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Getting our sex life back on track in pregnancy

(7 Posts)
ThePartyArtist Mon 14-Nov-16 11:49:59

I think my DH and I need some help getting our sex life back on track - but I'm not sure where to start.

We've been together about 12 years, married for 2. I'm 5 months pregnant with our first child, (which was carefully planned and something we both really want). For most of the pregnancy I have had zero interest in sex - I was just so exhausted I could barely function, and it was the last thing I wanted to do. At first I think he was quite upset about this, and it did cause a few issues - I think in a way he felt a bit like once I was pregnant I no longer 'needed' him in that way. I explained to him about feeling exhausted and having no libido whatsoever and then it wasn't really mentioned again.

Now I'm 23 weeks and my libido has been starting to gently come back in the last month or so. I have tried to initiate sex once or twice but now he tells me he doesn't want it. We have talked (not at the time when I'm trying to initiate sex, but at a completely different time) and from what I can gather he says he was upset at first that I didn't want sex, but then accepted that it wasn't what our relationship was all about and he can be fine without it. It's like he's lost his libido now, just as mine's waking up. Our relationship is good - so I agree with him in a way, that even without sex we enjoy being together. It's been a really hectic month or so, buying our first house so we've barely spent any time together. He has been quite stressed and a bit down in the dumps sometimes so I'm not sure if that explains his lack of libido. He's supportive and excited about the baby, but just doesn't seem to have any interest in sex. My libido is not such that this is particularly an issue - i.e. it's not that I am desperate for sex - it's just that my interest is very gently returning; however I am really concerned that we need to get things back on track for the sake of our relationship. Once the baby arrives it will be even harder. When I say this to him he is almost defeatist, as in 'oh well, I've come to realise sex isn't everything'.

I think also there's a bit of anxiety from both of us about being rejected. Over the past few months we've both had experiences of initiating sex and being rejected by the other one so it seems almost easier to not try, than to face rejection. I suggested going to bed and just having naked cuddles with no pressure for sex. He seemed somewhat open to this but reluctantly so, e.g. told me the bedroom was too cold and it would feel awkward. I don't really know where to start with getting us back on track?!

timelytess Mon 14-Nov-16 12:07:27

Is he punishing you for not wanting sex when he did?

ThePartyArtist Mon 14-Nov-16 12:27:12

No I don't think so.

Heirhelp Mon 14-Nov-16 13:09:25

Does he feel uncomfortable about having sex when you have a baby inside you? The only way you can change things or find out what is happening is by talking to him.

Happybunny19 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:33:11

I had all sorts of complications during my first two pregnancies with bleeding during sex. It didn't happen during the third, but it caused enough worry to put my oh off sex with me completely. He also said he saw me differently when pregnant and wanted to protect me, so didn't feel like dtd. However, as soon as all our dcs were born and I'd recovered from birth our sex life returned. After the last one six months ago it's actually better than ever and we're at it constantly.

Try continuing to talk and don't worry too much. It may well be a temporary blip. You mention him being stressed too, could you ask him to seek help there, as that could affect his libido.

offside Mon 14-Nov-16 14:46:06

Myself and DP had sex twice during my pregnancy, not through me not wanting it, but DP wasn't comfortable with it, or so that's what he told me. We then didn't have sex until our DD was six months old so it was quite a long time, that was my doing though as I just didn't want it.

I think it's normal to have raging hormones, I also think it's normal for blokes to not be comfortable with having sex in pregnancy. I wouldn't worry too much, as long as you are being intimate in other ways I wouldn't worry.

abeandhalo Mon 14-Nov-16 15:07:13

I'm 20 weeks pregnant & sex has certainly faltered, but I'm not worried this is a permanent arrangement. At first it was me that killed it by being so sick & tired all the time, & then it all started to be quite painful. Even though I'm feeling much better now, partner isn't initiating much & I can't say I blame him. My giant belly doesn't make it v easy & helping put steroid cream on my catastrophic pregnancy eczema isn't exactly foreplay!! grin

If I were you I guess I would just give him lots of flirty attention & not put too much pressure on the actual sex bit.

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