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Is it ever the same after you have kids?

(17 Posts)
badabing36 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:02:32

Dp and I had been together 7 years before having a baby. We were very happy to the point off smugness. When I was pregnant we were closer than ever.

After the baby we argued all the time. We moved house too, and lived with my parents for a bit which added to the stress.

Ds is 10 months now and we get some evening together which is nice and we cuddle up on the sofa. But I've started back at work Sundays which means we only get 1 day together to have fun/ get jobs done and I think the time pressure makes us argue a lot.

Now when we argue he just seems to say 'yes you're right it's all my fault' all the time. I just feel like he can't be bothered with me. Like he's putting up with me.

Am I just being over sensitive? I only work a few hours and everything seems to be bothering me lately. I'm breastfeeding less so that is supposed to make you hormonal.

Has anyone else been through this? I don't know many people with kids irl well enough to ask?

badabing36 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:27:02

When I put I only work a small amount of hours it was in reference to the idea that I may need to get out more/worry less.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere Mon 14-Nov-16 14:29:55

I could have willingly punched DH in the cock about 100 times a day for the first few 12 months of DD's life.
Then it I got better and it's back to once or twice a day like before grin

Several of my other friends have experienced the same, so I'm presuming I'm normal.

badabing36 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:56:58

Ha ha, ok that sounds reassuring.

RainbowBriteRules Mon 14-Nov-16 19:53:56

Hmmm. For me, no, it has never been the same. I think a huge part of that though is that life itself is never the same, at least while children are still dependent. We had an easy relationship pre DC. No real money worries, both in similar jobs, on the same page about most things.

Now, we both instinctively parent differently and are also different in terms of tidiness.
Add in the realities of juggling work and small children plus less money coming in. Now it always feels as if we have to work at it whereas before it was easy. On the plus side though sex is much better because we know each other better.

I do know some couples though for who it is very much the same or better since DC.

LaPharisienne Mon 14-Nov-16 19:58:33

For me, better. But I am a lot happier not working and DP is a lot happier because I I'm happier and after baby #1 could support him much better. He is very appreciative which helps but the key is one person at home full time (for us, anyway).

AmberEars Mon 14-Nov-16 20:06:38

I think it's very common to go through what you are describing (lack of quality time, tiredness, arguments etc) when the DC are very young. It won't last forever, but it may last for a while (for us, things got much easier and 'back to normal' when our youngest turned three) so it is worth making an effort to improve things.

He sounds a bit martyr ish. (I'm thinking of the 'yes it's all my fault' but.)

We went on a marriage course a few years ago which really helped us to communicate better.

whattheseithakasmean Mon 14-Nov-16 20:12:17

The biggest wobble in my marriage was in the first year after our first child - we nearly didn't make it.

We have since been through redundancy, house moves, tragic bereavements, you name it and our 20+ year marriage is super strong and the children are beginning to fly the nest so we are looking forward to the next chapter.

So my advice is, the first year can be tough, don't panic, don't lose sight of the bigger picture and think long term. Good luck.

MistyMinge Mon 14-Nov-16 20:20:59

Our relationship is not the same. I am starting to think it never will be. I get glimpses of the old us sometimes but ultimately it has had a big impact. We still love each other, but I think it's an altered love. Tiredness and resentment are really big factors. When DC2 was about 8mth old things had got really bad and we had the shall we, shan't we divorce conversation. We decided that ultimately we wanted to stay together and we've both made more effort. I think it's easy to forget why you got together. Babies and small children are all consuming imo.

RainbowBriteRules Mon 14-Nov-16 20:37:24

Misty, YY, I have found after DC2 things were much worse. DC getting older now though and I am hoping things will get better.

minipie Mon 14-Nov-16 20:42:58

Hmm

Post DC we are knackered and grumpy. We argue a lot. Before DC we hardly ever argued, in fact virtually never. We don't have much sex. We don't have much time alone, and if we do it's often spent going through the to do list.

But... we need each other more, much more. We feel like partners who are working together on a shared challenge (and with two non sleeping under 5s it bloody is a challenge!) rather than two individuals. He pulls his weight thank god. I know DH much better and have seen new aspects of him - not all of it is good, but a lot is. Same in reverse I imagine.

So - no, not the same, worse in many ways but better in others. That's life with DC for you...

badabing36 Mon 14-Nov-16 20:43:37

Thanks for all the replies.

I know neither of us are going anywhere, and I definitely wouldn't go back if I could because having the baby is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

It just makes me a bit sad I guess, but I realise i might be asking for too much.

It's good to hear that some people have gotten back to pre baby levels of lovey doveyness, holding out hope for us and some of the other pps.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 21:12:53

Yes, but it can take a good few years

Ohyesiam Mon 14-Nov-16 21:16:54

No, it's not the same. I think it's almost like you have to get " divorced " as a couple and " remarry" as parents. It's a really different game. But somehow of works out, you come out the other side of it, you get used to being at the edge of the picture, not the centre.

Purpleboa Mon 14-Nov-16 21:41:43

Exactly what Minipie said. Yes, you lose a lot of the romance and spontaneity. With a sleep fighting DD, and both of us back at work, we've really been tested. It sometimes feels like life is a permanent circle of chores and bickering.

But. The love I have him, as I see how wonderful a father he is, has undoubtedly deepened. When we're together as a family and having fun, I wouldn't replace that with anything. And when we do get alone time, I think we appreciate each other more.

So yes. I'd say it's made it worse superficially and short term, but better where it counts if that makes sense! And I know it will get better. Babies grow up!

Obsidian77 Mon 14-Nov-16 23:40:48

It's never the same. It can't be. Really interesting point ohyesiam about "remarrying" as parents. I think if you did that officially you'd do very different and completely watered down vows. wink
op it does get better but it sounds like your DH is being quite sullen and unhelpful and you're a better woman than me for putting up with his attitude.
Can you try to focus on the things he does well and praise him for that? I think men are a bit like dogs (a crass comparison, I know) and respond well to a bit of "good doggie" head-patting...

badabing36 Tue 15-Nov-16 09:05:45

He's not so bad.

He's always been very hard on himself. When we have an argument he takes all the blame himself. So when I'm annoyed with him it's extra frustrating because I feel mean being angry at him when he's busy flagellating himself. So then it ends the argument and I end up apologising to him and we both feel terrible.

It sounds funny writing it like that, we are a right pair of idiots really.

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