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Seeking Advice- dealing with SIL

(15 Posts)
LittleLight42 Mon 14-Nov-16 15:20:18

Hi everyone,

I have a real trouble with my SIL who seem to just want to make me feel miserable. For example, she is one of few who knows I am pregnant (8 weeks, first pregnancy, only my 2 best friends and mum know apart from her) and yesterday she called to tell me about how miscarriage rates are very very high, and how it is a real miracle that any baby is born. Oh and did you get your nausea yet? (I didn't, I do feel a bit uncomfortable but nowhere near full nauseous, which I told her) Oh well then it will get worse. No supportive comments. No encouragement. Nothing.

She says it all in such a polite way that I don't even realise how hurt I feel until she hangs the phone. Seems like she brought passive aggressive to a new level. And then I feel like a real idiot for not calling her up on it- as I do when stuff like that happens in most of my other relationships with people.

This morning I spent three hours crying and being anxious about what she said, paying so much attention to my stomach terrified something will go wrong (although we did have an early scan last week and there was heartbeat and it all seemed , as a lovely lady said, 'perfect').

My husband is on my side, and supports me 100% which is really great, but I would really like to find a way to deal with her /stupid and insensitive/ comments in a way which wouldn't make me so very anxious and not leave me feeling like an idiot. At the same time, I don't want to do the same as her as I don't think that would help (well, apart from the first few minutes of seeing her face)...
WTF is the good adult response in situations like that?
Please help.

Heirhelp Mon 14-Nov-16 15:23:56

I think you need to call her out and say that is not an appropriate thing to say to a pregnant women/new parent/family delete as appropriate.

Btw if you have had a scan with a heart beat at 8 weeks your risk of miscarriage is only 2%.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

krustykittens Mon 14-Nov-16 15:24:55

I had a 'friend' like this, so I used to interrogate her. "How does that help me?" Normally, there is no answer to this beyond, "I am just saying." To which I would reply, "No, you are not 'just saying' you must have a reason, so what is it?" until they shut the fuck up. Or simply say, "If you haven;t got anything nice to say, shut up." Stay calm, but deal with passive aggression with aggressive aggression and stop her in her tracks. You do NOT need this kind of upset and certainly not when you are pregnant. Congratulations, by the way!

OldBootNewBoots Mon 14-Nov-16 15:28:40

i got the same info as heir, the vast majority of miscarriages happen before you can see a heartbeat. I would stop picking up her calls personally, do you have caller display? And just ask her what the point of her stories/advice is, just quietly ask 'why are you telling ME this' every time. There's no excuse. I've had 2 completely healthy pgs, and 2 completely healthy babies which I am so grateful for.

Trifleorbust Mon 14-Nov-16 15:29:19

Stop taking her calls and seeing her. She sounds deeply tactless.

ElspethFlashman Mon 14-Nov-16 15:31:06

Stop answering her calls. If you don't want to cause drama, text an hour or two later all fake "Sorry Hun! Up to my eyes! Talk soon! xxx"

Rinse and repeat.

LittleLight42 Mon 14-Nov-16 16:20:01

Thank you all. Yes, not answering the calls and challenging seem like good strategies. Will try that.
And thank you for your congratulations and info. Feeling much better now x

OurBlanche Mon 14-Nov-16 16:37:31

Be happy... she has given you a perfect target for those 'hormonal tears'

You can legitimately cry at her, whilst using krustykittens questions!

If she says anything about the tears "Well, I am pregnant and you were tactless"

You don't have to let her inside your head... you could choose to gratefully accept that she is offering you a Venting Opportunity smile

brassbrass Mon 14-Nov-16 17:20:59

for whatever reason she wants to steal your joy and ruin this time for you. I don't know why it happens but I have seen this happen so many times.

As others have said limit your time and contact with her. Do not give her anymore info to do with the pregnancy going forward.

If she starts again during an encounter when she can't be avoided say something along the lines of 'don't be so negative and if you haven't got anything positive to say don't say anything at all'.

Don't worry about excuses of faux concern - just say you have access to good antenatal care and you don't need anecdotes or people pissing on your happiness. Say it like you are dismissing her with a smile.

Enjoy your pregnancy and everything you have to look forward to. Congratulations.

furryminkymoo Mon 14-Nov-16 19:49:53

Don't share such personal information with her in future? You have only told a select few your baby news, don't include her in that select few anymore.

tribpot Mon 14-Nov-16 19:54:25

If your DH is supportive, why doesn't he have a word with his own sister and ask her to stop making appallingly tactless remarks about miscarriage to a pregnant woman?

Nausea varies hugely from one pregnancy to another, she is talking bollocks.

Congratulations on your news, make sure you don't share any more with her!

BlackeyedSusan Mon 14-Nov-16 20:31:36

eee-or like a donkey everytime..

oh hang on, you said adult way...


Jiggl Mon 14-Nov-16 23:45:48

Only 14% of women experience nausea to the point of vomiting during pregnancy. Me and Dsis never got sick - she was queasy once or twice, I never was. Other Dsis had the more traditional 12 weeks of nausea and vomiting most days as did DM.

So she's talking through her arse.

Like others have said, you now have the perfect get-out if you fuck her out of it. Hormones are great!

Nanny0gg Tue 15-Nov-16 00:33:23

Is she your husband's sister?

Ignore her!

LetsAllEatCakes Tue 15-Nov-16 09:10:37

Ignore her. Challenge her when you can't ignore her.

Some people are just twatty like this, not sure exactly why but it seems for a fair few it's a need to induce drama and make other people stressed so their own issues don't seem so bad.

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