sound like his contribution outweighs the resentment and I would be leaning toward going it alone. Since essentially you are, practically if not financially. (I would continue to work so you don't end up out of touch with your industry.)

It can't really be much worse, can it? And at least you would be in control.

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