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Going on a Bear Hunt - we're going to get through it!

(359 Posts)
madamehooch Mon 14-Nov-16 13:11:09

As a previous poster on a wonderful thread which has been a real lifeline but which has now ended, this is a new thread for anyone who has been subject to the misery of having an extremely long term relationship (20 plus years ) end. It's a place to find support and congratulations for whatever tiny steps are made and a big non-judgmental hand hold to help us over the inevitable bumps. There will be little LTB on this thread as usually he's already left us (smiling through the pain is always encouraged )😀

WTAFF Mon 14-Nov-16 13:34:49

Just checking in. Everyone welcome!

faffalotty Mon 14-Nov-16 13:57:38

Hello there smile

madamehooch Mon 14-Nov-16 14:06:39

Hello WTAFF and Faffa. Hope you are both okay today. I've had a very rough morning following an awful weekend but i've made an appointment with a counsellor on Friday and had a bit of a heart to heart with DH this morning where we have discussed a few things usually off limits to him so there is a slight parting of the clouds.

Kirk123 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:16:30

Hi everyone , yes after 31 years and at 50 in may , I am still on a bear hunt trying to get through it all , you have all been my angels through my journey and let's remember it will take as long as it takes and we are allowed to feel distraught, sad , upset , angry , happy at times and difficult times we are in this together ❤️

Dawndonnaagain Mon 14-Nov-16 14:22:55

23 years of ever increasing ea. He went in August (arrested) but is still very much in control. We will get there.

LouSaint Mon 14-Nov-16 14:24:59

Hello, Can I join please. It was 24 years for me, 15 married, STBX ran off with a 25 year old barmaid (he's 45) strung me along for months, and I finally found out in late August!

madamehooch Mon 14-Nov-16 14:40:28

Hi Dawn and Lou. Welcome to the sisterhood. I think 2016 has been the year of the mid-life crisis. I hope you both have some amazing real life support. My DH left in January with a diagnosis of depression but it is becoming clear that he won't be coming back so i've spent the last year in limbo so now have some tough decisions to make not helped by the fact that we get on very well and still care about each otherbut not in the way I want.

ohdearme1958 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:49:23

Well it was 36 years for me when we seperated almost 4 years ago. So this December would have seen our 40th wedding anniversary. We are not divorced and never will be. It's just one of those things. But that said - we have no contact with each other.

My husband set up home with his mistress 9 months after we seperated, but only when I made it clear there was no going back. She is 30 years his junior and from a poverty stricken background/country of dog eat dog and steeet fighting at the lowest level. She is the same age as one of our daughters and my family had been destroyed in the traditional sense. It's now me and my children.

I'm a nutshell - I'm not the woman who married a fortune. I'm the woman who helped to make one.

madamehooch Mon 14-Nov-16 14:59:00

That sounds incredibly hard ohdearme. How do you feel you have coped or is that a stupid question?

WTAFF Mon 14-Nov-16 14:59:08

My story isn't half as bad as some on here but I was together with my ex for three years. He was my first really serious relationship and he treated me horribly. I was almost invisible. I didn't see it for a long time but eventually realised that I deserved better.

LouSaint Mon 14-Nov-16 15:15:30

Ohdearme that's awful my STBX's new girlfriend is apparently from a similar background to yours. Had a baby at 18, poor education, my husband is a very intelligent man! Obviously thinking in the trouser department.
Madamehooch that must have been so hard for you, the limbo, I had that up until I found out that the reason I was being kept in limbo was because he was testing the waters with his new woman, that was the worst thing for me, the lies and constant promises. It caused me a near breakdown, now on 2 antidepressants and feeling a lot more positive!
Dawndonnaagain my husband was very emotionally abusive, and you're right- it doesn't end when they don't live with you, I've been subject to a smear campaign, rewriting history, him not having anything to do with his 2 Ds's 14 and 12. X

Hobbitwife001 Mon 14-Nov-16 15:46:40

hi everyone, hobbit here, I love the new thread title, it's very appropriate.
Married 27 years, separated 2, divorced 11 months.
Lots of threads about my story, met some brilliant people on MN, met some of them in RL, fantastic women all of them.
I'm now paying it forward whenever I can, what we're at the time strangers on the internet helped me through some very dark days, I now count them as friends, and hope to have them forever in my life in one way or another.

madamehooch Mon 14-Nov-16 16:11:16

WTAFF - it doesn't matter about the circumstances - losing someone you love is awful and all of us deal with it in different ways. I think the thing I like most about this thread is that its focus is on emotional support. Some threads I read make me feel a bit inadequate - they've sold their house, are starting to date - and here's me just waiting. However I know that i've needed this time to heal - to feel mentally ready to take those first tentative steps. Who knows how things will work out with DH? I suspect not how I want them to. However I need to stop blaming myself for what has happened and doubting myself as a funny, loving woman. I can't expect anyone to love me if I don't start to love myself (although my online clothing account has taken a bit of a hit these last months. ...)

madamehooch Mon 14-Nov-16 16:12:19

Hobbit - the thread title is all Kirk 😀

Forme2016 Mon 14-Nov-16 17:20:09

Hi, may I join too? STBXH left in May after 24 years together, 17 married. I'm loathed to use the mid life crisis label as I feel it somehow excuses him but it is a classic case. Started exercising, lost weight etc and ended up leaving for OW, a work colleague 10 years younger. Six months on he has realised what he's thrown away (incl two lovely DC) but I have already filed for divorce, no way I would take him back, which does not mean I've not had wobbles and considered it.
I was a lurker on the other thread and found a lot of comfort and wisdom there, hope to be able to contribute some of my own here.

madamehooch Mon 14-Nov-16 17:33:26

Hi Forme. Survivors are always welcome - any top tips for getting through the bad days will be much appreciated 😀

Kirk123 Mon 14-Nov-16 22:03:34

Wow , what a great start to the bear hut thread , I too have taken time to heal myself and learnt to accept it wasnt my fault I did not choose to abandon my marriage , mine is still with ow she has kids 7 and 12 , ours are 25 and 21 , this has been an emotional rollercoaster and I have been all over the place , still on antidepressants as I live alone now and I bloody hate it tbh , but you know what I have the most precious thing it's called peace of mind 😇 I know I worked hard to try and save my marriage but it's no good trying by yourself 😢 He has lost everything I have just lost him , we will carry on supporting each other , together as strong women on our hunt for tomorrow that's good enough , one day at a time ❤️❤️❤️

Disappointednomore Mon 14-Nov-16 22:14:54

Wonderful title- I often think of the Bear Hunt story as I try to rebuild my life. 16 years married and X just walked out one day. I can't believe it's been a year already. I logged in here with the name "just disappointed " which after a few months I changed to my current username as I've come to the realisation that my life will be my own. I still choke up when I remember happier times and in pity for my DD whom he has abandoned but remind myself we don't have to live with a sour faced bully and can dance around the kitchen at breakfast to the radio if we like smile

madamehooch Mon 14-Nov-16 22:24:05

Disappointed - do you have a disco mum song of choice when you bop around your cornflakes with your DD?

Personally, when DH left, I found the lyrics of songs were just out to taunt me so I discovered solace in Radio 4 (Rob and Helen ). I do a mean slow dance sway to the shipping forecast 😀

Kirk123 Mon 14-Nov-16 22:26:20

Love that name disappointednomore 😘Yes I agree I don't have to watch sport now at all 🎉But like you I grieve for the memories and Christmas is hard , mine too doesn't make much effort with our kids , he was a fabulous dad too 😢 He is not the man we knew he has changed beyond our wildest dreams !

LouSaint Mon 14-Nov-16 22:46:48

Kirk123 I tried so hard also to save my marriage. But it's pointless when their heads have been turned. What is it with these men? My STBX is a crap dad, but he's ignoring his own 2 sons to spend time with a woman who's young enough to be his daughter, with a 6 year old. Thank god the anti-depressants have taken the edge off my despair, I'm determined to give my sons the life they deserve, despite their rubbish father. I take them to their football and to games (Southampton fan hence name) it's truly their loss! 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼xx

Kirk123 Mon 14-Nov-16 23:05:18

Lou saint and the rest of us great mums , it's never been a competition I hate he doesn't care about his kids now like I do , I have been so strong and dignified not had a date or looked at a man , I have concentrated on them and me , even though they are kidults , they have been hurt so much , I tried to make it better for about 15 months , trying to mediate for them with him but it broke me as he kept pushing my buttons , so the last6 weeks I have been no contact and wow I am feeling better ,i realised I can't fix it now , I must move on ❤️

Disappointednomore Tue 15-Nov-16 02:04:22

Madame - Enrique Iglesias "Bailando" always gets us up and dancing. Kirk thanks for the compliment on the name. I am s constant lurker and occasional poster on MN it has taught me a lot about trying to change the channel in my mind when negativity strikes, about the sunk costs fallacy and about how bloody strong and amazing women are. I'm trying to resist nagging X about contacting DD - nagging was one of the exhausting features of our marriage in its latter days so I tell myself it's not my responsibility. Still when another week goes by and he hasn't called her I can't always help myself. Whilst I can accept that he has utterly no feelings for me it astounds me that a man who adored his child can simply turn his back on her. But (changes channel) we try to do great things together and the atmosphere at home is much calmer.

madamehooch Tue 15-Nov-16 05:29:43

Morning all. Hope you all slept okay Don't know about you but I always find those first minutes upon waking some of the worst of the day as everything comes flooding back after being blocked out by sleep and you have to try and summon up the energy to get through another day. My top tip is to have a shower as soon as possible - for some reason it makes me feel much better and able to face whatever's coming my way

Lousaint - lovely to meet another Southampton fan. I'm probably not a million miles from you. ...

It is amazing how they seem to be able to block out the fact that they have children. My DH would see my DD but always it was "I'll pop in on the way to/from the gym ". That might not seem so bad compared to some of you but it was as though she was no longer the priority and had to fit in round his new life. I pointed out to him the other day that the hours he'd probably seen her in the last 3 weeks could be counted on one hand. He tried to say that she didn't seem that bothered as she was up in her room or sometimes didn't return his texts but I said that she was a teenager and he was the adult and he had to keep on like I have to every day. He looked a bit aghast so hopefully it will start to sink in. DD was such a daddy's girl.

Anyway, after a rough day yesterday i'm back at work today. Hope everyone has a positive Tuesday xxx

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