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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I let him dip in and out of their life?

70 replies

onanotherday · 14/11/2016 22:44

Posted before...long story short. Sbxh after a very difficult 4 years of him coming and going...he finally went a year ago to live abroad. MH issues etc...he has put us through the ringer...but still care and miss him. DD has really pined for him. He unexpectedly returned to the UK and initally said he was here until January. .so assumed he'd be around for a few visits and Christmas. So he phoned me tonight and said due to work is leaving again on Saturday and could dc's have day off this week to spend with him....I'm stuck between saying yes as they really miss him but worry about this being more unsettling. What would you wise mners do?

OP posts:

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Myusernameismyusername · 14/11/2016 22:45

How old are kids?
If very little I would probably just forget to call him back...

PickAChew · 14/11/2016 22:48

I would never make them any promises about anything to do with him. If he shows, ever, it's a surprise for them. If they're not anticipating his attention, they'll not know any better. They will, one day, stop being excited about those appearances, as they rarely happen.

Costacoffeeplease · 14/11/2016 22:49

A day off school? Surely not

HandyWoman · 14/11/2016 22:52

Er, nope.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2016 22:53

Nope

And nope again

onanotherday · 14/11/2016 22:58

They are 13 and 15. So you think no? They were expecting to see him. Just not expecting him to disappear. Why do you think it's a bad idea...I need to be clear in my mind...I know my own feelings get stirred up and I find want to let that colour my judgement.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/11/2016 23:00

A day off school ? Nope.

Facilitate him drifting in and out of their lives ? Nope.

Myusernameismyusername · 14/11/2016 23:04

It's because he isn't prioritising them at all.
What if you let them stay off and he doesn't even turn up?
Also if you let him now he will just keep doing it

Whensmyturn · 14/11/2016 23:04

Yes. It won't do that much harm to miss some school and they will resent you for preventing it otherwise.

MrsRhettButler · 14/11/2016 23:10

I'd let them stay off purely for the fact that they're teenagers and want to see him.

Inthenick · 14/11/2016 23:14

I think at this stage if it's important to them to see him I would facilitate it. They surely have cottoned on to what he is like but they still love him and making it hard for them to see him is not in their best interest at this stage.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 14/11/2016 23:18

Yes 100% they should take the day and spend it with him. You never know what's round the corner: seize the moment while he is here. People aren't automatons and if all he can manage is sporadic contact, that's still better than nothing.

HeddaGarbled · 14/11/2016 23:18

He can see them after school. They don't need a day off.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 14/11/2016 23:23

Oh and I am really serious about education so taking a day off isn't something I would do lightly.

PickAChew · 14/11/2016 23:28

At 13 and 15 I'd be honest that he'll show when he shows.

And a day off school for a feckless no hoper? Fuck that. He can wait for them to be done with the day which might keep them on the path to being less useless than he is and he can take them out for hot chocolate and doughnuts afterwards.

AnyFucker · 14/11/2016 23:33

Taking time off school is just reinforcing to teenagers that being a feckless no mark gets you rewards in life

Don't be an enabling handmaiden for this man. Show your kids that putting yourself out making and the effort is the reward.

He sees them after school or at weekend or not at all. Would you risk a fine from the LEA for this pillock ? Christ, no.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/11/2016 23:39

When did he return to the UK and what contact does he have with the dc when he's working abroad?

It's unreasonable for him to expect the dc to cut school because it suits him for them to do so, and I suggest you tell him that he can take them out for a meal on Friday evening when there'll be no need to worry about getting up early if they're late home.

onanotherday · 14/11/2016 23:39

Yep I hear you. but as he is travelling 200 miles to see them he would be leaving to go back same day so very short visit. ..good AF. ..so right he is a pillock.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/11/2016 23:41

Why is he so short of time if he is travelling so far ? I don't believe a word he says. So much for prioritising time with his kids, eh ?

goddessofsmallthings · 14/11/2016 23:45

He can travel 200 miles to arrive c3.30pm in order to spend, say 3-4 hours with the dc in a restaurant/pizzeria and then get the train/drive back.

PickAChew · 14/11/2016 23:47

200 miles is not that far. London is more than 200 miles from where I live. he can show some bloody respect for their daily routines.

PickAChew · 14/11/2016 23:48

Which one of you would be paying the fine for an unauthorised day off school, btw? It wouldn't be him, of course.

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onanotherday · 14/11/2016 23:49

Haha ...and he wants a lift from the station!! yep kids in school and taxi for one.

OP posts:

Myusernameismyusername · 14/11/2016 23:49

He gets better!

AnyFucker · 14/11/2016 23:50

Just tell him to Fuck off

The bloke is a piss taker

Honestly, anyone enabling this shit wants their bloody bumps felt

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