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Husband and football bets(8 Posts)
I knew my husband did football bets occasionally on the weekends for the football but it wasn't until I snooped last night (I know I shouldn't but gut feeling) shows that yesterday he spent £45 on bets (Not just football any sport).
£45 doesn't sound like much compared to some people but we are struggling with money so that's a lot to us.
I don't know what to do to help him?
He's admitted he has a problem but where do we go from here?
I don't want to LTB we have a LB (7 months) and I am disabled so rely on my H alot. Other than this he is a great dad and H but this is heartbreaking. I am saving what little I get from child benefit and child tax credits to enable us to have a good Christmas and that £45 could have brought presents etc.
It's alot more that £45 btw.
I have closed his betting account down and he won't be able to reopen it for 5 years.
Sorry if it's jumbled!
I'm a betting shop worker and anyone welse recognise with a problem is referred to www.gamcare.org.uk. They can offer a lot of advice and support to help with problem gambling.
Thank you red, I have had a quick look and sent it to H, we will have a good look tonight when he gets home from work.
You cannot help anyone who really does not want to be helped. You have also not helped him really by closing his betting account; another one could easily be opened and there are probably others already that you have no knowledge of. He really does have to face the consequences of his actions.
What that action also really only did for you was to give you a false sense of control; its enabling behaviour. Such enabling neither helps you or him.
If he wants to contact Gamcare he has to do that of his own volition; any coercion from you to do that will not work.
Where is your own real life support; you also need to talk to gamcare and today.
I am wondering if you know the full extent of his problem; I doubt it very much and what you have found here may be the tip of a bloody great iceberg.
The writing below is advice from Gamcare itself and I would urge you to follow it to the letter:-
"How can you support them?
Remember it is a complicated problem and gamblers cannot ‘just give up’
Let them know you are prepared to support them
Read through the information on the GamCare website about the sources of support available to them and to you
Talk to them about how their gambling affects you. They need to understand the consequences of their gambling and how it makes you feel. Try to avoid doing this when either of you are angry or emotional.
Think about what you want to say. It might help to write your feelings and thoughts down so that you are clear in your own mind.
Encourage them to talk openly with you
Work with them to establish firm boundaries
Limit the financial impact that gambling has on you. For example, you could separate your bank account and protect your own money.
Suggest to them that they call the National Gambling Helpline (Freephone 0808 8020 133 or via web chat on the NetLine)
If you believe that they may be thinking about harming themselves, they should seek professional help as soon as possible. Their GP could be the first point of contact.
Try not to bail them out with loans or cover their gambling losses for them. This may only prolong the problem - they need to be responsible for the consequences for their gambling.
If the gambler isn’t ready to stop or has a lapse, don’t blame yourself – only they can be in charge of their recovery.
You can respond to requests for financial ‘bailouts’ with an answer that contains these messages: “I care about you and I don’t want you to suffer” or “I’m saying ‘no’ for your own good.”
Try not to issue ultimatums. These are rarely effective as they can often increase the sense of guilt and shame a gambler feels about their behaviour.
Do not trust them with money until the dependency is broken. If they agree, it may be helpful to manage their money for a short period.
Do not condemn them, as this is unhelpful and may drive them back to gambling. However, setting firm and fair boundaries to their behaviour is constructive.
It is hard to leave and I can appreciate why you feel you cannot leave but he is now really dragging you down with him.
Good post Attila
MrsG please read the support for family and friends. Betting is unrecognisable compared to 15 years ago.
Attila - I know you are right it was just a reaction to close it down! I know I shouldn't have done it!.
I really do think that he is relived that I found out about it and actually he will be pretty honest about what the situation is he won't lie to my face if I ask outright.
He has been honest so far in what I have asked him so hopefully he will continue to do so, He phoned to get some help from the above site link to local counciling place but it's closed today so he will phone tomorrow.
He had also looked up to see where a local gambling meeting was without any prompting from me which he was going to go to on Wednesday until I sent him that link.
I will definitely look at the support, I have a very supportive family if needed but I am embarrassed to mention it to them!
He says he hasn't borrowed any money for gambling which I believe as our credit ratings are terrible (Trying to rebuild) so I doubt he would even get credit to do so.
I have checked his emails for other betting sites and can't see any but he used the same username and password for lots of things so I can try logging into a few betting sites to see if he has an account if needed but I do believe this one was the only one.
Thank you ladies.
re your comment:-
"I will definitely look at the support, I have a very supportive family if needed but I am embarrassed to mention it to them!"
Do not be embarrassed to talk about it, addictions thrive on secrecy and you must not cover for him.
Please seek out your own support via Gamcare. Do follow their dos and don'ts to the letter.
Just a little update..He hasn't had a bet since Sunday now..He's doing well he's phoned gamcare up and arranged 12 sessions of counciling we have had some horrendous few years rmsince 2012 and although I thought he was coping with it all actually he wasn't coping and that's when his gambling became worse so hoping that the counciling will make a difference.
Thanks for all of your help
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