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Should I let him dip in and out of their life?

(71 Posts)
onanotherday Mon 14-Nov-16 22:44:22

Posted before...long story short. Sbxh after a very difficult 4 years of him coming and going...he finally went a year ago to live abroad. MH issues etc...he has put us through the ringer...but still care and miss him. DD has really pined for him. He unexpectedly returned to the UK and initally said he was here until January. .so assumed he'd be around for a few visits and Christmas. So he phoned me tonight and said due to work is leaving again on Saturday and could dc's have day off this week to spend with him....I'm stuck between saying yes as they really miss him but worry about this being more unsettling. What would you wise mners do?

Myusernameismyusername Mon 14-Nov-16 22:45:36

How old are kids?
If very little I would probably just forget to call him back...

PickAChew Mon 14-Nov-16 22:48:46

I would never make them any promises about anything to do with him. If he shows, ever, it's a surprise for them. If they're not anticipating his attention, they'll not know any better. They will, one day, stop being excited about those appearances, as they rarely happen.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 14-Nov-16 22:49:58

A day off school? Surely not

HandyWoman Mon 14-Nov-16 22:52:06

Er, nope.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 22:53:11

Nope

And nope again

onanotherday Mon 14-Nov-16 22:58:54

They are 13 and 15. So you think no? They were expecting to see him. Just not expecting him to disappear. Why do you think it's a bad idea...I need to be clear in my mind...I know my own feelings get stirred up and I find want to let that colour my judgement.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 23:00:38

A day off school ? Nope.

Facilitate him drifting in and out of their lives ? Nope.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 14-Nov-16 23:04:33

It's because he isn't prioritising them at all.
What if you let them stay off and he doesn't even turn up?
Also if you let him now he will just keep doing it

Whensmyturn Mon 14-Nov-16 23:04:42

Yes. It won't do that much harm to miss some school and they will resent you for preventing it otherwise.

MrsRhettButler Mon 14-Nov-16 23:10:00

I'd let them stay off purely for the fact that they're teenagers and want to see him.

Inthenick Mon 14-Nov-16 23:14:08

I think at this stage if it's important to them to see him I would facilitate it. They surely have cottoned on to what he is like but they still love him and making it hard for them to see him is not in their best interest at this stage.

WorkingItOutAsIGo Mon 14-Nov-16 23:18:09

Yes 100% they should take the day and spend it with him. You never know what's round the corner: seize the moment while he is here. People aren't automatons and if all he can manage is sporadic contact, that's still better than nothing.

HeddaGarbled Mon 14-Nov-16 23:18:48

He can see them after school. They don't need a day off.

WorkingItOutAsIGo Mon 14-Nov-16 23:23:40

Oh and I am really serious about education so taking a day off isn't something I would do lightly.

PickAChew Mon 14-Nov-16 23:28:54

At 13 and 15 I'd be honest that he'll show when he shows.

And a day off school for a feckless no hoper? Fuck that. He can wait for them to be done with the day which might keep them on the path to being less useless than he is and he can take them out for hot chocolate and doughnuts afterwards.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 23:33:08

Taking time off school is just reinforcing to teenagers that being a feckless no mark gets you rewards in life

Don't be an enabling handmaiden for this man. Show your kids that putting yourself out making and the effort is the reward.

He sees them after school or at weekend or not at all. Would you risk a fine from the LEA for this pillock ? Christ, no.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 14-Nov-16 23:39:04

When did he return to the UK and what contact does he have with the dc when he's working abroad?

It's unreasonable for him to expect the dc to cut school because it suits him for them to do so, and I suggest you tell him that he can take them out for a meal on Friday evening when there'll be no need to worry about getting up early if they're late home.

onanotherday Mon 14-Nov-16 23:39:28

Yep I hear you. but as he is travelling 200 miles to see them he would be leaving to go back same day so very short visit. ..good AF. ..so right he is a pillock.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 23:41:15

Why is he so short of time if he is travelling so far ? I don't believe a word he says. So much for prioritising time with his kids, eh ?

goddessofsmallthings Mon 14-Nov-16 23:45:35

He can travel 200 miles to arrive c3.30pm in order to spend, say 3-4 hours with the dc in a restaurant/pizzeria and then get the train/drive back.

PickAChew Mon 14-Nov-16 23:47:06

200 miles is not that far. London is more than 200 miles from where I live. he can show some bloody respect for their daily routines.

PickAChew Mon 14-Nov-16 23:48:50

Which one of you would be paying the fine for an unauthorised day off school, btw? It wouldn't be him, of course.

onanotherday Mon 14-Nov-16 23:49:12

Haha ...and he wants a lift from the station!! yep kids in school and taxi for one.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 14-Nov-16 23:49:44

He gets better!

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