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Feeling a bit crap about ex situ... Help!

(10 Posts)
Bleurghghghgh Mon 14-Nov-16 20:28:07

NCed for this

Met 2-3 years ago, started on the 'FWB' scenario as neither of us actively wanted a relationship. This evolved into an actual R and we were happily together for a year

Split up as he found me ;too much' (was going through various MH things at the time and don't blame him at all)

Got back in touch around 3 months later, ended up falling back into the original setup

Fell out majorly over christmas due to my drinking - had a huge row, I was genuinely disgusting. I tried to reach out to him over this and he said he'd already forgiven me but now was not the time for us to be together as we were both struggling with outside things

No contact for 6 months. This summer we got back in touch, started having sex just to have sex. I was upset about this more than I was letting on but never gave him this impression and things were 'fine'.

Fell out a couple of months ago over a silly argument which was kind of brought about due to us both pretending not to care. I emailed a week later saying I'll always respect him but that's it now

He got back in touch saying it was sad that everything was so final and he had regrets. We ended up speaking by phone. it was nice. He acknowledged that he'd been trying to make it as non coupley as possibe. I said that evidently doesn't work with us. No final agreement made, left open.

He came round this weekend and we had the most coupley weekend we have for ages. He was nice, I was nice, we both had a nice time.

Now I need the confidence to a) tell him I want to try again or b) just stop this because it's not good. Maybe both.

For the record, since we actually split up two years ago I've not said I want it so he's not necessarily playing me. In fact I've tried to be as coy and cool as possible, which is the habit I'm now in. I kind of want him to deal with this...


Both mid 20s and no children, for reference.

I don't know if I need to man up, some moral support or to get a kicking so I'll let you lot decide

Bleurghghghgh Mon 14-Nov-16 20:39:52

Apologies for the essay... also bump

NarcsBegone Mon 14-Nov-16 20:40:11

Firstly you should probably ask for this to be moved to relationships.

It sounds exhausting! You obviously want a relationship with him but both seem to have got caught up in this game of pretending you're ok with just fwb.
I just be honest with him about what you want but to do that you need to know what that is in the first place and it needs to be independent of what his reaction would be iyswim.

Bleurghghghgh Mon 14-Nov-16 20:50:40

Thank you, Narcs, I've reported my post and asked for it to be moved

I agree that that is what I need to do but I can't get the confidence to do it... I need more weekends like this, I think, which I know isn't independent of him... Examples of things that have made me worse this weekend: (warning, very very immature)

I fell asleep on him on the sofa in his lap on Saturday night. I brought this up casually when he'd left last night and we were texting and he said 'that was nice' I asked why and he said 'it was just peaceful'. Today in the middle of a conversation, my actual feelings basically trying to burst out I messaged 'weekend was nice' and he said 'it really, really was' and then I didn't know what to say so just moved back to the conversation we were having previously

God I sound pathetic!

NarcsBegone Mon 14-Nov-16 21:49:15

lol I am very very jaded generally but I did a little 'aww'!
Communication is the key! If he liked the closeness (from what you say he did) and you liked it and your general feeling is that a relationship (a proper one) is something that you would like then simply communicate about it. You've made a brave start already by referencing this last weekend so just move forward with that. What do you have to lose? Deciding that you are going to embark on a relationship doesn't mean that you immediately get massively serious and spend all your time together. It's just an understanding that you have a commitment to each other (whatever that may be - to be arranged between you) and a deeper connection than fuck buddies.
All this aside you mentioned your MH and drinking and you need to be sure that this is a good place for you to be doing this right now. Equally he needs to be sure that he's making the right decision.
Do you have people in real life you can talk to about this?

NarcsBegone Mon 14-Nov-16 21:50:20

I may disappear but will check in tomorrow. I hope others will be along once this is moved :-)

Bleurghghghgh Tue 15-Nov-16 19:26:01

Thanks, Narcs. I'm very anxious generally and this situation seems to really bring it out in my! I'm just so scared of rejection.

I have one friend who I vent to about it (who doesn't seem to mind!) but she's very poorly at the mo so I don't want to pile all my crap on her too.

In other news, we've barely texted today so I don't know if he's cooling off or what...

Bleurghghghgh Tue 15-Nov-16 19:26:18

I'm constantly second guessing myself!

Bleurghghghgh Tue 15-Nov-16 21:20:22


Angleshades Tue 15-Nov-16 21:35:35

Sounds like you need to lay your cards on the table or the game playing is going to eat you up and leave you in a bad place. Tell him how you feel and exactly what you want from him. Then leave it to him to decide if he's ready to be with you on your terms. If he's not then walk away and find someone else or focus on being happy by yourself.

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