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dsd's mum has hit her

(25 Posts)
thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 10:15:12

Sorry if this is the wrong board. I just want to talk really. Dsd is 18 and lives with her mum. Dh and ex split 17 years ago. Ex was abusive and occasionally violent to DH, he never reported it. As far as we know she has never hurt the children until this weekend. Dsd rang askng to be picked up last night as her mum had hit her during an argument. She says this has never happened before but refuses to discuss the details and just says her mum is stressed and is 'a good person'. Dh and I have both outlined to her that this is not ok, she did not deserve it and violence is never the answer. She just wants to forget about it but we are left feeling anxious and don't want her to feel people in relationships can treat each other like that. She's gone back home now. Just wanted advice and or support really. Thanks.

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 10:16:53

It was not hard enough to leave a mark, dsd hinted it.may have been more like shoving? But obviously still not ok.

ohfourfoxache Mon 14-Nov-16 10:45:19

Is there any way that she could go to live with you?

How many children live there?

MyKingdomForBrie Mon 14-Nov-16 10:48:13

As she's 18 all you Candi is shat you're doing I think. Keep supporting her, make it clear she can come and live with you and reiterate that it's never ok to hit anyone, however stressed you are.

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 10:48:52

There are two children there. She could live here but I don't think she would want to upset her mum by doing that (ex very good at always being the victim). Do you think we should offer? We have always had to tread on eggshells with ex, but nw dsd is 18 in theory it is her own choice.

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 14-Nov-16 10:50:25

First of all I think it's great that DSD came to you about this. Thank heavens she feels that she can do that, clearly you've done a great job in making her feel safe with you.

Tricky one. I'm a SM as well and do all I can, despite feeling pretty strong negative feelings towards DH's ex, to create a united front across all parents. Therefore if there was an issue like this, I would always go to DH's ex first and attempt to reason with her or try to get to the bottom of what happened then see a way forward from there.

That said, your DSD is an 'adult' and not a child so maybe all getting together to discuss this would be best.

This is an issue I can see cropping up in our future. DH's ex was also violent/abusive and can be an extremely poor parent to DSD. It's really hard dealing with a person like that, so you have my empathy. Sending strength and really hope your DSD is okay. She's extremely lucky to have you and your DH there.

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 10:51:24

Both children are over 18

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 10:54:00

Thank you, lost. Dh and ex do not communicate, she is impossible to reason with and would not engage with this. Having said that dh told me last night that he would ring the police and get them to talk to her if it happens again.

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 10:54:38

Yes we are both really glad she felt she could call and come.over smile

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 14-Nov-16 10:59:56

That all sounds familiar. Your DH is caught in a horrid, horrid position where he'd likely suffer if he stood up to her. But equally it sounds like no one stands up to her and so she gets away with this behaviour. And I'd imagine you feel stuck somewhere on the edges feeling like you have very little control yet you still have to suffer with the consequences of how she acts.

Because this is the first instance, it's critical to deal with it in a way that keeps your DSD feeling safe, so it's very good to come on here and seek advice.

FWIW I would keep the lines of communication wide open with DSD. You don't have to talk about this, but make sure you're talking as often and as much as possible, about absolutely anything.

She probably knows that coming to live with you is an option but I guess it wouldn't hurt to make it a little more obvious. You dont want to run the risk of suggesting 'your mum is HORRIBLE come and live with us!' although you're probably desperate to do so!

If she has a room at yours, maybe put a little effort into adding a few nice new bits - some fairy lights, maybe a picture you think she'd like. Nothing hugely obvious, just enough to make her feel safer and like she has that as an option.

I'm far from an expert but I think that is what I'd do flowers

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 11:11:07

Thank you lost, wow, its so good to talk so someone who understands (although I'm sorry you have to deal with similar) flowers. Her room here is small but has fairy lights and nice pictures smile. Will keep texting her this week, and we are planning a family weekend with her next weekend so I will try and reiterate what we've said already when we have a quiet moment. She and sibling have always been v protective of their mum, I think she has framed every conflict as other people or life in general beng very unfair and hard on her. I have always been concerned that eventually they would start to question this and it will be very hard for them to reconcile in their own minds. We had hoped both dsc would have more.independence than they do by now but that's a while other can of worms!

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 14-Nov-16 11:16:21

I've been through the very painful mill with our situation and sometimes it's nigh on impossible to keep the moral high ground! But in doing so, you're doing your DSD a wonderful service and she will love you and DH in the long term for it.

Please remind yourself often how much richer her life is for having you both in it.

The ex sounds like a master of manipulation. They will come to realise this in their own time and will never thank anyone for highlighting it before they're ready to recognuse it on their own. And when they do, you'll both be there to provide the understanding they'll so desperately need.

How often do you see them both? Do you and DH have your own children? Family weekend is a great idea :-)

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 11:23:19

Lost, it is not easy is it? Thank you for the support. The time I've spent worrying about those children, but I never thought this would happen. You are right that we should remember we have a strong relationship with them, lots of traditions throughout the year where we get together etc, and they love their half siblings with me and DH. I'm really upset and unsettled by this, but really hope it is a one off.

Looneytune253 Mon 14-Nov-16 11:25:54

I would tread carefully. As the split seems like it's been so so bitter over the years I think it would be easy for you guys to overreact as you dont think much of mum. I'm not saying it's acceptable but at 18 are you getting the full story? My daughter is 12 and she can give me masses and masses of attitude and refuse to do stuff and sometimes it can get quite heated? Obv not saying I've hit her but I can see how easy it could happen. Again I'm not saying it's ok but if sd is happy enough and it seems like an isolated incident and she is an adult after all, I wouldn't do anything unless sd is obv unhappy or you think it's happening regularly. Is there any way you ciuld offer any support to the mum or the family in general if she's stressed? I don't mean massive things but taking sd to college or getting things she needs to make home life easier? For the daughter not the mum.

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 14-Nov-16 11:29:14

You're more than welcome, it truly is the most difficult situation and I've struggled to find people who understand.

Unfortuately mine and DH's relationship is rather falling apart at the moment but if things do go to the dogs, I will work my arse off to make sure DSD still feels part of whatever's going on. I'd do anything to salvage it but sadly it feels a bit beyond repair.

Really and truly hope this never happens again. It's absolutely rotten but the only positive that might arise is DSD feeling closer to you and DH, and safer in your company. The ex will get what's coming to her, one day. You just have to remain the constant that DSD needs until then.

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 11:31:39

We don't feel we have overreacted at all. After all if a partner hit her we'd be telling her to leave! Plus ex has history of domestic violence so I'm sure you can understand our worries. Ex does not work and both children take bus to college so not sure what we could do to help really.

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 14-Nov-16 11:40:45

See where you're coming from looney but it sounds to me, having had experience with a woman like that, like the ex is rather used to everyone making life easy for her and being scared to confront her. And yes, physical violence requires a pretty strong reaction, otherwise we are suggesting it's something that should be condoned if the situation is shaped a certain way.

And we all know that it should never, ever be condoned. On any level.

Besides, it sounds like the ex wouldn't be rceptive to any support. I would imagine OP and DH have tried this tack in the past.

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 11:41:01

Thanks lost, sorry to hear about your relationship problems with DH. flowers

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 14-Nov-16 11:44:00

Thank you, it totally sucks. But I'm sure we'll all be okay in the end, whatever happens.

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 11:56:33

You sound like a great step mum, lost. I could do with some RL friends like you!

Lostandlonely1979 Mon 14-Nov-16 11:57:29

Thank you, it took a while to get there! I'm lucky that DSD is such a little honey now (she wasn't when I met her!).

If you need an ear, just drop me a DM. Always happy to help :-)

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface Mon 14-Nov-16 11:59:15

I have nothing to add to what's already been said but you sound like really lovely person.

thefudgeling Mon 14-Nov-16 12:08:34

Thanks lost, that's really kind. And thanks Joffrey (p.s. love the username).

OzzieFem Mon 14-Nov-16 17:25:34

I'm not sure what the UK police would actually do, even if your partner reported the assault. For one thing he never saw the incident, so it's hearsay. Secondly your dsd is an adult and hasn't made an official complaint, there is no child abuse, so nothing being done would be the probable outcome.

thefudgeling Tue 15-Nov-16 08:05:15

Thanks Ozzie, we talked last night and came to the same conclusion, just got to hope it doesn't happen again.

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