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Am I making a mistake?

(40 Posts)
loulou1626 Mon 14-Nov-16 20:12:33

Posted a few times this year regarding my partner of five years leaving me during a planned pregnancy and basically turning into a monster. Fast forward to now, my gorgeous baby boy is a month old and I am absolutely in love with him. Things are still tough but we're both doing very well and I have great support. I've not had any contact with my ex since April and did not contact him after the birth, though he would know that the baby had been born, and the baby has been resgistered without my ex's name on the birth certificate.

I've recently been contacted by his sister, firstly asking how I am and if i'd had the baby yet, she loved and missed me, was desperate to know if we were okay etc, I did reply just to say that we were fine but that I'd appreciate it if she didn't keep messaging me as there were a few sent and I just wanted to get on with my life, to which she got quite angry and upset and started talking about how hard it was for her, that I was out of order for not letting her see the baby because I wasn't over her brother (bearing in mind I'd never actually said she couldn't) and that she just wanted to know the baby and wanted her sons (three year old twins) to know him too. I became furious and responded out of fury and told her that any issues she had should be taken up with her brother, and that she clearly didn't care about me or the baby as all she was talking about was herself and trying to put the blame on me without any regard to the absolute hell me and my family have been through and her saying that my ex's actions shouldn't impact on her having a relationship with the baby just proved her lack of understanding of the consequences of what my ex had done. In addition, my ex still has a relationship with her sons and I personally feel that for my son to have a relationship with her and the boys while my ex is still a prominent part in their lives but obviously wants nothing to do with his own son would be beyond damaging. He parades around like the proud uncle but has done nothing for the baby and shown absolutely no interest and his sister doesn't seem to understand the problem with that or why I have such an issue with her still being close to him and expecting a relationship with my son. I truly resent my ex for doing that, especially because I still seem to keep having to take responsibility for his mistakes in terms of our situation.

Anyway, because I'm so fed up of being held responsible, because so many of her remarks infuriated me, because she clearly doesn't know half of what she thinks she does in regards to the situation, because I'm not actually an asshole, I said I would meet with her tomorrow to talk. I don't blame her for any of my ex's actions nor do I want to deny my son anything, but I honestly do not see any good coming of him having one with her. I just can't imagine having him ask me why his auntie wanted to know but his dad didn't but still likes seeing his nephews; the very thought makes me sick.

I feel like I'm only doing this out of guilt, out of lingering care for her as we were close before the break up and because I just want to actually have my say and tell someone on his side of things the real version of things, the real impact of his actions, but I'm starting to have second thoughts about meeting her, not only for the reasons that I've said but because of what fresh hell this might instigate in terms of my ex or god knows what else. I miss her and wish things weren't like this but they are and I'm just so fed up of feeling responsible when I'm not, but I just cannot see how this would ever work.

Am I making a mistake in meeting her? Should I just message her, explain myself, apologise and then cut contact again? Should I say it in person? I really have no idea what to do anymore.

ImprovisingNow Mon 14-Nov-16 21:22:55

I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. Do what you want to do. You are the only one you have to please now.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Mon 14-Nov-16 21:27:37

Not much help here, but only to say I can really see your dilemma.
Deep breath, but...... she is your DS's auntie and her twins are his cousins.
Personally, I would meet her, but tell her you need time to think it all through and work it all out in your head.

Cricrichan Mon 14-Nov-16 21:40:49

I think the problem is that it's not about her or her boys. It's about her brother. If you let then into his life then you're potentially letting his father into his life without knowing clearly what kind of father he's going to be.

When he's old enough to realise then what's going to happen when the twins start talking about their uncle, yet your son has never met him etc?

Explain to your sil that you're in an impossible situation at the moment and until things get sorted out, you can't meet her as it wouldn't be fair on your son.

newmumwithquestions Mon 14-Nov-16 21:54:19

There will come a day when you have to explain to your son that his dad is an idiot.
There doesn't have to come a day when you tell him that his auntie wanted to meet him but you wouldn't let her.
Absolutely tell her that she needs to be more sensitive to the situation but you I think you should go ahead and meet her.

SandyY2K Mon 14-Nov-16 22:20:30

At the point she said you were out of order for not letting her see the baby,.I'd have cut contact altogether and blocked her.

If my brother did that, I'd have apologised on his behalf, instead of doing that. I

I just feel that getting close to her makes it impossible put it all behind you.

loulou1626 Mon 14-Nov-16 22:28:54

Thank you ladies, I appreciate all your replies.

It really is very much like Cricrichan said, and while I have absolutely no problem with her and could quite easily be on good terms with her and support a relationship between her, my son and her two boys, I just can't see how this would ever happen without my son being the one to suffer in the end in regards to his dad. Quite frankly, the fact that my ex is able to be that way with his nephews but not take interest in his son just strengthens my belief that I'd tell him to get stuffed even if he did show an interest at any point because, in my opinion, it's just sick that he's capable of doing that. None of this is ideal but I quite honestly don't know what to do, and I am quite scared that I'll just start something if I meet her and given the choice between that or having to one day explain to my son that I made the choices I did because I wanted to protect him, I know which I'd rather do.

loulou1626 Mon 14-Nov-16 22:30:12

SandyY2K that's pretty much how I felt really, glad there are others who would feel the same.

Joinourclub Mon 14-Nov-16 22:33:18

Children can't have too many people that love them. And his aunt wants to love him, so let her. Also I think children really benefit from family relationships with other children. He's lucky enough to have cousins, he should know them.

NotTheFordType Mon 14-Nov-16 22:42:10

she got quite angry and upset and started talking about how hard it was for her, that I was out of order for not letting her see the baby because I wasn't over her brother (bearing in mind I'd never actually said she couldn't) and that she just wanted to know the baby and wanted her sons (three year old twins) to know him too.

Yeah, fuck that. She sounds like a massive drama llama. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so it doesn't surprise me that your ex's siblings are equally twatbadgerish. Stick to your guns. Your child will NOT be better off for having contact with manipulative, toxic people.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 22:49:12

If you thought she could have an agenda free relationship with her nephew then she may have a point

But she clearly cannot, so you would be quite free to say that you don't owe her anything at all and consign her to the "totally crap" bin along with her stupid brother

Why do these people think they have a right to tell you how to live your life ? Fuck that shit.

comoneileen Mon 14-Nov-16 22:50:03

If a relationship with his aunty could be possible, the practicalities makes it a nightmare. Yes this is ongoing abuse to your son and to you if his dad is around for his cousins but not him. I would leave the area altogether.

loulou1626 Mon 14-Nov-16 22:53:27

The majority of you are voicing exactly what I think, much as it breaks my heart. My issue is that do I actually meet her to tell her this, message her to tell her this and block her, or just block her and not show up? Either way I'm concerned that all three are now gonna lead to my ex rearing his ugly head and now I wish I'd just held my tongue and ignored her instead of reacting out of anger.

Zumbarunswim Mon 14-Nov-16 22:54:09

Ask her what she will say to the baby when he's of age to question why his dad is in her kids life but not his sons. This is a valid question and you are right to be concerned about it. What a cheek she has making it about her when her brother has done this to you-arsehole!! angry. Congratulations on your baby flowers

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 22:55:00

You can still cancel

You might have let Poxy Pandora out the box but you can stuff her back in if you wish

Tell her something has come up and you will be in touch. Then never be in touch.

Zumbarunswim Mon 14-Nov-16 22:58:14

And do what's right for you with the meeting. Could you take your mum with you? It's an emotional rollercoaster having a baby without all the shit her brother has pot you through and it's good you are doing so well. Don't meet her if there is the chance she will knock your emotional wellbeing. You are the only parent looking after your son after all. If she wants to put pressure on someone it should be her brother-not you!angry

iseenodust Mon 14-Nov-16 23:01:38

I would cancel. Your baby is only a month old & you've enough to deal with. Leave it six months and then decide if you want to meet up. Things may look a whole lot different...or they may not.

loulou1626 Mon 14-Nov-16 23:05:58

I am tempted to do that AnyFucker but then the worry is that if her brother then does want to know and it gets taken to court or something I'll be looked badly upon, though I've never said anything about bringing the baby with me or anything which I wasn't going to anyway.

Zumbarunswim I haven't told my parents cos I'd doubt they'd let me leave the house to do it (had to move back in with them cos of the split) as they think his entire family should be kept away due to the circumstances of my pregnancy and such. That is my general view as well but I guess the fear is that if I do that then he may actually want to know and I'm convinced he'd be a terrible father and it would actually be better for my son if he didn't ever show his face. She acknowledged to some degree, based on what she thinks she knows, his behaviour but doesn't seem to grasp the reality of it and that really bothers me.

iseenodust a good idea and one I would consider, though I doubt any positive change would have taken place by then.

JustSpeakSense Mon 14-Nov-16 23:11:17

I understand you want nothing to do with your ex. But I think your anger has been misdirected towards the sister who initially contacted you showing an interest in the baby and saying she missed you. She is your child flesh and blood.

pictish Mon 14-Nov-16 23:12:15

I would meet up and tell her exactly what you've said here.

loulou1626 Mon 14-Nov-16 23:12:23

JustSpeakSense I don't have a problem with her, despite her insensitivity. My issue is the fact that she wants to know my son while her brother does not but quite happily has a relationship with her children.

loulou1626 Mon 14-Nov-16 23:32:01

I guess I'm just worried about the aftermath in either scenario and I'm just so fed up of being the bad guy in the face of someone else's choices.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 23:35:24

It won't get to court anyway and how would a mum with a new baby not meeting up with her SIL just to get hassled get to "look bad" ?

Fuck that shit

ahsan Mon 14-Nov-16 23:47:01

I agree with Cricrichan I would personally be suspious as to why she's contacting you after all this time? Are you sure her brother has not put in a word to her to contact you? I would step curiously op and would exactly be tempted to do what anyfucker said. You have no idea what's being said on that side and I also agree in the long run that will not be good for your son, surely she can see that. Besides if she cared so much about your baby why has she waited till it was born to be involved? Did she not care about your health while you were pregnant, just guessing she's only interested in the end result which is your beautiful baby. Op don't think his sister cares about you much so why she giving her the time of day and her brother abandoned you while pregnant so just close the chapter. What I think will happen is if she does see your child is that it will open a can of worms and she might start bullying you into doing other things. Op I suppose this is your decision if you want the babies father in his life then I guess you should go ahead but if not then leave it be as they both clearly shows they didn't care anyway.

ahsan Mon 14-Nov-16 23:50:11

Congrats op on your beautiful baby

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