Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Living together whilst separated

(5 Posts)
doyliewoo Mon 14-Nov-16 14:01:22

Hi - long time lurker here, just wondered if anyone can give me some advice on this.

Been with my partner for 8 years, he decided to end our relationship about a month ago. (Long story but for the best due to him being a serial womaniser/cheat) We rent a house together, he says I can have anything I want from the house and he will help me financially to move out. We have decided that we are not telling the kids until after Xmas (I have a DD 10 and he has a DD of 12 who stays eow and holidays). I cannot afford to rent this house on my own that is not an option, which means I cannot afford for him to move out either. I also want to be able to choose my next home carefully, it needs to be affordable and in the right catchment area for my DD's High School so this way I am not under immediate pressure to find something.

It all sounded lovely and amicable on the surface but I am really struggling, even though this was an unhealthy relationship and it ending is the best thing for me I am finding it so hard to cope with.

He seems fine, as he is inbetween contracts currently he is doing all of the housework, cooking dinners, servicing my car etc. We are still sharing a bed (no sex), watching tv together, we even have a pre-booked weekend away planned which he still wants is to go on?

I feel like I am living in a bubble with no way of healing until we finally part ways for good. I am torn between wanting to give the kids some stability and a lovely xmas together (his turn to have DD this year) and wanting to just get away and begin the process of getting over him.

I am rambling now but I suppose I'm asking if anyone else has lived with their ex partner prior to moving out and how did that work out for them? After Xmas I was planning on telling the kids/family etc and then have him move into the spare room until I am ready to move out. Or do I hold off telling them until I have something organised? I just dont know what to do for the best.

I want to minimise any upset for the sake of the kids - Practically this seems like the best solution with minimal disruption and defintely better for me financially. But my heart is aching, it feels so normal, I keep forgetting that we are not together anymore and my heart feels broken all over again.

Any help/advice would be lovely x

MagicSocks Mon 14-Nov-16 14:18:11

I think if you have a spare room, personally I would go ahead and move into it or get him to. I know you say wait until after Xmas but I think it's unwise, it just puts too much pressure on you and you need whatever personal space you can get atm. You need to find a way to tell the kids. Delaying is pointless really, Christmas or no Christmas.

It sounds as if you are stuck in limbo. I wouldn't go on the trip together either, just decide between you who is going and take a friend.

Your reasons for staying out for now make sense but do keep actively looking for somewhere, just by looking it will start feeling more real and you never know what might come up. I've been in a similar situation and will be moving in the new year and I feel so much better for knowing that I'm moving on.

Pooky77 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:33:58

I lived with my exP for two months after we split while we sorted out me buying him out of the house. It was my decision to leave and i made sure i kept everything as separate as i could, ie slept in another room, only cooked for myself etc and that was still very hard as he didn't want to accept it was over. I should imagine living together and having nothing really change, which sounds like what you are describing would be even harder.

If possible start to live as separately as you can now and for your own sanity try to move on asap, it's the only way to truly start repairing any damage that the relationship has caused you. I know that financially things may seem impossible now, but the peace of mind you will gain from moving on will be worth it i promise. Good luck.

doyliewoo Tue 15-Nov-16 10:00:19

Hello - many thanks for your responses, I think you are both telling me what my gut is already saying.

I really do need to move on, I am actively looking and have made lists of everything I need to do. I also bought a TV and created a separate space for myself in the bedroom, that has helped. He has not got a clue about us doing things separately, I suspect he is quite happy to continue as we are, anything for an easy life that has no impact on his sad

I suppose part of me is delaying facing it all but I need to consider my mental health. Thanks again for your responses x

MagicSocks Tue 15-Nov-16 14:34:26

You will feel better the more you take steps. It sounds like he will be happy to let the status quo continue indefinitely but as you say, for your own mental health, you can't just keep going along with it. It's good to be amicable but a separation is still a separation. Sounds like he's a little too comfortable and you need to rock the boat a bit. Good luck flowers

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now