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Can't cope, he doesn't budget and I can't bail us out!(25 Posts)
So I have two children, 6yrs and 16mo. I am working two days a week and earn about 700 a month. My partner is the bread maker but he doesn't seem to want to have a grip on money. Every month for the past two years we have hit week and a half before pay day and he proclaims he has about 50 quid left. I spend nothing on myself, I sell on ebay, on top of income, I save every pound I can and every month I have to bail us out. Have managed to save 150 for my Children's christmas and am close to tears that this has to be spent on shopping as yet again today he told me he did not have enough money for our food for the next two weeks. My 6yr old has shabby clothes and I feel really sorry for her. I am at the end of my tether. If he budgeted I worked out that we have enough to be ok. He always blames me. ' I bought you a bottle of wine on Friday, I pay all the bills'i get that but I can't predict what he can't afford if he does not keep an eye on it. I have overall worked out that he has 500 pounds excess to spend on what he wants so don't know why I am bailing us out every month when I earn next to nothing after I have forked out a 500 pound childcare fee! I Am on 200 a month after that out going. I buy all the kids clothes, second hand but I can't cope any more, what do I do at christmas and how do I make him See that budgeting is a normal part of life. He is so defensive. I just keep quiet. Dont know what to do but sorry about vent. Thank you x
Is he paying for any childcare? If he won't sit down with you and work out a better way of budgeting
eg. You're in charge from now on This is going to look an awful lot like financial abuse.
Tell him that you will both sit down and go through all your bank statements to make savings and see how he reacts.
If he has nothing to hide he will agree
You say 'I have two children' and talk of 'my children' ... are they not his? This relationship won't work if you don't sit down and pool all your money together and work out a budget TOGETHER. If he won't do it - walk away.
God my exH was like this. It was awful. He earned a decent wage but refused to budget, was constantly looking on eBay (to buy crap he never used) and felt some sort of bizarre sense of entitlement that made him cross when we ran out of money each month. It was utterly, utterly awful. Basically he just wasn't a grown up.
This will undermine your marriage. It's basically a dealbreaker.
Do you know what he is spending on?
I think you need to sit down and go through all your expenditure for the last couple of months (at least) and work out where all the money is going.
Get his wages paid into your account and you budget as it sounds as if you have a better idea of your expenditure than he does. DO not spend your Christmas money . He has to realise that you have to work it out together. If he keeps doing it as you keep bailing him out he will keep on doing it. YOu have to stop ...for your sake and the children
My DH was awful at budgeting when we met - he also had poor credit so opening a joint account wasn't a great idea, but what we did do was open a third current account and work out what was needed for all direct debits, plus an amount for groceries (averaged out from what we usually spent per week). As soon as payday hits you put your 'share' into this housekeeping account and then you know that everything left in your current account is yours to spend. Would your DH agree to doing that?
As for being too defensive to discuss it, sorry but that just isn't good enough when it's his kids he's affecting. After all, if you divorced he'd have to declare everything properly
I think you would be better off apart from this man. He is neither of use nor ornament to you and you are being dragged down by him.
I would also be wanting to know where his money goes; is it being gambled away or squirrelled away into another account?.
He should be paying half the childcare, for a start, as it enables him to work as well as you. Get him to give you half the childcare ml et on payday.
The best thing would be a joint bills and household account; each pay in an amount (maybe an amount that leaves each of you with the same amount of spending money) and use that for bills and food and nothing else.
What is he spending it all on?
He needs to give you more money at the start of each month so you can manage it and not be left without food.
What would happen if you said 'well, we're going to have to make 50quid last till payday somehow, no going anywhere and beans on toast every night'? Do not hand money over to him - do the shopping yourself.
All the money needs to go into a living/bills account.
The you both get an equal amount of free spends. ( keep in your own account)
He has proven that he can't cope and the money needs to be taken from him before he fritters it away.
I had all my bills set up to go out a day after payday to guarantee that I had the money to pay them.
"I have overall worked out that he has 500 pounds excess to spend on what he wants so don't know why I am bailing us out every month when I earn next to nothing after I have forked out a 500 pound childcare fee! "
You are bailing 'us' out every month because you are letting him put you in this position and as he knows you will bail him every month he is going to carry on letting you.
You need a budget - a budget that covers everything, not just the known bills but the unknown bills, haircuts, car costs, clothes and as another poster has said put everything into a third bank account at the start of the month and what's left is split between you to spend.
Just wanted to add my sympathies - going through similar! As someone else said, it's the bizarre sense of entitlement that these men feel: 'why SHOULDN'T I buy that car part for £40, or a case of wine?' A failure to put the children first.
Had similar myself so I can hear you
Our way at the moment is that when I'm paid mid month I pay roughly half the bills that are due then and when dh gets paid he pays bills that are due at that time.
All of our car insurances tax personal things are on direct debit out of our own accounts and we are responsible for our own petrol out of personals. As dh petrol bill is higher than mine I do pay a bit more in bills and I put petrol in his car every now and then as we use his for weekends as well and if he has nothing left I get very frustrated but we have spoken about it and he understands now that life does cost!!!
He did have that self entitlement where by he would be annoyed when he ran out of cash and I just remind him what he spends on random crap tobacco and cider and that he should do what I do with our personal spends and sit down and work it all out so he knows what he's spending and when so he can adjust it or keep complaining about it and getting nowhere.
I do find it frustrating but I wouldn't sit down and get him to show you his personal spends as that will make him defensive before you've started.
I just wrote all the main household bills down and divided them up taking into account his petrol cost and said that's what you pay and that's what I pay.
Factor the childcare costs In to your normal bills as it's a normal bill.
Show him what the household amount is a month and set up an account so you can both transfer half each into it on payday.
Anything left over is yours,same as him and off you go.
Stop bailing him out. He's a grown man.
I stopped bailing my dh out and tell him I've got no cash left either sometimes. Eventually he figured out that I shouldn't have to use my cash to bail him out every month.
Why on earth are you paying for all the childcare and clothes?? He is putting his children in a dangerous position, because he is not making sure he has money to feed them. That one thing would destroy any feeling for me. What a man. Jesus.
Op you need to make sure that he suffers and goes without if he blows the money that he earns
Make it clear that his behaviour is putting your partnership iin jeopardy, a partnership needs to be mutually beneficial, if you would be better off without him then it is dysfunctional
At the very, very least, you both need to pay £250 towards childcare.
If it's fixable from there, then fine. But honestly this is probably ltb territory.
Are these his children? Because it does not sound like you are in this as a team, it sounds like individual money and he is limiting what he contributes. The "I bought you a bottle of wine" isn't quite normal and is a bit of a red flag to how he views the finances.
God, my ex was like this. In fact he used to have a mountain of unopened bank statements under our bed. I really don't think he got the concept of the 'paying it back' bit of credit cards. He gambled and ran up debts.
This despite him having a maths-based degree from a Russel group university!
It all comes down to your fella not taking personal responsibility - and then blaming you for the consequences, which is outrageous!
I think people can change, so it might be worth having a very direct conversation with him - this is not acceptable, and unless you relish a life time of financial insecurity, may well be a deal-breaker.
I left my particular waste of space in the end. I'm sure you won't be shocked to hear he doesn't pay any child support (cash in hand jobs only, so I can't get the CMS involved) and still blames me for the costs associated with our daughter because I got her into good schools - apparently I'm too aspirational. Unbelievable!
Do you get CB and tax credits? Do these go into your account? Have you actually worked out your budget and who pays what and make sure that you have the same amount left in the end? In such circumstances, if it usually easier to have all money coming in going into one account out of which all bills are paid, including food, and an agreed amount is then transfer to each others account to spend as you see fit. If indeed he is so bad with money, I would suggest that even birthdays, Christmas, clothes come out of the joint budget, this way.
If it's been exactly like this for 2+ years than he thinks you have accepted it.
Important question: are you married?
Goddessoftheduvet wow, what a prize he isn't. You must have been delighted the minute you binned him. Blimey..
So very many Manchildren in the world. You are so not alone, OP.
Handy, yes I can only feel sad for the younger me that thought that was the man I deserved. Thank god we grow and change and gain wisdom and experience!
DH No. 2 is lovely though, so it worked out ok! I learnt a lot about myself through the whole bruising experience.
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