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Asking ex to have the children more

(12 Posts)
Myusernameismyusername Mon 14-Nov-16 19:22:43

I'm debating asking my ex to help out more with the children, who are now young teens. He has them one night on a weekend per week and has done so for 8 years now.

But I worry that a. I've left it too late and b. It is for my own selfish reasons.

Happy to be flamed over it, go ahead, but I would love opinions before I dive in and ask or just bury it again.

I left him and he did not like this. He complained about living apart from the kids but instantly loved his freedom. He's had 2 long term relationships and been on lots of child free holidays and now has a new child. I like the partner and since baby has arrived he's suddenly become more easy going actually. He does take them away sometimes for a holiday but I have not been away at the same time as I haven't had anyone to Go with. I have never been on a child free holiday. He has never taken them to school and they have never stayed at his house on a school night. He doesn't do any of their laundry. I do get minimal maintence and he is reliable with contact and shares drop offs. He goes halves on things like trips and uniforms. He's moved 3 times, even when he lived very very close the weekly contact did not increase.

The DC aren't that fussed about visiting as they don't have their own rooms (all 3 inc baby in one room) but they do have nice stuff and he does feed them/go out etc.

I have met someone and I also work full time now. I dont want to introduce man to DC it's too soon. I realise increasingly (and feel resentful) how little free time I get. I'm now having to choose on my one free night a week do I choose to see friends? Time to Myself? BF? Shopping? Housework? It's all rushed and I just feel like I have no time to be me.

But I am lucky as some single parents never get one night a week so I can't really complain.

I also do really like spending time with my DC in the evenings but mostly it's homework/cooking/housework and I don't know why he can't pick up the slack - but is this selfish of me to ask? One evening a week not even overnight. I also do not really know how to ask. He can be unreasonable irrationally. I've given him a really easy ride and frankly he could do more for his own kids, not just me. They get stressed mum because I'm tired and get little space. He gets weekend night when no one has to rush around.

Opinions wise ones!

confused114 Mon 14-Nov-16 19:29:23

Absolutely not selfish, he is a parent too. Just because you are the mother and the main carer does not make the dad any less of a parent. You deserve some you time, however you want to spend it. I don't think you are asking too much at all to be honest. Go for it and fingers crossed you get the extra time x

Goingtobeawesome Mon 14-Nov-16 19:33:09

Do the children want to see him more? Maybe tell him they'd like to if they would.

Hotwaterbottle1 Mon 14-Nov-16 19:34:48

Not selfish at all. The norm seems to be one night during the week and 2 nights every other weekend. Would that help? It's would mean he had a weekend off too.

Cricrichan Mon 14-Nov-16 19:37:14

I think you should definitely ask him to have them more. Everybody will benefit imo.

HerRoyalNotness Mon 14-Nov-16 19:37:41

Not unreasonable to ask or expect it tbh.

How old are the young teens? Old enough for you to go out with a friend or on a date and look after themselves at home. Or not quite there yet?

Simonneilsbeard Mon 14-Nov-16 19:39:19

I don't think this is selfish at all. Everyone deserves free time and it sounds like you've done the bulk of the work.
The most common arrangement seems to be 2 nights every other weekend and one afternoon midweek.
So essentially you both get a full weekend free. That's how I did it with my ex up until August and it worked well for 5 years.
He also had them for extra days during holidays.
Absolutely ask him to spend more time with his benefits all of you.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 14-Nov-16 20:02:12

The crux is, I'm not sure the kids would actually want to go confused

BlackeyedSusan Mon 14-Nov-16 20:29:46

children are supposed to have two parents to share the load. seems like he is not pullinghis weight with it.. it would be good for the dcs to have a happier mum.

also I think that now they are old enough to go mid week and still get to school.

Myusernameismyusername Mon 14-Nov-16 20:58:48

He doesn't live near school anymore as he moved again.

Kids potientially old enough to stay in a while if I went out, and they do if i am going to the shops etc but you know what, I would feel guilty

I think kids would complain about going. And I would end up feeling crappy about it. This is what puts me off. I also don't know what to say to him.

ArmfulOfRoses Mon 14-Nov-16 21:04:18

What about eow Fri and Sat night?
That way they don't see him for more time, it's just in a slightly longer block.

ArmfulOfRoses Mon 14-Nov-16 21:06:21

Say it would give him every other weekend free to spend with baby, tell your DC they get whole uninterrupted weekends with you where you can go away/have friends to sleep/whatever...

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