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Husband had an affair

(26 Posts)
Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 19:20:26

Last July, we moved from Asia to another country. My husband stayed behind for a few weeks while we came home to see family before moving to the new country with my H. Our marriage has been very rocky for a while. I'm often snappy, critical and disdainful...he has done things to hurt me in the past (though nothing as bad as this) which i have struggled to get over and my hurt comes out as anger. So far, so dysfunctional. We have two kids together.

I knew from the day I arrived in our new country that something was different. He was like a different person, not particularly nice, but he blamed it on work pressure. Things in our marriage have been going from bad to worse and the whole time I have felt like there was something I didn't know. We've been together for 20 odd years and I can read him like a book.

Yesterday I was using his iPad and the compulsion to snoop came over me. I've never done this before, but I felt so strongly that there was something I didn't know and that I was trying to fix our marriage but something wasn't right. Anyway, I found some contact between him and another woman. I confronted him and he admitted he had sex with her, four times in the two weeks we were apart in the summer. He went back for a work trip in August, shagged her again, gave her money. He's still in contact with her. He is a cliche of a western man falling for a twenty something Chinese girl, being taken in with a son story of sick family, had his ego stroked etc. I lived in Asia for many years and I have heard thus story over and over again. He's not the first to have gone down that route. Of course, like other expat wives, I thought he would never be the type.

I'm shattered. Things have been bad between us, but I thought things could and would get better. Now I'm facing moving my kids back to the UK (where they have never lived), changing their house, their school, having little contact with their father who must stay here for now at least. They've only just begun to settle. I have no-one here. My whole life will have to change. It's my daughter's birthday in two weeks, then Christmas. My dad is coming next week, for a holiday.

I can't just uproot everyone right now. H is begging me to stay. But how can I be here, pretending everything is ok? I've asked him to leave for a few days...I can't keep up a good front for the kids when I want to scream and punch him.

I just don't know what to do. I have never felt pain like this. Every second is like an hour. I wish I had never looked, but I'm glad I did. I would rather know the truth and know what I am up against.

I don't know what to do.

inlectorecumbit Mon 14-Nov-16 19:27:59

I would go back home with your DF after his holiday. Get some space then decide what you want to do.
Is he still in contact with the OW?

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 19:32:19

Ugh what a pathetic cliché he is

No wonder you cannot stand the sight of him

No matter how difficult it was I would be happy to put thousands of miles between him and me

Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 19:32:32

Not in contact now. I feel like I need to be sure what I am doing before I move as it's such a big move. I haven't lived in the UK for 15 years.

Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 19:35:07

I guess I'm afraid. I'm also a cliche. The stupid expat wife who lets her own career go to move around the world with her family, learns to play tennis and lunch with her friends and then gets well and truly shafted. I feel pathetic, and useless and stupid.

LIZS Mon 14-Nov-16 19:35:42

Can you be sure there would be no contact , were he to travel again? Has he/you been tested for sti's? I'd be making plans to come back to UK for breathing space at very least. See how things seem here. Young children can be pretty resilient.

Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 19:38:52

I only found out yesterday afternoon but I have told him to get tested. Apparently this woman has moved back to her village to get married. So there is unlikely to be physic contact even when he goes back there for work.

The kids and 9 and 6 and my son had a horrible time moving here and U.S. Just starting to settle. All I care about at the moment is what will be best for them.

LIZS Mon 14-Nov-16 19:45:37

Depending where you are you may find it tricky to leave , and if it comes to it divorce, in that country. It might be more straightforward in uk especially if there is a language barrier. Are they in local schools or private funded by his employer? Would they continue to cover you and/or dependents if you separated with healthcare etc? Would you have leave to remain independently? Lots of questions to raise, sorry.

Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 19:48:45

If I were going to stay here, it would be if I tried to make things work. I can't even think about that without wanting to vomit right now. If we split, I'll return home.

LIZS Mon 14-Nov-16 20:03:06

You need to ensure he couldn't prevent you and most particularly the DC leaving. If you are within the EU and both British it should be straightforward , but not necessarily so even then.

cheapskatemum Mon 14-Nov-16 20:48:44

Plenty of good advice here from people who know more about this sort of situation than me, but I just wanted to add: please don't beat yourself up about being the stupid expat wife, giving up your career, learning to play tennis etc. You did what you thought best at the time, with the hand of cards you were playing with. You now have a different hand of cards and need to play a different game. You sound like an intelligent and caring woman to me. They are good qualities for starting a new life for yourself and DCs. Best of luck and remember we're here for you.

ohfourfoxache Mon 14-Nov-16 21:45:36

I'm so sorry sad

You need to do what you need to. I know you're worried about your Dc, but if you're happy then they will be happy. If you stay and are unhappy and unsupported then they also won't be happy.

And you're not stupid or pathetic or a cliché- I promise you.

timelytess Mon 14-Nov-16 21:53:14

It wasn't you, it was him.
Don't trust him on the 'she's gone back to her village'.
Stop having sex with him and get tested.
Legally, can you take the children back to the UK? I once suggested a woman left Ireland with her children, to come to the UK, and was absolutely roasted because I hadn't considered that she would be breaking the law.

OrlandaFuriosa Mon 14-Nov-16 22:01:45

You poor poor thing.

Just saying that disdain/contempt are the most obvious signs that a marriage isn't going to last, a/c at least one therapist / counsellor.

So when your tummy has returned to semi normal, think hard about why you had that reaction, whether there are good bits you would miss other than the material issues or whether, as it sounds, actually the things that initially attracted you to him are no longer there or of no use to you.

The material side will be hard if you leave or he does but what's most important is your and your DCs mental health and happiness. Unhappiness can be mitigated by money but curing it with money is rare..

Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 22:39:57

I get that about the disdain and contempt. I can hear myself sometimes and hate myself for going on that way. The awful thing is that I was finally coming to realise that we needed outside help and that we might be able to find our way back to the way things used to be. Then this happened. There were still glimmers of how things were before it all got hard - mainly when we had children. I thought we could get it back.

Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 22:40:52

I still want that happy marriage back. Or I did.

Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 22:49:19

And I don't care about the material issues - I had an upbringing with not much money and it was really very happy. I do worry about my earning potential as a single mum who has been out of the job market for 13 years. I would worry that I couldn't provide well enough for my children.

JustSpeakSense Mon 14-Nov-16 22:54:12

It seems obvious that your marriage is over and you need to leave him and start a new life.

Whether that is immediately or whether you take some more time and put a longer plan into place is a decision you need to take.

You deserve more happiness than this

Patriciathestripper1 Mon 14-Nov-16 22:58:50

Firstly I'm sending you a big HUG.
Now go and pack your stuff and move back with your dad. You will have lots of support in England and you will be fine.
Your husband is a pathetic twat. Just caus things get rocky dosnt mean you shag the first thing that shows you attention. He wasn't thinking of his dc of you when he was off shagging.

jeaux90 Mon 14-Nov-16 23:37:12

Being practical here (and offering you a big hug ) I assume you aren't in a country where you need his permission to leave if you want are you?

Bumshkawahwah Mon 14-Nov-16 23:55:11

No, I'm not and he's not going to stop me if I decide to go. We're going to the UK for Christmas, so I'm hanging on here until then. It's the easiest way for the children. We just may not come back after Christmas.

I've been with DH longer than I have been without him. Things have been horrible for the past year or two but I was in it for the long haul. I can't imagine being without him. We have gone through so much together. I'd never, never have done this to him sad

jeaux90 Tue 15-Nov-16 07:35:36

You have my complete sympathy. I had to split up with mine when in the gulf and then negotiate my exit with my dd. I know how hard this is so yes you are doing the right thing. When you are back have a good hard think about how life back here would be and where you could live to maximise your support network etc. Honestly moving back was the best thing I ever did. If the trust is gone, it's gone and you can have a happy life without him. Xxx

Patriciathestripper1 Tue 15-Nov-16 09:49:04

ive been with Dh longer than without...
I was with cancer longer than I was without it and also in it for the long haul and went through a lot with it but I shure as hell am glad it's gone now!
I know it's tough when you are used living a certain way and being apprehensive of the future but you will survive. There is nothing stronger than a mother protecting her children. You will be fine.

OrlandaFuriosa Tue 15-Nov-16 17:34:29

What jurisdiction would your divorce be under? Because if UK he will still have obligations to support you. I'd get onto the legal eagles here to ask, and to get help with asking the questions at Christmas. The uk CAB lists solicitors who will give half n hour free advice, go with your questions prepared.

And in the meantime quietly get together copies of all the relevant financial information and oroginals of passports, birth and marriage certs etc.

Whatever you decide, time spent in reconnaissance is seldom if ever wasted...

Bumshkawahwah Tue 15-Nov-16 20:15:43

Thanks OF. That is good advice. I'm truly not sure about the jurisdiction of our marriage. We were married abroad although we are both British.

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