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Coping with DP living for man

(22 Posts)
Lostrunner Mon 14-Nov-16 06:51:04

Hi just after a bit of support because really struggling at the moment.
I'd been with my ex dp for almost 12 years, we are both women and have two children conceived through iui. We've been together since we were at school. In the summer this year, I noticed that she was becoming really distant and really rude to me all the time. She stopped talking to me and would say that she wished I hadn't come home from work. Days out she wouldn't walk with me, just completely ignoring me. I kept trying to talk with her, booked a night away but she was distant even there and just refused to go to the cinema or anything there, just lay down and went to sleep at 9pm.

Fast forward to September I kept asking her what was wrong and saw a guy messaging her a lot on social media. I confronted her and she admitted that she did like someone and had done so since July and no longer wanted to be with me. She said that she was going through a midlife crisis and didn't know what she wanted.
The house was jointly rented but she made it so hard for me to be there but would not leave so as the higher earned I moved out.

It's been 6 weeks now and we have joint 50-50 shared care of the children though I do tend to have them more. She has all the tax credits and child benefit for them. She sends me messages bragging about how much money she has and the Xmas presents she has brought when I have no money now because just trying to live.

When we first split up she told everyone I was making the up the cheating and generally bad mouthed me to everyone. Now without warning she has put on Fb that she is in a relationship with this guy. All her friends and most of her family are saying congratulations to her on there and he is being the big guy and basically saying on there that he turned her because he is so great in bed. Everyone can see this and I just feel so embarrassed and low. She has the kids a lot of the time and I know the speed she is going he will have moved in soon. I feel like I don't really have a role with the children anymore as they will have a mum and step dad and I don't really fit in. I am so worried I am going to lose them. I can tell that she doesn't see that I need to have them too, she doesn't see why I would like to have my daughter on her birthday for the afternoon for example.

I thought I was ok and I was coping well but her telling everyone and them congratulating her has just tore me apart. She is so vile to me now, sends me nasty texts and sits in the car when she drops the kids off so she doesn't have to see me. I am really struggling with it, 12 years and didn't even tell me personally she was with this guy.
I don't even know why I am posting this because it is quite identifying, just feel like I need support because even going to work today feels like a struggle.

mumonashoestring Mon 14-Nov-16 07:00:34

Jesus that's awful, no wonder you're feeling like you're struggling sad

There are loads of people on MN who can give great advice on breakups with kids, finances (e.g. I'm pretty sure benefits should be split if your custody is 50/50?) so I'm just posting to offer a sympathetic few words and keep this on the 'active' list for you flowers

Inexperiencedchick Mon 14-Nov-16 07:13:41


lampshady Mon 14-Nov-16 07:17:01

Practically, can you take a day's leave today to give you some emotional space?

It might be worth looking into mediation for contact arrangements - won't be court ordered but you may be able to reach an amicable agreement. Is there anyone you can use as a "go between" for contact arrangements in the interim? A parent of yours for example. She's much less likely to send abusive messages to a third party.

The pair of them sound like utter dicks and tbh it smacks of both of their insecurities.

Of course you have a role, you are their mum. You love and care for them equal to her, so please don't feel down about that. What would you like to happen with contact?

Lostrunner Mon 14-Nov-16 08:36:07

Thank you for the support everyone.

I can't take a days leave in my job at the last minute so just have to go in and cope as best as I can.

She wouldn't turn up to the mediation, I've mentioned it before. There's not a chance she will let me have any of the tax credits, she does not care that I am now struggling financially.

I would like to have the children living with me but I know that's just my anger talking. I was the one getting them up and putting them to bed every night and my son cries that he wants to stay with me. I know they are resilient though and deserve to have an equal relationship with both of us.

I just feel awful that everyone is so happy for her. We live in a small village and I feel that people are laughing at me because of the comments they are both making. I haven't even looked at the comments but some people have taken delight in telling me.

ravenmum Mon 14-Nov-16 08:44:29

Take some time off work if you need to. These things hit you physically as well as mentally.

Sounds like your partner is doing the typical Script thing of vilifying you to make herself feel better, so she can act like a twat without feeling bad about it, as you "deserve" everything you get angry.

Just make sure you get what is fair. Don't listen to her if she expresses any surprise that you might want what is fair. If she confuses you about what is fair, come back on here for confirmation that you are not expecting anything unreasonable.

And absolutely do not think that this conventional mum-dad-child arrangement in any way trumps your right as a mum! It is very sad to hear that even though you have been happily living in a same-sex relationship for years, you still feel under pressure from this more conventional image. It's been so fast that you must be completely steamrollered, so I'm not surprised you are overwhelmed. When my ex left it made me question everything, too. But give it a while and you'll see that you have just the same role to play that you always have in your child's life. Your strength will return.

I switched my FB off for a year and suggest you do the same.

ravenmum Mon 14-Nov-16 08:46:04

Oh, was a bit slow posting and didn't see yours. Go to the doctor and get a sick note!

rumred Mon 14-Nov-16 08:49:40

Sorry to hear things are so hard, sounds awful. If you can try to see her as any cheating spouse, a lowlife who has betrayed you and treated you appallingly. I know how hard it is not to feel inadequate like it's about sexuality when you're gay but it's not, she's just a common and garden bastard. And he's a homophobic tosser.
Are your friends supporting you?

MissMargie Mon 14-Nov-16 08:54:57

It's very early days in their relationship - I wouldn't like to guess how it will pan out if she is used to you doing the child care etc.

See a solicitor - that's the first thing. No good presuming you can come to an amicable arrangement.

CookieLady Mon 14-Nov-16 09:02:59


SandyY2K Mon 14-Nov-16 09:16:34

What makes her have the rights to the residency of the children?
Through the IF, is she the birth mother of one or both children?

I think you need legal advice about the situation and the CAB might be your first point of contact.

She's exceedingly selfish, immature and not acting in the childrens best interest.

The problem is people who have affairs tend to be very self entred and only think of their own needs, regardless of who gets hurt in the process.

Lostrunner Mon 14-Nov-16 09:25:33

I don't really have a lot of real life support to be honest. I feel like it's been 6 weeks now so people don't want to hear me talking about the same thing.

I think I am focusing on the gay thing more, I suppose it's because it makes our relationship look like a lie. She is saying she is straight now. It makes me question it all now.

She is birth mother to both. She wants residency of them because she only works a few hours a week and can't afford to live without the tax credits. I have them from Thursday to Monday so she is able to go out whenever. I happy to have them that long but it shows her lack of interest that she only has them when they are mostly at school.

mumonashoestring Mon 14-Nov-16 09:35:20

6 whole weeks hmm You're effectively grieving for the loss of a 12 year relationship - talk about it for as long as you need to. And there's always the Samaritans if you just need an outlet.

Your ex is probably going all out to reassure her 'precious' new partner rather than actually having been straight all along.

ravenmum Mon 14-Nov-16 09:40:02

"Straight now", riiight.

My ex went through our past making our relationship look like a lie, too - it really is part of the Script.
Your partner unfortunately has one more club to hit you with that really hurts.

Sounds like you need some legal advice on residency etc. - maybe there is some sort of same-sex parenting advice group???? You can't be the first in this situation.

SandyY2K Mon 14-Nov-16 09:41:42

Well I think you need to look at the days, because it means you have zero social life, while she enjoys her child free time.

She's taking advantage of you to be honest and unless there are legal papers, as the birth mother she could very well squeeze you out of their lives.

If a straight woman had children (through a sperm donor) while with a man, but he wasn't the biological father and he hadn't adopted them, I'm not sure what legal rights he'd have to see them. I don't know that your situation is really any different to that.

If you wouldn't have any legal rights to see them, then she's really just using you for free childcare and could cut you off seeing them.

Please seek legal advice to know the facts.
You could otherwise find yourself as a childcare during unsocial hours and unable to dedicate time for a new relationship.

Don't let her get the satisfaction of you being low, lonely and miserable.

Zaphodsotherhead Mon 14-Nov-16 09:45:15

He said he 'turned her because he's so great in bed????'

I don't see how ANYONE would want to be with a man with that attitude anyway!

Can't offer any advice, OP, other than to agree with other posters, find a support group and hang in there. They are YOUR kids as much as they are hers, simply setting them up in a 2.4 environment won't make them a 'family'. Particularly if he has such an ugly attitude to her sexuality.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Mon 14-Nov-16 09:54:57

Well they sound like a pair of charmers. Discussing intimate details on Facebook. hmm

OP you've had some great advice on here. Don't minimise your relationship with the children as their mother. Please seek legal advice as soon as you can. Otherwise you'll have all these doubts hanging over you and affecting your confidence and abilities, the perfect opportunity for them to twist the knife.


Lostrunner Mon 14-Nov-16 10:26:25

Thank you so much everyone. I have parental responsibility as I am on the birth certificate so if she did try and stop me seeing them I could take it to court. I think I do need to see a solicitor just to get the contact in writing.
I am definitely just free childcare to her now as far as she sees it.
He does sound awful but not that people see it. Even my mother who knows him distantly said he is a good guy. A good guy wouldnt do this. Not that I just blame him.

Only just noticed all the many typos, even in the title. Sorry about that!

ravenmum Mon 14-Nov-16 10:36:24

My father still thinks my ex is a good guy, mainly as my dad is quite absent-minded and probably can't remember the nasty things I said my ex did - and doesn't know about the others. Still galling when your parent does not just stay firmly on your side though. You may need to get in contact with your inner bitch and make it clear that these unysmpathetic people are out of order.

Glad to hear that you are on the birth certificate!

SandyY2K Mon 14-Nov-16 23:02:37

Great. As you have parental rights, start standing up to her a bit and don't have all your weekends taken up with the kids.

comoneileen Mon 14-Nov-16 23:23:32

Block her from social media to give yourself headspace and not be exposed to the posts that bring you down. get a solicitor to arrange for a court order regarding childcare arrangements or go to mediation so you both know where you stand. You have equal rights and you have played a part in these children's life, why should you be less important?
They need you too. If you end up with more childcare you can claim tax credits and child benefits too. Good luck flowers

holrosea Thu 17-Nov-16 11:08:19


I am more of lurker on MN and have only just RTFT. How are you doing? Have you been able to follow up with seeing a solicitor or get any advice on the contact with your DCs?

As for your comment about "it's been six weeks" and people not wanting to hear you going on about the same thing, PP have it absolutely right that you are grieving the loss of a 12 year relationship. On top of that, you are also grieving the loss of your family unit and the future you imagined, while facing despicable treatment and homophobic attitudes.

There has been a lot on MN recently about exes trying to rewrite history and paint themselves in a better light, and you need to remember that you are a mum, you were her partner for 12 years, you were genuine in all of your feelings and you are loved very much by your DCs. All of that is real and I hope it gives you some strength.

These are for you flowers brew cake

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